1
What a pair, where did you get this?
Can I have it?
No.
Did you take the sculpture?
No.
If I sell it I take 10%, deal?
How behind are you?
If it's money that you need
I don't need money.
That'll be £25, please.
I thought we should try and
surprise each other once every day.
He's organising you
a surprise birthday party.
You know I hate
Surprise!
It's me, it's me.
[THEY SCREAM]
I suppose you should meet Hillary.
You will never see me again.
I've got to think about all the people
I can have sex with now.
I should get on it.
Jogging.
I did a fart the other day
that was exactly like Mum's.
A door opening, or suspicious dark?
Door opening.
Means you're getting Mum's bum.
God, I'd be lucky.
My bottom dropped ages ago.
My farts used to be like, "Pah!"
Now they're just sort of
fighting their way out.
I haven't farted
in about three years.
Happy birthday.
- She won't eat it.
- Thanks.
So, it's a 7 pm arrival tonight
for a 7.
30 surprise, OK?
Yeah, I got your e-mail.
It's really a business
birthday thing.
It won't be much fun,
so just don't expect a "party" party.
I won't.
And maybe
just wear trousers.
And don't drink too much.
There's this huge promotion
in Finland,
so this party is quite a serious
I mean, it's basically
a business meeting.
Sounds like a blast.
Can I bring a date?
- Harry?
- No.
Who?
Oh, I don't know yet.
It's really inappropriate
to jog around a graveyard.
Why?
Flaunting your life.
God, I can't wait to be old.
If it's any consolation,
you look older than you are.
[PHONE RINGS]
Sorry, sorry.
- Hello, Claire speaking.
- Mum died three years ago.
She had a double mastectomy
but never really recovered.
It was particularly hard,
cos she had amazing boobs.
She used to tell me I was lucky
cos mine would never get in the way.
My sister's got whoppers,
but she got all of Mum's good bits.
What's Martin given you?
A cursory stroke would be nice.
What? No bang-bang?
He says he's still got
that thing on his
What?
On his
Come on, you can do it.
- I don't have to say
- Yes, you do.
- No, not here.
- Come on, little one.
Come on, please.
- No.
- Penis.
- Thank you.
He says he still has that thing
on his penis.
Sorry.
Christ, look at that man.
Tragic.
Nah, he's a con.
You can't call someone
who is grieving a con.
- That is shit grieving.
- Look at him, he's properly grieving.
No-one grieves like that unless
they are in a film or from Italy.
Who are you to pass judgment
on his grief?
Trust me, he's at a different grave
every day, he can't get enough of it.
[MAN SOBS]
What?
You come here every day?
Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing,
and don't sing Happy Birthday,
I couldn't bear it.
I'm, erm
I'm actually looking forward to it.
Hi, Harry, it's me.
Listen, I know we're broken up,
but it's Claire's birthday tonight
and I thought that
I thought that maybe
you'd like to come to her
birthday party.
Anyway, give me a call,
and I hope you're OK.
Bye.
I can't go out with a dog.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
My boyfriend before Harry
used to make me send him pictures of
my vagina wherever I was,
ten or 11 times a day.
One day when I was temping
he asked me to
Time to throw the net out.
I am in so much trouble.
Jesus Christ.
What am I going to get Claire?
I am meant to get her
the perfect present.
- I am not drunk.
- Always drunk.
I am not drunk!
Which is odd,
cos Claire's so straight.
Smack me in the face.
- Really hard.
- Really?
Yeah.
Oh, good.
Fuck.
I think you gave me a semi.
Can I eat a water or a sandwich,
or something?
I mean, the man's got a problem.
Speak to me.
Speak to me.
But no-one wants to admit there's
a problem because then they don't get
to have crazy nights out
with Fun Drunk Martin.
Chicken, are you chicken? No.
He's one of those men who is
explosively sexually inappropriate
with everyone, but makes you
feel bad if you take offence
because he was "just being fun".
Honestly, you could tell him
you're going to pop to the loo
and he'll say
Yes, you pop to the loo,
pull down your knickers,
and then I will come in
and fuck you.
I mean, this place is ridiculous.
Does anyone ever come here?
I mean, it is creepy as fuck.
Why don't you get her a guinea pig?
It was a surprise hit here.
What, you think she'd like a pig?
Can I take this one?
No, not that one.
Christ, woman, there's something
wrong with that one,
it's got death in its eyes.
Yeah, the vet says she's depressed.
Oh.
Aren't we all, girl?
You know, guinea pigs
can die of loneliness.
Can they?
- Hold her.
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