Two Two, three (Alarm clock ringing) Decisions, decisions.
Should I wear my nerd glasses today, or not? Usually I don't.
Whatever.
It doesn't really matter.
Doesn't matter? (Grunts) Every decision we make opens up a universe of possibilities.
I put it to you that, as sentient beings, each choice we make is precious.
Well, in that case, don't wear them.
Ah, who asked you? (Humming happily) Ooh, I like your nerd glasses.
Are you a college student? A college student? (Laughing) Because if you are, I'd like to invite you to a hot sorority party tonight.
(Stops laughing) Yes, I'd like to enroll in college? You're still talking to me.
Oops.
$10,000 tuition? I can't afford that! Joey Mouse-Pad: Psst.
Over there.
- Where? - I mean over here.
Sorry, I forgot where I was.
Buongiorno, Bender.
We, the robot mafia, are prepared to lend you $10,000 at an interest rate of 10,000%.
That's easy to remember.
I'll take it! (Ringing) Decisions, decisions.
I guess I'll sit way in back, with the cool guys.
Yo hombre, you think you're cool enough to sit way in back with us college toughs? Yes, I do.
Yo, in that case you're all right, man.
Robot dean: Mr.
Bender, I realize class has only been in session for 32 seconds, but you've fallen in with a bad crowd.
I know, right? Also, I've decided to drop out of school.
Well, I got my tuition back, minus $9,000 for the damage I caused to the dean's wife.
Yo, welcome to the gang, homes.
I'm Fabricio.
Here's your Josten's ring.
Ooh.
(Coughing, crackling) Oh, yeah.
Hey, what's that? Is it drugs? Nah, it ain't drugs.
But it's a lot like drugs.
It's called spark.
You want a hit? Never heard of it.
Sure.
(Crackling) You like it? Eh, I can take it or leave it.
I guess I'll take it.
Hey! Bender: C'mon! I want that spark! Give me that! This a big decision, G.
Are you ready to get a gang tattoo that will mark you as a stone cold thug for life? I'm ready.
I'll take that big purple dinosaur, please.
On the face.
(Car engine roars) Oh, snap! It's our rival gang! We have a rival gang? I hate them! Hit the deck! Bender: Phew! That was close, eh, Fabricio? (Choking) Fabricio! Rest in peace, homie.
(Crackling) Yo Paco, I'm hurtin' bad.
Hook me up with some spark.
- Five bucks.
- Five bucks? You know I spent all my money on gambling lessons.
How am I supposed to get $5? Hello, handsome.
Might I procure your services? Uh what do I have to do? Oh, nothing sordid, I assure you! Simply vomit on me, ever so gently, while I humiliate a pheasant.
(Retching) Save it for the boudoir! Okay, here's my $5! Give me the stuff.
Give it to me! Joey Mouse-Pad: Sorry there, sport.
That cash greenback belongs to us Mafiolios.
There's no way I'm letting go of that money! (Grunting) Told you.
(Sobbing) It's been quite a journey.
I dropped out of school, joined a gang, took money from a loan shark, and fell into a spiral of despair, addiction, and discount prostitution.
Mon, you had one hell of a day.
Yeah, but I learned something.
Life is about decisions.
Make the wrong ones, and you'll wind up face-down in a pool of your own blood and urine.
Still, to have your own pool I've made a lot of bad choices in life.
Now let's see if I can make just one good one.
Cookies! 50 cents a box! Give me all your change! And a box of snicker doodles! (Screaming) (Bender crying) Judge 724: Bender Rodriguez, you are charged with petty larceny, possession of something analogous to drugs, and assault with a smelly weapon.
- How do you plead? - Not guilty! Although I did do it.
That's right, I'm bad.
Due to the overwhelming nature of the evidence, we will begin with closing statements.
Your Honor, the state's case contains not one Kentucky kernel of truth, resting as it does on the contention that my client made a series of bad decisions.
However, my client made no such decisions! But by your client's own admission (Squawks) You see, Bender here is what is known in scientific circles as a "robot" A mere automaton whose behavior is pre-programmed by his software.
He has no free will! He cannot "decide" to engage in criminal behavior.
How, I say, I say, how can you convict him for his actions when he lacks the free will to undertake those actions? (Gasping) I'm awake, I'm awake! Order, order! Counselor, I am a robot myself.
Are you suggesting that any verdict I reach is simply the output of a pre-programmed Computer voice: Computation complete.
Judge 724: Not guilty! (Cheering) You did it, Bender! You got away with things! Did I, Fry? Did I? What's the point of living if I don't have free will? From now on, no matter what cool crimes I commit, people will say, "Bender didn't do that! It was just Bender's programming!" Well, I committed these crimes, do you hear me? I'm guilty! Bailiffs! Get that innocent robot out of my courtroom! Guilty! (Sobbing) I have no free will! I am not the master of my own fate! (Sobbing) No free will.
Not my fault.
Why do you care so much, Bender? I mean, for all we know, humans don't even have free will! Yeah, whatever.
Professor, you're my only hope.
If you love me even a little, build me some kind of free will unit! A robot free will unit? Impossible! And even if it were possible, which it's not, it would still be inconceivable which it is! (Sobbing quietly) Oh, I'm sorry, Bender I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
Also, good news, everyone! We have a delivery to the robot homeworld! (Sighs) So you want a piece of gum? If I do, it's only because I was predestined to want a piece of gum.
Whoa, that's pretty deep.
So you want a piece of gum? Yeah.
Listen.
Fry and I can't go down to the planet, or the robots will kill us on sight.
So Bender needs to make the delivery.
Ready to get to work, Bender? I wish I was a real boy Then I'd show them.
I'd kill them all.
Yes? Delivery for a Mr Wait, what was the middle digit? - Eight.
- Oh yes, that's me.
Hang on, let me just make sure you're not a human.
Ahh, nerve gas.
Sorry for the face blast, buddy.
But you gotta watch out for humans, right? They're just too dang unpredictable, what with their free will and all.
Amen, brother.
"Amen, brother?" Pfft.
What a boring, predictable thing to say.
You're all right.
Or are you? Bender: Boring and predictable, that's me.
Bender.
(Phone ringing) I'm lowering the platform.
You ready to come up? (Sighs) Why bother? I gotta mope things over for a while.
Goodbye, sweet meatbags (Sniffles) sweetbags.
Hello? Hello? What's happening? I'm not sure.
I think he's shuffling off sadly into the distance.
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