Xmas Story Ladies and gentlemen,|Conan O'Brien's head! Thank you.
Thank you.
Let's get started.
Max, play me over.
Someone forgot to feed Max! So, people are getting pretty worried|about this Y2K problem, huh? No! They fixed that 900 years ago! Just bear with me.
|I'm walking to work this morning I doubt it! Listen, I may have lost my freakishly|long legs in the War of 2012 but I've still got something|you'll never have: a soul! And freckles! Well, I'm out of material.
You can catch me next week|at the Andromeda Chuckle Hut.
Enjoy your breakfast! Let's face it.
Comedy's a dead art form.
|Now, tragedy? That's funny.
Come on, everyone.
Perhaps skiing will help us forget|the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.
- Great idea!|- We can only hope.
This snow is beautiful.
I'm glad global warming|never happened.
Actually, it did.
Thank God,|Nuclear Winter canceled it out.
Enough of your mindless chitchat!|Let's get going! Damn it.
We're stuck! At least you're not cold-blooded.
Sweet lion of Zion,|look at the professor go! Look out for those trees! Yeah, yeah, relax.
Trees down! Trees doWn! Cool.
What if you want the trees up? Trees up! - Trees down.
|- Trees doWn.
Looking good, meatball! Excuse me, sir.
|You're snowboarding off the trail.
Lick my frozen metal ass.
- Mommy!|- Help! You, a bobsledder?|That I'd like to see.
Listen, you filthy crab.
Yep, I remember.
They came in last at the Olympics and|retired to promote alcoholic drinks.
A true inspiration for the children.
A little help, please? Oh, what the hell.
You poor man.
What happened to you? Well, I was on the triple-diamond|slope when suddenly Oh, excuse me.
Hello, there.
Nothing like a warm fire|and a Super Soaker of fine cognac.
Really puts you|in the Christmas spirit.
- What-mas?|- Christmas.
You know, "X-M-A-S.
" You mean Xmas.
You must be using|an archaic pronunciation.
Like when you say "ask"|instead of "ax.
" Xmas, huh? You know, this'll be my first Xmas|away from home.
Let me ax you something.
Would it cheer you up|if we go get an Xmas tree? Yeah! An old-fashioned Xmas tree.
These aren't Xmas trees! They're like a pine tree.
Pine trees have been extinct|for 800 years, Fry.
Gone the way of the poodle|and your primitive notions of modesty.
Ah! Brisk.
This isn't the way Christmas|is supposed to be.
- There, there.
|- Everything's changed.
That's not true.
Oh Xmas tree|Oh Xmas tree Bah boo bee boo bah bee boW Every Christmas, Mom would get a goose|for goose burgers.
Dad would whip up his special eggnog|out of bourbon and ice cubes.
This dumb holiday just makes me think|of all I left behind.
- Let's just stop talking about Xmas.
|- Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards have arrived! Xmas! Amy, there you go.
Fry.
Professor.
|Zoidberg.
A mighty haul for Bender.
Yes, I got the most! I win Xmas! And last but not least,|the sweet flower of the office: Me.
Hermes Conrad.
Ah, a picture of my mommy.
Huh? What's this? A card from my cousin Zoidfarb.
Instead of Claus, he writes "Claws.
" Now that's humorous.
Today's comedians|could learn from this card.
What's the point of Xmas when everyone|you know died 1000 years ago? I'm the loneliest person on Earth.
Leela, how about a little sympathy? Yoiks! What was that about? She's an orphan.
Yes.
And the only one of her species|in all the known universe.
What a lonely life.
My God, poor Leela.
Heard you needed cheering up.
|Well, old Bender will make you laugh.
Look at me, look! Man.
I got to work on my act.
I feel like a rat.
I've been whining like a pig|while Leela was lonely as a frog.
- I could kick myself.
|- I'll do it for you.
- Thanks.
|- You should be ashamed of yourself.
You'd have to be blind not to notice|that Leela's a Cyclops.
Fry's over there, man.
Xmas Eve.
Another pointless day|where I accomplish nothing.
The holiday season is a time|of celebration for most.
But it's also a time to remember the|sad suffering of the less fortunate.
Earthlings do not yet knoW|the meaning of suffering.
Earlier today, I visited a shelter|for doWn-and-out robots.
Homeless robots, too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they need|to fuel their circuits.
Is there anything sadder? Only droWning puppies.
And there|Would have to be a lot of them.
Where you going, Bender? To volunteer at a liquor kitchen|for homeless robots.
Right.
As if you ever did|anything charitable.
I'm very generous.
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