Oh, how does he always hear me? He doesn't.
He just swings through every twenty minutes.
He knows you'll be eating some kind of junk.
Well, I don't want him eating these.
Well, then do what I do when I want Eddie away from me.
I make a sound like La la la la la la la la la la la! That's mean! Why? It doesn't really hurt his ears.
He just finds certain noises irritating.
That was the most riveting production of Wagner I have seen this season.
I still have goose bumps from when Klingsor summoned Kundry with a terrible cry and ordered her to seduce Parsifal: "Ha! Er Ist Shun Der Knabe!" Well, I had a pretty good night too.
Took myself a nice, hot bath.
And, remember that corn I had on my toe? Well, it got so soft I was just able to peel it right off.
Um it's going to be difficult for me to top that, but I have some rather exciting news myself.
I'm sure you're all familiar with the Safford case that's been in the papers recently? Oh, you mean that scum-sucking jerk who's trying to get his father committed? Yes.
Well, guess who's been retained by that scum-sucking jerk! I'm going to be testifying as an expert witness at Mr.
Safford's capacity hearing.
Wait a minute.
You're gonna help sell that poor old guy down the river? Not at all.
Mr.
Safford is unbalanced.
His son is worried sick about him.
Oh, his son's worried he's not gonna get his hands on his father's fortune.
Boy, the minute a man starts getting up there his kids start making plans to divvy up his stuff.
Dad, you'll be pleased to know that Niles and I have decided to give all your things to charity.
We're donating your clothes to the blind.
Well, it's just not right.
A bunch of moneygrubbers behind closed doors trying to declare this poor old guy insane.
For starters, it's not behind closed doors.
The entire proceeding will be broadcast on Court TV.
Oh, great.
What father doesn't look forward to the day he gathers his friends around the TV and says, "Hey, that's my boy.
The one making the old man cry.
" Dad, I'm sure Niles is only doing this to protect Mr.
Safford from himself.
Old age doesn't have to be that way, you know.
My great-aunt Beryl lived well into her nineties, and her mind never failed her.
Of course, she lost her eyesight in her seventies, and her balance in her eighties.
By the end we spent most of our time propping her up or putting another bandage on her forehead.
Oh, but bless her heart, she could always tell you just how it happened.
Well, Safford is clearly irrational.
Recently, he wandered off.
They found him two days later riding across Wyoming in a boxcar full of bums; he's taken to selling off property for half its worth; and most damning of all, when I went over to evaluate him, he continually referred to me as "Sparky.
" I don't know, Niles, you always wanted to have a nickname.
You remember your campaign to have the string section of the youth orchestra call you "Rocky?" It would have worked, too, if Tilly Farraday hadn't pinned me to the ground with her trombone when I rebuked her for neglecting to clean her spit valve.
Well, I still think picking on the old man stinks.
God help you if you're over fifty and you do anything that seems the least bit odd to your family.
And I'm pretty sure he's having an affair with his secretary.
Well, have you talked to your husband and heard his side of the story? No.
Well, Beth, it does seem that your fears may be well-founded, but I still think you should talk to your husband before you come to any final conclusions.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane, wishing you good day, and good mental health.
Here are those PSAs, we'll do them tomorrow before the show.
Thank you, Roz.
Roz, why is that light still on? Is that Beth who I was talking to? No! Yes, it is! No, it isn't! Yes, it is! It is not! Have you been talking to Beth? Of course not! What do you think - I'm giving advice to your callers? Oh, Frasier, you are so paranoid.
The world is full of enemies.
Everybody's plotting against you.
There's a man in a dark trench coat right behind you.
Ho-ho, very droll.
Dr.
Crane? I'm John Giroux.
I work for Harlow Safford.
Oh, Mr.
Giroux, I'm afraid there's been some mistake.
It's my brother who's connected with the case.
Oh, we're quite aware of that, but Mr.
Safford feels he's the victim of a grave injustice.
He's an ardent fan of your show and feels you're the only man who can help him.
Well, that's very flattering, but given my brother's connection with the case, it wouldn't be very prudent for me to get involved.
Won't you at least talk to my client? Judge him by his words and his actions, not by how old he is? You sound like my father - a man who believes that burial is a form of age discrimination.
If you stop by this evening, I'm convinced you'll find Mr.
Safford is completely competent.
Even if you won't testify on his behalf, perhaps you could at least get your brother to reconsider his testimony.
It's highly unlikely that I would disagree with my brother's opinion.
I really admired your advice to that last caller - you know, about not judging someone until you've heard his side of the story? You're a good lawyer, Mr.
Giroux.
Mr.
Safford only seeks out the very best.
I'll see you at seven? The address is on the back of my card.
I don't care what Dr.
Crane said.
You start talking to your husband and he'll start covering his tracks.
Get a detective now.
You were talking to my last caller.
I swear; it's the first and last time.
I will never do it again.
I hope not.
Thanks for holding, Bill.
I'm listening.
Enjoy your tour? Uh yes, yes.
That's quite a model railroad Mr.
Safford has running through the grounds.
I've never seen one on quite that scale.
Impressive, isn't it? Oh, yes.
Yes, especially when it's bearing down on you.
I got my heels stuck in the soft grass.
I barely made the crossing.
Tell me, how often does Mr.
Safford play with his train? Just the weekends, when he gives rides to underprivileged children.
Very admirable.
There's a lot you don't know about him, Dr.
Crane.
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