Oh, hey, Frasier.
Hmm? Ah.
Ooh, catalogues.
Yes, I'm trying to find the perfect wedding gift for Daphne and Donny.
Oh, right.
Well, now that they've set a date, I guess I'll be getting my bridesmaid draft notice.
You know, Roz, she may not even ask you.
Oh, she'll ask me.
They all do.
Ah.
The next thing I know, I'm wearing some revolting puffy-sleeved dress made from the same material that keeps the space shuttle from burning up during reentry.
You know, Roz, Daphne might just surprise you and pick a dress you like.
Oh, impossible.
They'realwaysugly.
That's the way the bride makes sure she's the prettiest one at her wedding.
Gee, that's awfully cynical.
Oh, yeah? When was the last time you found yourself staring at a bridesmaid instead of the bride? That would've been at my wedding to Lilith.
Hello, Frasier.
Oh, Niles! Frasier, do you remember the time the Kriezel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway? I've told you, Niles, I would've helped you, but their sister was holding me down.
No, my point is-- a cappuccino, please-- even that experience was less painful than the date I was just on.
She was a cat person.
She brought her cat on our date.
Oh, Lord.
Well, she had good reason-- it was Mr.
Waggles' birthday.
Oh, dear.
Actually, his birthday party.
Oh.
Actually, his surprise birthday party.
Oh, Niles, I'm sorry.
Where on earth did you meet this woman? At Nordstroms.
We both reached for the same cashmere throw.
When she said she needed something to keep her waggles warm I thought it was a coy euphemism, but Thank you.
Yes.
Well, Niles, I certainly understand your being upset, but you know you've got to keep on looking.
Well, trust me, with Daphne getting married I have no choice but to press on.
But I'm going to change my strategy.
Do you recall the other day at the health club Tony Hubner gave me that phone number? Dear God, Niles, not a dating service.
No.
It's not a dating service.
It's an introduction network for busy professionals.
I give them my vital statistics and there's an extensive screening process.
They bill me at the end of the month.
Niles, please, they are all money-grabbing con artists who prey on the pathetic and the lonely.
For God's sake, you sign up with visions of some PhD candidate and what do they deliver? A buck-toothed librarian who needs help washing her mother.
Are you really that desperate? Half an hour ago, I had my left leg tethered to Mr.
Waggles' forepaw and we came in third in the five-legged race.
Geez, you'd think they'd let him win on his birthday.
I know, Mum, but it is my wedding.
I've given in to you on so many things.
Couldn't this one thing gomyway? I just don'tlike those tiny corns in me salad.
No, I don't hate you.
Well, that's just not true.
I'm glad you're alive.
All right, all right.
Tiny corn it is.
I've got to run now.
Cheery-bye.
(sighs) That was Mum.
Mmm.
She had a thought about the salad.
Something told me yesterday's crouton skirmish wasn't the end of it.
I suppose she can be a bit overbearing, but, as she often points out, she is paying for the wedding, and I am her only daughter, and giving birth to me was so painful she did bite through a kitchen spoon.
Daphne just don't let your mother guilt you into having the wedding thatshewants instead of the weddingyouwant.
Oh, don't worry.
Mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Oh, Fras you're going to love this stuff I got from the farmer's market.
This guy takes the juiciest cut of filet mignon, slices it real thin and makes jerky out of it.
Oh, Dad, I'm not really in Not bad, huh? Yes, if only I had a nice powdered cabernet to go with it.
Dad, listen have you given any thought to Daphne's wedding present? Oh, now, Frasier, not everybody likes jerky as much as you and me.
No, Dad No, no, I just want to get her something special.
Especially since her mother seems to be taking all the joy out of it for her.
Oh, how about a nice piece of luggage? You know, a good, hard suitcase, like the kind people used to put stickers on to show everybody where they'd been.
Remember your grandad's? Mm-hmm.
His whole life was on it.
Topeka, Sioux Falls, Biloxi.
It was like a map of the world.
Yes, what a loss to us all that he failed to write his memoirs.
I'm thinking of something that would matter to Daphne.
(hiccuping): Something that shows her how we feel-- good Lord.
A little spicy, wasn't it? You know, maybe we should get something for her wedding.
Like what? I don't know, uh the flowers, say.
That's it.
We could offer to pay for her wedding flowers.
Wow, that's a bit pricey, isn't it? Don't worry about it, Dad.
(hiccuping): You just donate what you can, and I'll pay for the rest.
Good God, what was in that jerky? You just ate it too fast.
Next time, you have to savor it a little.
Trust me, Dad, I'm never going to taste that vile stuff again.
(hiccuping): Oop.
Spoke too soon.
Mmm Daphne, may I have a word with you, please? What is it, Dr.
Crane? Well it's about your wedding gift.
Now I know it's not traditionally the role of a friend, but we consider you family so please don't say no.
Dad and I would be honored to pay for your wedding (hiccups) Pay for my wedding? (hiccups) How wonderful! (hiccuping) That's the most generous gift I could ever imagine! What's all the hubbub? Dr.
Crane just told me about your incredible wedding present! Oh! You people are heaven-sent.
Well, I'm glad you like it and and you know what? We're going to throw in a piece of luggage, as well.
I'm just so overwhelmed.
See, I told you.
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