Here you go, Doc Your usual.
How lovely it is to have a usual.
- What is this? - Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.
That's my brother's usual.
I'm the double Kona with cream.
Oh, Frasier - am I glad to see you.
- Your usual, Doc? - Please.
Thank you.
Niles, you seem more than usually agitated today.
A problem? I'm meeting my publisher here.
Remember my book deal you envied? I wasn't jealous, Niles.
Well, the deal's about to be killed.
My idea had already been done.
I need to find an alternative today and I've got bubkis - less than bubkis.
I've got what bubkis keeps for lint in the bottom of his pocket.
- Can you ask for an extension? - No, I've had two already.
Oh, God, there he is.
Sam, so good to see you.
- Niles.
- Sam Tanaka, Dr Frasier Crane.
Nice to meet you.
- Coffee? - I'll have what he's having.
So you shall.
One more, please.
- Wait, you're the doctor from the radio.
- Guilty as charged.
- I listen to your show all the time.
- Oh, thank you.
I never realized you two were brothers.
All our lives! You must have incredible insight into sibling relationships.
No more than your average psychiatrist brothers.
(Laughs) So, Niles, what's your idea? (Sobs and clears throat) My idea - well, Sam, I've given it a lot of thought - There may be a book in that.
- In what? Two psychiatrist brothers writing about sibling relationships.
That, Sam, is exactly the idea we were going to pitch to you! - What?! - Terrific! I hate to interrupt Gentlemen, I'm going to cancel my lunch date so I can take you two out to celebrate.
Oh, well, we were going to write today, but OK.
What are you doing? I don't wanna write a book.
I'm outta here.
Frasier, I know it's asking a big favour, All my life I have dreamed of one thing - the day I could go into a library and see my name under "mental illness".
The day I could finally feel what you feel - that I'm somebody, not just one more dusty little psychiatrist.
Oh, Niles We haven't collaborated since the spring musicale in prep school.
Yes, well, it was well received.
It did get us out of gym class.
- It could be like that again.
- I don't know, Niles.
# Um-ta, um-ta, um-ta, da-da-da-da # Oh, some boys go to college But we think they're all wussies # Cos they get all the knowledge And we get all the Um-ta, um-ta # - All right, I'll do it! - Yes! (Doorbell) - Dumas frére! - Dumas frére! - Hello, what are you doing over here? - It's our first writing session.
- I thought that was at Niles's house.
- Unfortunately, it's Maris's turn to host her sherry-tasting group and things get a little raucous.
- But the Sonics are on in 20 minutes.
- I bought you these headphones.
You'll be able to listen to the TV without disturbing Niles and me.
How's Eddie gonna hear? He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper.
Try them out there.
(Shouts) Hey, not bad! - Very clever solution.
- It also has another little feature.
Watch this.
Hey, Dad Nice shirt (!) Did they throw that in the last time you had your tyres rotated (?) Tell us about when you met Eisenhower.
We haven't heard that story this hour (!) OK.
My turn.
Hey, Dad Say another word and I'll club you both with my cane.
This is great, thanks a lot.
Watch out for this for me, Eddie.
I got to get a snack.
Who wants a beer? Just you.
This is no time to procrastinate.
OK, here we go.
Chapter one, page one, paragraph one.
(Key clicks) I'm indenting! I hate to squash your enthusiasm, but shouldn't we discuss what the book is going to be about? Forgive me for just barrelling ahead, but damn it, I'm jazzed! We have to approach this book from a completely different angle than all of our previous writing - our dissertations, our theses.
Right.
This has to be interesting.
The obvious approach is case histories.
Anecdotes about siblings we've dealt with in our practice.
If we throw in a few heaving bosoms we'll make Book of the Month Club.
I could tell you a couple of stories about you guys.
That's an interesting idea.
We'll use ourselves in the introduction.
I like the introduction idea.
Give us your best story - the one with little Niles and little Frasier at their conflicted best.
When we went trout fishing, you guys were at it tooth and nail.
- This is good.
- What's the lake called? The name is immaterial.
It's an Indian word, Lake Watchahatchee? - You're missing the point.
- Your mother knew but she's dead.
Watchakootchie? Coochawatchie? It was an Indian word.
- It meant "land of a thousand" - Dad This is driving me nuts.
I have to look it up.
- We just want the story.
- Where the hell did I put my atlas? - Quite a resource, isn't he (?) - We'll just put the introduction on hold.
Back to case histories.
I suppose I could get my files out of storage after the Niles, is there a light bulb over my head? - You have an idea? - No, is there actually a light bulb (?) Of course I have an idea! What better source than my show? I'll ask listeners to call in with stories of sibling conflict and you can be my guest.
You're suggesting we exploit your listeners for our own gain? In essence, yes.
- What do you think? - It's borderline sleazy.
Go for it.
Hello, Roz.
- What's your brother doing here? - He's going to be my guest.
I don't think so.
I am the producer, and I approve the guests.
I do not approve him.
- OK, bye-bye, have a good show.
- OK, he's approved.
But I will not get him coffee and I'm not taking any of his crapola.
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