You got something on your mind? It's Joe.
Tonight's our six-month anniversary, but we can't celebrate until next week because he's flying to Las Vegas with his buddies.
Oh, Vegas, huh? Great! Well, tell him not to miss the show at the Diamond Lounge: a Topless History of the World! If they've still got the same Bathsheeba he's in for a real treat! Oh yes, that's just where I want Joe spending our anniversary, some smutty show in Vegas! No, it's very tasteful and historically accurate.
Except at the end, where Eleanor Roosevelt and Eva Braun settle World War Two by wrestling in pudding.
Hello, Dr.
Crane.
Daphne.
Oh, Niles.
To what do we owe this pleasure? To an unscrupulous art dealer who's trying to rob me blind.
Last night, I was at a gallery opening, and Niles, is this going to be a long story? Moderately.
Walk-and-talk.
Anyway, I was at this opening, in conversation, when I made a rather emphatic point about pointillism, when I lost the grip on my canap and found that it became airborne! Well, the next thing I know I'm being confronted by an irate gallery owner who's demanding I reimburse him for the damage to one of his paintings! How he could notice a fleck of foie gras on a Jackson Pollock is beyond me.
He's getting an estimate, and just to protect myself, I seem to recall you knowing a trustworthy art restorer? Oh yes, I do, actually.
Saved my life last year when Eddie licked my Liechtenstein! I'll get you his card.
Oh, thank you.
You free for lunch today? Oh, sadly, no.
The radio station is subjecting my program to something they call a "focus group" this afternoon.
Dinner, perhaps? Oh, perfect.
And what exactly is a focus group? Well, they actually drag a pack of people off the street and make them listen to my program, and then dutifully record their opinions about it.
How demeaning! Oh, absolutely.
Can you imagine Sigmund Freud being dragged into a roomful of Viennese laymen to hear remarks like, "hate that Oedipal thing, but, oh, love the penis envy!" I mean, really! The worst thing is that they may change my show in deference to the opinion of Joe Six-Pack! You're worrying too much.
I was on a focus group once.
That sound you hear is a nail being hammered into my coffin.
They were trying out a new frozen snack.
It was a meatball with the cheese injected right in the middle.
Just as nature intended.
Dr.
Niles Crane.
Ah.
So, you have the estimate? What? Four thousand dollars, to remove a miniscule gobbet of duck liver?! I could do the same thing with a Q-tip and some club seltzer! Oh well, you may very well say "pay up or else," but I have something to say to you? Yeah, well at least I wasn't fooling around with the babysitter! Shut up! No, you shut up! Oh please, I have enough aggravation without having to listen to a stupid talk show! I swear, the only life forms lower than the people who appear on those shows are the ones who watch them! Like me? What? Oh no, I didn't realize? No, no, no, that's quite all right.
Although I do find it interesting that I get criticized for listening to people's problems, when all you do is get rich from it.
Surely, Daphne, even you can see the difference between cheap sensationalism and the practice of psychiatry.
Oh, "even me?" As in, "even feeble-minded Daphne?!" Well, I'll tell you what I can tell the difference between: a true gentleman and a condescending prig! I am NOT! He said priggishly.
Forgive me if I'm not as down to earth as you and your tattooed, muu-muu wearing brethren! You pompous twit! Couch zombie! Snob! Brat! Oh, shut up! No, YOU shut up! I'm glad we turned off the TV.
Oh, Dr.
Crane, I'm so sorry! I'm just so upset at Joe! I didn't mean a word of it! Daphne, I apologize? Oh no, it was my fault? I called you a couch zombie? No, please? Friends? Oh, of course.
Niles, what was that all about? I'm not sure.
But, oh, mama, it was glorious! Blood-pounding, sarcastic zingers flying! Are you saying you that enjoyed fighting with Daphne? Every exhilarating moment! It was pure, unbridled passion! I think I still have some of her spittle on my forehead! Oh, why did Dad ever tell us not to fight with girls? It's wonderful! The friction between us? Niles, is this going to be a long description? Very! Walk-and-talk.
By showering a reluctant girlfriend with gifts, Billy, you're applying a band-aid to a gaping wound.
My advice is to find someone who will return your worthy affection, or your wallet, as well as your bed, will be empty.
I see we're out of time.
Thank you for listening.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane, wishing you all good mental health.
OK, let's talk about Dr.
Crane's show.
Oh, I know you've been eyeing this two-way mirror, but the other people behind there are data consultants, so please speak freely.
There's no one involved with the show whose feelings could be hurt.
If anybody says anything bad about me, I'll kill myself! Now, Roz, relax.
We do a perfectly good show.
We're not going to change it one iota.
Only a fool would listen to the opinion of every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
I liked everything about it.
On the other hand, it's good to keep an open mind.
I like that Roz.
I think her voice is really sexy, especially that throaty laugh of hers.
Wow, that's nice.
I didn't know I had a throaty laugh.
You do.
I've noticed it too.
Really? Oh, you.
The stuff he says really seems to make a lot of sense.
Yeah, it's funny.
I mean, he takes his callers seriously, but he can kid around with them too.
Yeah, I listen to a lot of radio, and I think this is a great show.
Well, I just don't know how much more of this I can listen to! Manu, I notice you've been quiet.
Uh, do you have something to say? Me? No.
We'd like to hear your opinion of the program.
Well, it I don't know.
Something about I don't like it.
Well, who is this cheeky nonconformist? Well, let's see, his name is Manu Habib, married, no children, owns his own newsstand.
Wow, that is so weird, to hear someone's whole life summed up like that.
"Roz Doyle, Radio Producer, single.
" Well, getting back to your thoughts, Manu, you said there was something about the program you didn't like.
Can you be more specific.
I don't like him.
Why? I don't know.
I just don't like him.
Oh, I do.
I'm gonna start listening to him all the time.
It's a great show.
My God, Frasier, this is a love-fest! I can't believe we were even worried about it.
"I just don't like him.
" Hmm Well, looks like our coffee's here.
Why don't we take a quick break, OK? Hey, sports fans! How's it going in here? Bulldog, I thought they were testing your show across the hall? Oh, yeah, they are.
But after ten minutes it's just the same-old, same-old.
Guys love me, chicks pretend not to.
Whoa, your group's even uglier than mine! Would you knock it off? These people happen to like us.
Oh, will you guys lighten up? You got to get in the spirit of things.
Hey, hey! This is great, I live for a moment like this.
That's right, that's right, go for it, right there, right there.
Bulldog? As long as you're in there you might as well go after the Huevos Rancheros you had for breakfast! Oh, stop it! Hey, ten bucks says he eats what he finds.
Oh, that's disgusting! Come on, come on, come on, come o BINGO! Do I know these people or what?! Hi, Niles.
Hey, Dad.
May I assume from your dress windbreaker that you'll be joining us for dinner? Yep, but I'm making a pitch that we eat at the Timber Mill.
I got a coupon from there that expires tomorrow.
Oh.
If I dine there tonight, so may I.
Hello, Dr.
Crane.
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