War Is the H Word Spider, Hubble, Nit Big Pink! The gum with the|breath-freshening power of ham.
And it pinkens your teeth|while you chew.
All right, sergeant, $100 of|Pixie Stix and porno mags with your 5 percent|military discount, comes to $95.
Forty cents.
You forgot our|5 percent discount.
Only for military people.
What? This is the worst kind|of discrimination! - The kind against me!|- Look, our policy is if for any reason you're|not satisfied, I hate you.
Okay, now I'm mad.
Full price for gum?|That dog won't hunt, Monsignor.
Hello.
We're here because|we love our planet.
Sign here, patriots.
|You'll get your discount cards.
Can we use the cards to buy gum,|then quit the Army? Playing you all for chumps? Correct.
There's no obligation.
Unless, of course, war were declared.
- What's that?|- War were declared.
Be careful, Fry.
If you kill anyone,|make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage.
|Their rich, tasty courage.
I don't want you to worry|about your jobs.
That's why I'm firing you now.
I want to enlist.
|They always die if I'm not there.
Sorry.
|The Army's policy is men only.
- What?|- Shameful, I agree.
In the old days, I proudly fought with|female troops, shoulder to shoulder.
After some deadly blunders caused|by distracting low-cut fatigues and harmless pinching,|the Army decided women weren't fit.
- Not when I'm in charge.
|- Someone should teach you a lesson.
If it's a lesson in love, I suffer|from a very sexy learning disability.
- What do I call it, Kif?|- Sex-lexia.
Men, you're lucky.
Soon you'll|be fighting for your planet.
Many of you will die for it.
A few will be forced through|a fine mesh screen.
They'll be the luckiest.
- Great.
We're gonna die.
|- And this ham gum is all bones.
Now, to present the logistics|of our mission welcome the original Gerber Baby Earth President Richard M.
Nixon.
This is the brass ring, fellas.
- Planet Spheron One.
|- Cool effect! A desolate, ugly planet with no natural resources|or strategic value.
Questions? - Why is this planet worth dying for?|- Can't say, you're the one who'll die.
So we'll know,|who's the enemy? We know nothing|about their language history, or appearance.
|But we can assume this: They stand for everything|we don't stand for.
Also, they said|you look like dorks! They look like dorks!|I'm gonna What's the matter, private?|Tent got your tongue? Kif, write that down and send it|to Humor in Uniform.
That guy makes Speedy Gonzales|look like Regular Gonzales.
That recruit is phenomenal! Yes.
He edged out my old mark|by two seconds.
And 16 minutes.
|And 12 hours.
I do plan to finish someday, Kif.
Good hustle, soldier.
Sorry, sir.
I was still in attack|mode.
You know how testosterone is.
As a bubbling Crock-Pot|of male hormones, I sure do.
- What's your name, private?|- Lee, La, Man.
La Man.
Lemon! Lee Lemon, sir.
Lemon, you're a man's man.
|A man's man's man.
More importantly, your hand,|while firm and manly is soft as a velvet child.
|What's your lotion? Pert and Popular.
Roger that.
|Get me 10 cases of Pert and Popular.
What about your Jergens? Squirt it on some homeless man|with dry elbows.
Private Lee Lemon may well be|the finest recruit I've ever seen.
That young man fills me with hope.
And some other emotions that are weird|and deeply confusing me.
Hello.
Now that's a nice rosé.
Anyway, we open up the panda crate|and the thing's dead.
Upchucked its bamboo.
|True story.
That's whatever you were talking|about for you.
- Mind if we sit with you?|- Why the hell would I? We're all guys here.
|Sweaty, hairy, gassy guys.
- Good point.
I guess.
|- You're my kind of soldier.
A foul-mouthed, barrel-chested,|beer-bellied pile of ugly muscle.
- Who's got a special lady back home?|- I have a thing for this girl at work.
Really? What type is she?|Blond, or Chinese, or Cyclops? - Cyclops.
|- She sounds sweet.
But sweet girls aren't for you.
You hard-fighting, hard-farting,|ugly son of a Stop flattering me! Ten hut! Well, well, well.
|If it isn't Lee Lemon the flaming star|of Brannigan's Rough Rangers.
Lemon, do you like to read?|I got a great book on tape.
It's about life in ancient Greece.
Sir, the alarm! I think I'd better Don't talk.
Just go.
We're now in position|above Spheron One.
This is the moment we trained|for all yesterday afternoon.
Now, the battle plan.
The key|to victory is the element of surprise.
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