- Niles.
- I'm sorry to drop by unannounced, - but I need your help.
- Of course.
Sherry? Please.
As you know, ever since I moved into The Montana, I've been angling to meet our most famous tenant, Esmë Bing, the walnut queen.
Well, I finally cornered her in the ornamental garden by the wishing well, and I felt very pleased with myself.
That is, until the walnut queen invited me to a ball.
Now I have a problem.
Yes, your life has become an operetta.
No, it's a charity ball.
And when I say "invited," I mean she let me buy a table for ten - at $5000.
- Oh, no.
I have until Sunday to sell eight $500 tickets.
- Say no more.
- Oh.
- It's a bit steep, but if it's for charity - Thanks, Frasier.
- It is a very worthy cause.
- All right.
- Well, who should I make this out to? - To the Esmerelda Bing lnternational - Right.
Doll Museum.
You do have a problem.
I thought you prided yourself - on supporting the arts.
- The arts, Niles.
Not the crafts.
I told you, I can't do it now.
Sherry's taking me out for our third-month anniversary, and I gotta get a new sport coat.
You cannot skip your exercises again.
You skipped them yesterday.
This is the only time Sherry can go shopping with me.
And I can't go without her.
There isn't a woman alive with her fashion sense.
Carmen Miranda having passed on.
I should think having a lady friend would make you exercise more, not less.
I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in your condition who wants to enjoy certain, shall we say, indoor sports should take steps to make sure that cranky old Mr Hip doesn't, shall we say, let down the team, if you get my meaning.
Oh, don't you worry about me.
I may not be rookie of the year anymore, but I can still move around the bases.
- Oh, hey, Martin.
- Oh, look, a scout from the majors.
- See you later.
Gotta run.
ROZ: Okay, bye.
- Well, Roz, this is a surprise.
- Big news.
- Gertie Olsen's leaving the station.
- What, from Gertie's Grab Bag? - I love that show.
FRAZIER: Oh, please.
That homily-spouting hausfrau is the most embarrassing thing on the air.
- So she finally got canned, eh? - No, she got a million-dollar TV deal.
Good news for Gertie, and for the many atheists who will welcome this new proof of their theory.
Well, anyway, they're auditioning people for her time slot, and I'm gonna go for it.
What do you mean, your own show? Oh, Roz, that's exciting.
And what better way to celebrate an exciting new career move, than spending this Sunday at a swanky society ball.
Oh, drop it, Niles! Roz, I must say, this comes as bit of a surprise.
DAPHNE: I never knew you wanted your own show.
Well, it's the whole reason I got into radio.
I had my own show in college, and when I started working at the station, I just sort of got stuck on the producing side.
Well, what kind of show did you have in mind? I thought I'd talk about stuff I know.
You know, the singles' life in Seattle.
Dating, fashion, where to meet available men.
If you're looking for an event that'll be crawling with single men, - this particular gala should be just - Niles! Anyway, Frasier, I hope you'll support me on this.
Well I hate to lose you, but of course I'll support you.
Thank you, Frasier.
You're the best.
- Well - Well, listen, as long as I've got you all here, I'm putting together a tape, and I could use people to pretend to be callers.
FRAZIER: We'd be glad.
- Sounds like fun.
- I'll come back tonight.
FRAZIER: All right.
And, Daphne, I need at least one spicy call.
Could you pretend to be a woman who doesn't believe in sex without love, but just feels so horny sometimes she wants to jump anything in pants? Well, I'll try.
And while I'm at it, I'll see if I can fake a British accent.
ROZ: Good afternoon, Seattle.
I'm Roz Doyle, and this is Love Matters.
Today we're chatting with merchant seaman Steve Baron from Bellingham.
Tell me, Steve, what do you look for in an ideal date? When my shipmates and I put into port after several weeks at sea Cut.
I'm sorry, Frasier, but you don't sound like a merchant seaman.
Point well taken.
Let's try again.
All right.
So, Steve, what do you look for in an ideal date? When my shipmates and I put into port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is Head for the antique sales.
Fine, smarty pants.
You play Steve then.
No.
Never mind.
Let's just go on to my next idea.
Daphne? Okay, you be the girlfriend in a couple who wants to spice things up in the bedroom.
- Niles, will you be her boyfriend? - Yes.
Okay.
I'm here with Fred and Patty.
Tell me, you two, what made you think that your sex life needed a little jump-start? It's all his fault.
He just seems to have lost interest in me.
I've done everything I can to entice him.
I've I've served dinner wearing nothing but high heels and an apron.
I've called him at the office and talked dirty.
And last night when he came home, I was lying in bed wearing a whipped-cream teddy.
But did he care? No! And none of this turned you on, Fred? Fred? That's nothing.
You should hear the other things that didn't turn me on.
Tell me about them, Patty.
Let's cut to the chase.
Patty, men are like fish.
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