F R A S I E R (10x05) - Tales from the Crypt - Hey, Roz Hi, hi, hi.
Roz, you just missed the classic prank of all time.
- Ill admit it, this was my masterpiece.
- Oh, who, who? Whod you get?! - OK - Way to go, Bulldog! - There he is! I got this friend down at the impound lot, who came across a smashed-up BMW, - same make and model as Frasiers.
- You didnt! You got Frasier! I had his car towed from the garage, the wreck went in its place.
The doc totally freaked when he saw it.
First, he started swearing, and then he implored the heavens, and just when his lip started trembling, - Bulldog comes out, tells him its all a prank.
- Hey, Bulldog observes the mercy rule.
Besides, I got the whole thing on tape.
Admit it, Doc, I got you good.
Come on, say it: "Bulldogs the best!" OK, OK, how bout the bitch dance I taught you? Well, at least give me one up high! Come on oh, come on, dont leave me hanging, Doc! Wheres your Halloween spirit? Dont worry, itll be here waiting for you.
For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car.
Mine has a bumper sticker on it that says, I AM PRO OPERA AND I VOTE! - Frasier, youve got to admit, it was clever.
- I admit nothing.
- That is the last we shall discuss of it, we have a show to do.
- OK.
Good afternoon, Seattle, and welcome to the Halloween edition of the Dr.
Frasier Crane Show.
Today we will be discussing the topic of fears.
Are they irrational hindrances, or evolutionary tools? Hmmm the surprising answer, after these words.
My car! Ohhhh, no - my caaar! What did they do to you?! Oh, my bay-beee! Whenever youre ready.
.
- Did you find something? - Do you think theyll take soy sauce packets? - Who keeps ringing the doorbell? - Shh! Its trick or treaters.
- OK, theyre gone.
- Well, why didnt you let them in? Because someone forgot to get Halloween candy.
Although, someone else could have picked it up since she was already in the store.
But, that would override the duty list that someone insisted on implementing.
If this is what you two call a fight, youre not fit to be married.
- I once held your fathers head underwater, and - Shh! Oh, for heavens sake! We havent got any candy, shove off! - Great, now they know were here.
- That is precisely whats wrong with this country, everyones afraid to stand up to the children.
- Trick-or-treat! - Didnt you hear? Weve got no candy! We can offer you hotel soaps.
But its Halloween.
I dress up, you give me candy.
- That costume's supposed to be scary? - No, is yours? Oh, a nice bite into an onion is what that mouth of yours deserves.
If you dont have treats, youre going to get a trick.
Do your worst! Im not afraid of you.
Honestly! OK, well, maybe Ill go get some candy after all.
OK, Im going to need my slicker and my squash goggles! .
- Good morning, Roz.
May I join you? - Sure, Frasier.
Well, Im glad to see youre not sulking today.
Yes, well, I had a little time to think about it, and Ive decided to put Bulldogs prank - behind me - Thats very mature.
- Im not finished! by visiting upon him a prank that is ten times more dastardly.
Look at this.
- Looks like a car with a balloon tied to it.
- Precisely.
I will tie a red balloon to the antenna of Bulldogs car every time his precious Seahawks lose a game.
Over time, the conditioned response will become ingrained in his psyche.
Eventually, the mere sight of a red balloon will bring about in him an inexplicable sense of loss.
Check-and-mate! Isnt that kind of out there? Thats the point.
Well, of course, I could go with any one of your basic pranks: hand in warm water, and whatnot Believe me, I have an intimate knowledge of all of them.
But what Im looking for is something unmistakably ME.
A signature prank, if you will.
Why dont you just forget about revenge and give him his two minutes in the sun? - What, at my expense? - Look at his life! You guys used to be equals, now hes stuck downstairs in that dark, musty archives room.
You must have some sympathy for him, dont you? Dark, musty archives I think I could use that! - Hello, all.
- Hello, Niles.
Why do we have to stop here? I could make coffee at home.
Now, now, its good to get out of the house, get some fresh air, exercise those lungs.
My lungs are as strong as ever.
Just yesterday, I finished a whole cigarette in two drags.
One off me record! - Whats this? - Im devising the ultimate prank, to get my revenge on Bulldog.
Ah, well just beware the dangers of juvenile one-upsmanship.
Only last night, Mrs.
Moon challenged a trick-or-treater, and he responded by pelting our door with eggs.
Yeah, but I got the little monster back, by putting a big, greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob! - You said youd put an end to it! - Hence the Vaseline.
- Mum, hes a child! - Well, its time he learned you dont mess with Gertrude Moon, without incurring my wrath.
Now, excuse me, I require cocoa.
You know, I think she has the right attitude.
If I expect Bulldog to leave me alone, Ive got to show him that hes dealing with a superior intellect.
Show them the balloon car.
Im sure Da Vincis early notes were full of laughs too! Excuse me, I have devising to do! - Thatll be $32.
03.
- For one drink?! Your grandson ordered a bunch of cakes, and he said it was all on you.
Thanks for the treats, Grandma! Oh, lets see the little sod get to school without these.
Oh, this should settle it! .
Is anybody there? Oh, zombies the living dead.
Help, help! Everyone, hold please.
- Zombie Number Two, what are you doing? - Im scaring Bulldog? I see.
Is that what zombies do, they scare people? - Um - Wrong.
They eat brains, and THATS what scares people.
Now, look, this is our dress rehearsal, let's please try to get this right.
Bulldog comes in, he hears noises, zombies go after his brain, and his terror is caught on videotape for us all to enjoy at a later date.
Now, lets try this again.
First marks, please.
Oh, jeez, Fras, this is the fourth time through.
Can somebody else play Bulldog now? - Dad, you said you would help me with this.
- Well, thats because you said we were gonna do a practical joke.
- I thought it would be fun.
- Whatever gave you that idea? Todd, I am getting dead from you.
But I am not getting undead.
Still? Lets try this then.
After rehearsal, I want each of you to write a paragraph detailing who your character was when he or she was alive, how they died, and why theyre now after Bulldogs brain.
Honestly, Roz, you know, you haven't given me much to work With here.
These are the worst actors Ive ever seen.
Well, Im sorry, but the Royal Zombie Company just left town with its all-zombie production of Hamlet! - How many more times are we going to do this? - Why is it that whenever Bulldog pulls off a practical joke, you all applaud him, as if hed won some sort of bowl or cup or other sports dish? But when I ask you to give up a single Sunday, all I get is complaints? Well, because you keep turning it into work! This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.
- Like when? - Well, the last time we went to the beach! A lot of people bring rakes! Look, Frasier, its not too late to back out of this.
Face it, - jokes just arent your specialty.
- What is that supposed to mean? Well, what she means, son, is that we all have our different blessings.
And Bulldogs good at jokes and fun, and youre good at reading, and, uh telling people about the things you read.
- Are you saying that you think I cant pull this off? - Oh, I wouldnt put it that way.
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