-Hello, Niles.
-Frasier, quick give me your museum membership card.
-What for? -I just heard tickets go on sale today for the exhibit of fourteenth century Japanese netsuki figurines.
Oh, then the rumours were true? Hurry, hurry, I want to get there -before the line forms.
-Five seconds.
Oh, just give me a minute, Niles.
Just sit tight, huh? And we're back.
Before we take our last call I'd like to remind you that Mercy Hospital will be conducting free blood pressure testing this Saturday on Whidbey Island.
Hypertension leads to strokes, heart disease and other maladies.
So we should all be on the lookout for symptoms like shortness of breath quickening of pulse, irritability- Oh, will you just shove the damn thing into your mouth! So let's all join together to help defeat this silent killer.
Roz, who is on the line? On line four we have Mac, who's recently moved here from Australia and he's having a problem with a co-worker.
Hello, Mac, welcome to Seattle, I'm listening.
Well, mate, it like your Shelia said.
I'm working with a real yob-out.
He goes on and on about things nobody gives a billabong about just to show off how smart he is.
Well, you have my sympathy.
There's nothing more irritating than pointless and pretentious erudition.
My advice to you is to simply avoid him, is that possible? Not really, you bloody wallaby! You're on right before me! Stay tuned for the Bulldog.
Well, that's one on me, or rather one on me and my call screener, Roz whose ancestors were once heard remarking "Oh, what a nice wooden horse, of course I'll sign for it.
" This is Dr.
Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
Gotcha! How many times have I asked you to desist with your adolescent antics? -I've got a sense of humour! -I mean it, I'll go over your head! Stop it, you're scaring me! Listen, you sleazy little lyme tick you do that one more time and I'll cut you off.
-And I don't mean mid-sentence! -Stop it, you're scaring me! Do you believe these hijinks I have to put up with? No.
Who would have thought it with a station whose current motto is, "Yakkety-Yak, We Talk Back"? Oh, run along.
-Oh, hello, Dr.
Crane.
-Miss Costas I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr.
Niles Crane.
-How do you do? -Enchanté.
I'd love to stay and chat but I'm off to get tickets -for Frasier and me at the Japanese netsuki exhibit.
-You'll love it.
I saw it in Kyoto.
It's just such a shame they're not letting the really rare pieces out of the country.
As my Japanese gardener says, Maimoshi chikosho.
Watch your mouth! Oh, you speak Japanese? Oh, I'll just retreat so that I can be one with my humiliation.
Oh Kate, can I have a word with you? -I'm in kind of a hurry.
-Yes, well, it'll just take a moment.
I seriously doubt that, but go ahead.
Yes, I've tried dealing with this problem on my own but Bulldog insists on interrupting my show -with his foolish pranks.
-I heard.
Yes, well I did not spend eight gruelling years at Harvard to be mocked by that -juvenile jackass! -Shameless! -Oh, he's beyond shameless! I'm talking about the way you manage to get Harvard into every conversation.
Well, I'm sure you'll mention your alma mater too some day when it's accredited! Gee, you sure know how to ask for help! -No, I'm sorry.
-All right, all right.
-I know, I'll take care of it.
-Just make sure he understands that You went to Harvard, I know, I know.
Hey, the key to this game is the husky secondary.
Jack, how can I put this to you delicately? You're a moron! Shut up! You know squat! You know less than squat! You and squat could go to the movies and squat could wear an "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt! You're awesome, Bulldog.
Way to nail a blow on Dr.
Crane! -You are the greatest! -Yeah, whatever, shut up.
Now, look, all you guys sending in any postcards to win tickets to the SeaHawks game.
Do I need another picture of the Space Needle? Chicks in thongs! Enough said? We'll be back right after this.
Hey, what I just said, I'm sorry.
I meant to say women in thongs.
-Stop busting Frasier's chops, enough said? -Well I could, but see all these lines lit up? They're all waiting to tell me how funny it was.
Are all these callers waiting to tell Bulldog how much they liked the joke he played on Frasier? All except the guy on nine, he thinks Bulldog sucks.
-Because of what he did to Frasier? -No, just in general.
-So, what do you want me to do? -If you think I'm going to allow you to publicly mock one of our most respected hosts on air just for the sake of higher ratings you and I are going to get along just fine! Come on, Eddie, you love paté.
And this is the good stuff.
-Uh-oh.
-Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear upon entering the door.
Would that have anything to do with the fact that you're feeding my imported foie gras to a dog? Well, I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.
Oh, well, heaven forbid that Eddie should ever work a nerve! When Niles gets here we'll have sherry and snausages! That reminds me, Dr.
Crane will be a bit late.
Your father asked him to stop at the vet and pick up some pills for Eddie.
I'm the one who's had a hard day.
How come no one ever brings me tranquilizers? I've often wondered that myself.
-Hello? -Hello, this is Dr.
Julius Irving.
I'm calling for Dr.
Niles Crane his receptionist said he might be there.
I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.
No, no, nothing important.
Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Mikado.
" Well, perhaps I can help.
I'm Niles's brother Dr.
Frasier Crane, and as luck would have it I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford.
People still ask to see my Yum-Yum.
I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"? Well, let me see.
Well, of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be but, um Dad, would you please be quiet? -I'm trying to settle a bet here.
-You sure are! Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air.
Sayonara, Doc! Well, Dad, I'm glad to see that you're amused having your own son humiliated publicly.
Oh, come on, it's funny.
He makes everybody look stupid the guys in the newsroom, Chopper Dave That is not exactly a miracle transformation when it comes to Chopper Dave.
A man whose life work consists of looking down at the freeway and saying, "Crowded"; "Not Crowded.
" -Where are you going? -To the station! Oh, come on, Frasier, don't take it all so seriously.
You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force.
The day they replaced my bulletproof vest with a big lacy bra I knew I was one of the guys.
Thank you, Dad.
That also clears up a question that's troubled me for years concerning the night you were shot! The "Salmon" that's what you want to name our expansion hockey team, "The Seattle Salmon"?! Why don't you take your two IQ points, rub them together see if you can't start a fire, beat it! -Hey, you're in the doghouse! -Hey, am I on? Yes, take as long as you want! Hey, Bulldog, you're the man.
How about we name them "The Bulldogs"? Hey, you want to suck up? Send money! Wait, wait, wait, wait, I got another one.
-What about "The Lizards"? -I hate lizards, they're disgusting.
They make my skin crawl.
You're an idiot -and you don't deserve to live! -You're the best, Bulldog! Shut up! Back in thirty! -I warned you.
-Hey, hey, clear your jets.
Kate told me to keep busting ya'.
Said it's good for ratings.
You got a beef, take it up with her! -I don't believe you.
-Pete, what did Kate say? -She said you're a pig.
-No, before that! She said keep raggin' on the doc'! -I want to talk to Kate now! -She's not in.
-Oh, very clever.
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