6. Patrick (第1季)【完整台词】

And then once all the press clears out and we've done a sweep to make sure there's no cameras or recording devices, you can go back to being the Prince of Darkness.

Got it? (CHIRPING) (EXCLAIMS) ROBYN: You've got the speech we wrote for you? - Mmm-hmm.

- And the rings are all in place? It's a big photo moment, Patrick, so don't fuck it up.

Yes, all good.

Listen, I need you to meet someone.

Gary? Yo.

ON TV: Indecent images were allegedly found on the hard drive Gary, this is Robyn, who I told you about.

She can fix anything, bro, I swear.

I said you'd be able to help him out.

(LAUGHS DRYLY) I'll do what I can.

Okay, look, you'll keep this to yourself, yeah? 'Course.

So, I've been suffering with my crew shit on and off for ages, right? I spoke to my specialist last week and he says it gets real bad, like.

Says I've maybe got like six months left in my playing career but after that I'm shot.

I'm not really sure how I can help you with that.

Look, I'm 27, I ain't planned for this.

I thought I had another 4 years.

I need money.

I'm broke.

You're a footballer.

How much do you earn a week? Only about 36 grand but it's all gone now.

You know, living costs.

But I made some bad investments.

I bought all these fucking resources and I owe the tax man a lot of money.

I mean a lot.

Taxes are hard to understand, man.

It's fucking crazy.

Gary, what is it exactly that you want me to do? Look, I've seen how much Patrick's getting for this wedding, right? I don't mind, like, wearing whatever, or doing whatever or who I go out with Look, Gary, it's not that easy.

It takes a lot of time and investment I'll do whatever you tell me.

Please.

Well, we could get you a pop star girlfriend, send you to a few parties, but there's almost nothing that's gonna make you famous overnight.

PATRICK: This is a little bit loose, there.

WAITER: Yeah, oh, yeah.

PATRICK: It's complete now.

It's really nice.

- No fucking way.

- ROBYN: You said you'd do anything.

GARY: Yeah, I know but you can't expect me to do that.

- EVE: Why not? - GARY: 'Cause I got a reputation.

Maybe your reputation can pay off the tax man.

Ah, come on! There must be another way! In the time frame you're proposing, no.

That's why she's a genius.

ROBYN: Someone's gonna do it.

This is your chance to get in first.

Listen to me.

If managed correctly, the first openly gay Premiership Football player is gonna make millions.

Fact.

Think about the coverage, think about the exposure.

Look at Tom Daley and he falls in a pool for a living.

It's monumental.

You're gonna be a role model, a game-changer.

We're talking endorsements, ambassador roles, New Year's honors, chat shows.

You're gonna be inspiring millions with your bravery and strength, to stand up in the face of adversity, be true to yourself.

To stick it to the haters.

You'll make a difference.

But I'm not gay! So? The Premiership's riddled with gay footballers pretending to be straight.

What's the difference? No, but what about all the shit I'll get from the stands? Sticks and stones, babe.

Suck it up.

So you have to listen to 40,000 neander-wankers screaming that you take it up the arse for six months.

It'll be character-building.

You'll be the one laughing when they give you the captaincy on A Question of Sport.

Look, we've got a truckload of press showing up in four hours Opportunities like this don't come along every day.

- Are you in or not? - What do you think? I don't know, you know.

I mean Obviously, I'm straight, so it's hard for me to, like All I'm saying is that they know their shit.

No, but, like But would I have to do any, like, gay stuff? You do a few sweaty shoots for Attitude and then tell the world's press that you want to keep your private life private.

And just sit back and start counting your pink pounds.

What's it gonna be? (BIRDS CHIRPING) (SIGHS) I better call me dad.

MELODY: Yes, I'm pretty sure there's a vegan option, but I could check.

Gluten! Oh, okay, yep.

Look, um, I promise you I will find you something to eat even if I have to go into the forest and forage it myself.

Please.

Okay, yes, yes.

Get back to me.

Okay, I'm nearly there.

Um, I'm lacking in quality, so I've had to plump for quantity.

So far, not including footballers, I have got four soap stars, three sports presenters, five reality TVs, two celebrity chefs, a boxer, two paralympians, one egghead, two sexy bastards, Dani Dyer, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Great.

We need a beard.

MELODY: A what? Sorry, not a beard.

A reverse beard.

What's the opposite of a beard? - A shave? - MELODY: What are we talking about? Melody, this is Gary.

We need a gay man to pretend to be his boyfriend so that Gary can pretend to be gay.

Now you've lost me.

Ooh, what about him from Coronation Street? He's gay.

He's actually straight.

He just plays gay.

I think it's going to be too confusing.

Can it not be someone too gay? You know, uh, what about that, that rugby dude? Okay, so you need a gay man to be the boyfriend of a straight man so that he can convince the world that he's not straight? Exactly.

We need the male equivalent of Taylor Swift.

ROBYN: But not too famous to overshadow Gary.

But famous enough that they're willing to spend six months of their lives pretending to go out with a straight footballer just to get their picture in the papers.

Oh, no, I think I have the guy: Jay Burns.

He starred on this reality show called Holiday Reprobates, and then he had a brief appearance on, like, Britain's Got Talent, X Factor, Hollywood Front Dating and a fleeting appearance on This Morning where he had this live colonoscopy on air with Dr.

Chris.

He's calm as Christmas, and he would literally beat his own mother to death with a claw hammer if he thought it would get him on the telly.

- He sounds perfect.

- Really? Okay.

Get him on the phone.

Get him here ASAP.

Eve, you start working on the press release, and get Gary a Grindr account.

You.