F R A S I E R (10x11) - Door Jam - Ow! All right, all right, I'll talk! Just make the pain stop.
Oh, shut up.
I'm just trying to get the blood flowing.
- More like make me hemorrhage.
- Don't tempt me.
- Oh, God, you broke something! - Too bad it wasn't your bloody pie hole! There, we're done, you big baby.
What, already? Oh, that felt great! Oh! I feel like a new man.
I love your new table.
-Oh, you're sweet.
Can I make you a sandwich? -Oh, that'd be great.
Yeah.
Oh, by the way, Daph, you know, they're showing the first-ever episode of Rockford today.
If you're really serious about becoming an American citizen, maybe you should watch it.
-Well, now you've opened it.
That's mail theft.
-Nonsense.
-What's going on? Nothing.
Just another piece of Cam Winston's mail has found its way into our box.
It's been happening a lot since we switched mailboxes.
Even after I gave -the postman a stern lecture.
-Especially after.
Anyway, it was an honest mistake.
Cam and I are on all the same mailing lists, and I'm sure mine is in his box.
Besides, it's nothing personal, look, it's just an announcement for some place called La Porte d'Argent.
Probably just another froufrou restaurant or froufrou clothing store.
No, no, no, this is not "froufrou," Dad, as evidenced by the manly scent of balsam.
They obviously deal with a very upscale clientele.
Oh, La Porte d'Argent.
Someone at the racquet club was talking about this.
It's very, very exclusive.
-Yes? -That's all I know.
Some ill-mannered person started up his blow dryer before I could hear any more.
-Hello! -Oh, Daphne, Daphne! Did I get one of these in the mail today? -No, I don't think so.
-Poor Niles.
-What's this about? -Oh, they're all worked up about some smelly invitation that Frasier stole to some place they never heard of.
Yes, but that's what's so intriguing, Dad, that there exists an exclusive place in Seattle -that neither of us knows about.
-It could be an art gallery, or -a new haberdashery.
-Or an Italian shoelace boutique.
-What's happening? -It's a machine.
It's asking me to enter my six-digit access code.
What'll I do? Why don't you just punch in whatever keys spell out "SNOBBY"? You know, it might be worth a try.
Oh, denied! Oh! The allure of the Porte D'Argent has increased tenfold! All right, here's our plan.
We go to the university computer lab, bribe some hungry hacker, and, once we've tapped into their mainframe, La Porte D'Argent will give up her sweet secret like a blushing bride on her wedding night! Why don't you just go down there and ask them what they do? All right, Dad, that's a "Plan B".
Hello.
-Uh, is this La Porte d'Argent? -Yes, it is.
-Ah, good.
Say, someone was asking me earlier today about La Porte d'Argent, and I had a difficult time characterizing it.
-What would you tell him? -We try to discourage word of mouth.
That's exactly what I said.
-So, well, I'm here to take advantage of your offer.
-Sure.
Your name, please? -Frasier Crane.
-I'm not finding you.
-Try Doctor Frasier Crane.
Perhaps you've heard my popular radio show.
I'm not really a radio person.
I'm sorry Dr.
Crane, you're not on the list, I can't let you in.
-But I have an invitation.
-Yes, but you're not on the list.
-Yes, but I do have an invitation! -But you aren't on the LIST.
Yes, well, if I was on the list, I wouldn't need an invitation, would I? I'd just say "I'm on the list.
" Therefore, the invitation supercedes the list.
-No, invitations are given out only to those on the list.
-Ah-ha -But you do concede that I do have a valid invitation? -Yes.
-Then it naturally follows that I would be on the list.
-But you're not.
-Then how did I GET the invitation? -I don't know.
You could have stolen it Are you accusing me of deception?.
.
Cam! Cam Winston! There you are.
Hello, Frasier.
You know, while I was waiting for you, I decided to test the mettle of this young man.
I'm pleased to report that he follows the rules of La Porte d'Argent to the letter.
Anyway, I am a guest of Mr.
Cam Winston's here.
He told me to meet him here, gave me the invitation and here I am.
Yes, I'm Cam Winston and he's my guest and I asked him to meet me here.
-Here you are, Mr.
Winston.
Welcome to La Porte d'Argent.
-Ah, thank you.
I hope you both enjoy your stay.
Take a moment to look over our services and I'll be back in just a moment.
Niles, it's a day spa! Good gravy, this is fantastic! Would you stop talking like that? That's the worst impersonation of Cam Winston I've ever heard.
-You've heard another one? -Of course not.
Then it's the best! Now you're stuck talking like that all day.
Here are your keys, gentlemen.
Your estheticians will be with you shortly.
-Thank you Thank you.
Oh, I've been waiting for that all morning.
Oh, Niles, the arovetic massage sounds splendid: two therapists at once, using hot stones and a blend of essential oils personally created for your dosha.
-I think I'll have the aromatherapy Swedish.
-Oh, Niles Look at this bounty! Take a risk, be a man! -The chardonnay/rose hip salt glow? -Now that's more like it.
-Hello.
-Lovely.
-Right this way -Thank you.
-Frasier, Frasier! River rocks and a stalk of wheat! -Ooh.
.
I knew it was going to be good, but I had no idea it would be this good! -I feel like I've been rubbed by angels.
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