Slow down! Hey Daphne, guess what Eddie ate in the park today? Ooh let's see.
A hot dog wrapper? No.
Guess again.
A cigarette butt? No.
Guess again.
Apple core? No.
Guess again.
Oh really, must you two play this ridiculous game? She makes some feeble stab and you say "No.
Guess again.
" Then she starts flailing away with even more ludicrous answers, all the while you chanting "Guess again", until she's gibbering like some auctioneer with a bad bladder.
Then you finally reveal the answer at which point nobody even cares.
I'm not sure which one of us got the worst of that, but I think it was you.
Guess again.
Niles.
There's a half-eaten lizard in your elevator! And that's the last hint you're getting.
Oh Frasier, I had a breakthrough today with one of my compulsive gamblers and he gave me two tickets to the racetrack on Saturday.
It's a luxury box ?I though you might want to go.
Oh I would love to Niles.
Why don't you want to use them? Well, the jockeys if you must know.
What? Diminutive, underweight figures in expensive silks wielding riding crops.
It just reminded me too much of Maris.
Dad, what about you? I've never known you to turn down the horses.
Ah, sorry.
I've got poker with the guys.
Oh well then.
I'll just call one of my friends.
Jeez.
This is sort of embarrassing.
The first three names on my list are all back in Boston.
What about someone from your wine club? Oh well truth be told Daphne, those people are insufferable bores unless they have a glass in their hands.
Sherry, Niles? Please.
Oh I know.
How about Ed O'Hanlon? Moved away last year.
Ooh, how about Edmund Kelly? If I know old Ed he'd never leave Seattle.
Indeed not.
They buried him here three years ago.
Dear me.
Really? I'll miss him.
Yes.
Three years from now when you think of him again there'll be a void! My God how did this happen? I've been back here for two years and I've yet to forge any new friendships.
You'd better watch it Frasier.
Next thing you know you're gonna be like one of these old people who are so set in their ways that they're only happy hanging around with people who are the same as they are.
What exactly is your point Dad? That I've lost my knack for making friends? Well I hate to bring it up but you never were very good at it.
It was always you and Niles ever since you were kids.
The two of you always holed up in that damned garage ? at least until you burned it down.
You burned down the garage? Well, between Frasier and his Bunsen burner and me and my mosquito repellentÂ
in retrospect it was unavoidable! Still, you know Dad, I did have friends in college and back in Boston.
It's only since I moved to Seattle that I've started falling back on Niles.
Ooh ?"falling back on Niles"? Niles, you know what I mean.
Settling for what's comfortable and familiar.
My God, you and I can go out together and I know what you're thinking before you even say it.
Well then I'm sorry you had to hear that Frasier! You know what? This would make a wonderful topic for my show.
"Making New Friends" What are we so afraid of? Why do you make everything so complicated? You wanna meet somebody new? You just walk up to him, stick out your hand and say "Hi.
How you doing?" Thank you Dad.
I can always count on you not to overthink something.
Thanks Hey! MAYBE JUST A SHAMPOO AND SET So why is it we have so much trouble making friends? Is it because we've become closed off? No longer want to reach out to our fellow man? Well I'd like to think that if one of you listeners out there happened to see me on the street you'd feel free to walk right on up to me and? Excuse me Dr.
Crane, we have to stop for a very important public service announcement HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? You're opening yourself up to every creep out there! Oh Roz that's exactly the kind of cynicism I'm talking about.
I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.
Well I believe in the strangeness of strangers! Three seconds.
Hi, we're back with the topic of friendship.
Now let's go to the switchboard.
Roz, who's on line one? Good news Dr.
Crane.
It's Gerard from Stanwood.
A new friend.
Hello Gerard.
I'm listening.
Well I called for another reason Dr.
Crane.
But what you just said really moved me.
I wish more people felt that way.
Well thank you Gerard.
I sense a kindred spirit.
Maybe we could get together some time? Have a beer? Maybe I couldÂ
you knowÂ
comb your hair? Well thank you so much for your offer of friendship George but I really don't have five thousand dollars to invest in your French fries vending machine.
And for the sake of those who do invest I suggest, Sir, that you find a better name than "The Spuddy Buddy".
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane wishing you all good mental health.
I mean that today more than ever! I just love it when I'm right.
It makes the day so good.
You stacked the deck didn't you? Oh please.
You should have heard some of the calls I didn't put through let alone these faxes.
Read some of these.
They're sick.
Oh Roz my listeners are not sick? Although this one does bear watching! Here's one that has promise.
"Dear Dr.
Crane.
I never thought I'd write a letter like this but I was moved by today's show.
As a photographer I come into contact with new people on a daily basis yet I often find it difficult to make that one on one connection.
However your words offered hope and I just wanted to say thank you.
Sincerely.
Bob Reynolds.
" Doesn't sound too wacky.
You know what? I think I'm going to give Mr.
Bob Reynolds a call.
Are you nuts? He could be a raving psychopath with a trunkful of decomposing squirrels.
Oh rubbish Roz.
I'm going to call him.
Where did you come up with such a disgusting image? Meet Garth from Tacoma.
BUTANE AND THE BEAST You're late today but I'm glad you're here.
I need your help My designer is ready to mutiny if I don't pick a fabric for my new couch.
Now I've brought lots of swatches so make yourself comfortable.
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