1. Anthony (第1季)【完整台词】

Everyone.

I've got friends that'll never ever work again because some disgruntled one-night stand just pointed the finger at them.

And it goes both ways.

I've had to deal with my fare share of clumsy passes from drunken women.

They follow me down to the toilet and grab my arse, but you don't see me calling Rupert Murdoch, do you? You done? Just saying, if I were a woman, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

What's the difference? I would say the main difference is that you haven't been told since you were 11 that every male you encounter has the potential to rape and murder you.

Followed by a life of pre-sexualization, cat-calling and slut-shaming that fills you with so much guilt and fear that when you're 16 and some kid starts choking you during sex, either with his hands or with his penis, 'cause he saw it in a bunch of porn.

You assume it must be you who got it wrong.

So, every time there's an inappropriate comment or a hand on your thigh, you swallow it.

Until one day the world says, "Hey, actually, maybe all that crap isn't your fault," and the relief is so great that shit just pours out of you like a tsunami.

And, yes, like most tsunamis innocent people drown.

But, I am sorry that you've had to deal with women you didn't deem attractive enough, grabbing your ass.

I appreciate the life has its challenges.

(LAUGHS) - What? - You don't give a fuck, do you? (SCOFFS) Should I? I do love her you know, my wife.

And I love my kids, obsessively.

That thing I said to you about not having sex for a year-and-a-half, that was a lie.

We have sex all the time and it's It's great.

It's just sometimes, I I like to fuck people that I don't love, too.

That feels like the first honest thing you've said to me.

I'm gonna make some calls, round up some photographers.

Stay here for a bit.

Get your head straight.

Why haven't you tried to have sex with me? Excuse me? If it's such an addiction, why haven't you tried to have sex with me? Um, would - Would you like me to? - No.

- I can do if you want.

- I don't want, thank you.

I'll be in touch.

You're complicated.

You got all this stuff going on behind the eyes.

I wouldn't even know where to start.

Of course, I'd like to have sex with you.

But you are not simple.

You only try to sleep with simple women? - You want me to be completely honest? - Why not? - I'm intimidated by you.

- And why is that? Because I know you are more fucked-up that I am.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) When you do it, does it make you feel better or worse? Both.

(BOTH GRUNTING) (PHONE VIBRATING) "Conor The Cockerel was a game bird "but sometimes the other chickens would laugh at him "because he was too flamboyant - and his crow was too loud" - Eve Eve, um, Robyn wanted me to pick Look at this.

I mean, that's the stuff of nightmares, right? - I need to book an appointment for - Look at that.

They're like prison drawings.

- I just need to know if I should call - (CELL PHONE RINGS) Conor, darling! Yes, I did, I did, and I am looking at them right now.

They're beautiful, sweetheart.

Such a lovely simplicity about them.

I think it's right not to use color.

So strong in black and white, like you.

(LAUGHING) (LINE RINGING) Hello, is that Mrs.

Henderson? Yes, uh, this is Melody.

I am calling from your husband's PR company.

I'm just looking to book-in your mammogram for this afternoon.

And I was just wondering what kind of times would be good.

Your mammogram? Oh Right then.

So, what happens now? I go and get on with my day, you go and speak to your wife.

Where are my goddamn underwear? Treat yourself to a new pair.

- They are not mine.

- You okay? - Great! - What are you angry about? How long you got? Hey, just so we're clear.

Who actually fucked who there? I'd say, that I fucked myself and you fucked your wife.

I'll be in touch.

Nice working with you, Anthony.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) EVE: Melody, phone.

Right.

Tinder update.

- (ELEVATOR DINGS) - Jesus.

Okay, Christ.

Right.

I can see I'm gonna have to go through this whole thing again from the beginning.

I mean, what's the deal with this guy? - I mean, he's wearing a hat.

- Oh That should set off alarm bells for starters.

He's got a song lyric for his bio.

For Christ's sake.

- I thought it was a poem.

- It's November Rain.

Thank God it's not a poem.

Then I'd be really pissed off.

Amateur hour, must do better.

Oh, Robyn, I think I might've done something bad.

You fucked him, didn't you? Look, before you say anything I'm just saying.

I know I can't judge, but I thought you were better than me.

I am better than you.

Did you have sex with Anthony Henderson? So my guy at The Mirror called me.

Seems Patrick Andrews' little Spanish friend from last night's been in touch.

Cheeky father-fucker, I paid him.

Mmm, gets better.

He's 15.

It's okay.

He's sitting on it for now.

Says their cup overfloweth with Pedro stories, but wants something good to make it go away.

Mmm.

Tell him he can have the exclusivity on Patrick and Bianca's wedding.

Patrick Andrews is getting married? He is now.

They can announce it tonight.

- God, that poor girl.

- Poor girl, what? Living in a mansion and getting an allowance to buy drugs and dresses? Mmm-hmm.

That's the dream.

- Do you think she knows that he's - Do you think she cares? Give her her dues.

She'll have trolled Essex nightclubs for months sucking off a lot of frogs to get into his bed.

And now she's found her princess.

Aw, I love a footballer's wedding.

We should all go.

Shits, giggles.

Drink free champagne, laugh at the chavvy wedding dresses, watch Melody get gang-raped by bunch of drunken sexually repressed footballers.

- (CHUCKLES) - I don't think that's very funny.

It wasn't a joke.

Melody, get a ring sent round to Patrick's, a big one, and send him the bill.