1
I opened the cafe with my friend Boo.
Yeah, she's dead now.
- My sister.
- I have two degrees,
a husband and a Burberry coat.
- I know what you were doing.
- I was watching the news.
- Heard from Dad?
- Nope.
All right, Dad?
Dad's way of coping
with two motherless daughters
was to buy us tickets
to feminist lectures,
start fucking our godmother
and eventually stop calling.
It's very valuable, actually.
- How much?
- Thousands.
Can I have it?
No.
Please don't contact me
or turn up at my house drunk
in your underwear.
It won't work this time.
It will.
MUSIC: Sail by AWOLNATION
I think my period's coming.
OK.
Hi.
Are you all right? What's happened?
Are you hurt?
- No.
- Oh, good.
Nice haircut.
It's better.
Can I come in?
Why didn't you text?
Well, I just thought I'd pop by.
- Tell the truth.
- I need to speak to Martin.
- Martin?
- Martin.
Martin! - Why on earth
would you want to speak to
- Martin? - Hello! Hello!
My wife in my study! Hello!
Give me two.
Gang bangs, Asian,
I'd put a tenner on it.
Finished.
Well, hello, you.
[HE CHUCKLES]
She wants to talk to you
about something.
Oh, well, it must be my lucky day.
You said she only likes
to talk to people she fancies.
Ergh.
- Can you leave us?
- Why?
He's organising
your surprise birthday party.
A
You know I hate sur
OK.
I have a week to organise that now.
Best of luck.
Nice top.
Ergh.
Thanks.
Do you deal in sculptures
as well as paintings and papier mache?
Depends on the quality of the piece.
Fuck me!
Hm
- What a pair!
- I know, right?
Where d'you get this?
Oh, just a
Stole it from a market.
It's quite a piece.
Who's the artist?
Just a
market artist.
Huh.
If I sell it, I take 10%.
Deal?
Deal.
OK, well,
I'll get her photographed now.
Don't tell Claire, please.
Or what?
Or I'll
I'll
You've got nothing on me, princess.
Or I'll tell her you were
watching gang bangs.
Please don't do that again.
I wasn't, by the way.
Ergh.
Disappointing.
Erm
Where did you get that?
I brought it with me.
No, you didn't.
Give it back.
Tight.
Patch things up with Harry?
Yeah, we're, erm
We're engaged, so
God! What?
No, we're not engaged!
No, he's back at the flat
packing up all his stuff again.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
He really
used to make you laugh.
He also used to say things like
You're not like other girls.
You can
keep up.
I like Harry.
I liked his songs.
I admire how much Harry
commits to our break-ups.
I mean, this is a new detail,
but he does usually go
the extra mile.
A few times, he's even cleaned
the whole flat.
[HE SOBS]
Like it's a crime scene.
I've considered timing a break-up
for when the flat needs
a bit of a going over.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
I don't think this is working.
What?
But he always leaves
him
to come back for.
Got to think about all the people
I can have sex with now.
I'm not obsessed with sex,
I just can't stop thinking about it.
The performance of it.
The awkwardness of it.
The drama of it.
The moment you realise someone wants
your body.
Not so much the feeling of it.
Probably got about 48 hours
before Harry comes back.
I should get on it.
I took half an hour
trying to look nice
and I ended up looking amazing.
Just one of those days.
Gorgeous, fresh-faced,
new top, little bit sexy,
on my way to open my cafe and
Oh, God.
Yeah, you check me out, chub-chub,
because it's never gonna happen.
Oh, God, he can't believe
how attractive I am.
Kind of worried I'm going to make
a sex offender out of the poor guy.
Here we go.
This better be good.
Here we go.
HE COUGHS: Hooker slag.
[BELL RINGS]
Oi!
Oh.
Dropped my cucumber.
Just dropped my
Erm Could I get
a cheese sandwich to go, please?
Sure.
That'll be, er, £12.
55, please.
London, eh?
Thanks.
Where do I recognise her?
Is she famous?
Boo's death hit the papers.
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