1. Pilot (第1季)【完整台词】

Kids, breakfast! Kids? Phil, would you get them? Yeah, just a sec.

That is so - Kids, get down here! Why are you guys yelling at us? When we're way upstairs, just text me.

All right, that's not gonna happen, and, wow, you're not wearing that outfit.

What's wrong with it? - Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt? Sorry? Oh yeah, that looks really cute, sweetheart! Thanks! - No, it's way too short, people know you're a girl you don't need to prove it to them.

Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.

I got it.

Where's the babyoil? - It's on our bedside tab I don't know, find it.

Come on! Iwas out of control growing up.

There, you know, I said it.

I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made.

If Hayley never wakes up on a beach in Florida, half-naked I've done my job.

OUR job.

- Right I've done our job.

That was a penalty! Gloria, they're 0 and 6, let's take it down a notch.

We're very different.

He's from the city.

He has big business.

I come from a small village.

Very poor, but very, very beautiful.

It's the number one village in north Columbia for all the what's the word? - Murders.

Yes, the murders.

Manny, stop him! Damn it, Manny! Come on, coach! You've gotta take that kid out! You wanna take him out? How about I take you out!? Honey, honey Why don't you worry about your son! He'd spend the first half with his hands in his pants! I wanted to tell her that for the last six weeks I'm Josh, Brian's dad.

- Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett Manny's mother.

Oh, this must be your dad.

Her dad? Uh, no, no, that's funny.

Actually, no.

I'm her husband.

Don't be fooled by the uh Give me a second here.

Actually no, I'm her husband! Don't be fooled by the Give me a second here.

She's adorable! - Oh, thank you! Hi, Precious - Hello.

We've just adopted her from Vietnam and we're bringing her home for the first time.

She's an angel.

You and you're wife must be thrilled! Sorry, sorry, sorry, daddy needed snacks.

So, what are we talking about? We have been together for five years now? And we decided we really wanted to have a baby so, we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate Then we figured, they're already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant? No, thank you.

You saw that right? Everybody fonding up to Lillian, then you walk on and suddenly it's all I'm gonna give a speech.

- You are not giving a speech you gonna stuck with this people for the next five hours! - You're right, it's okay, I'm sorry.

Honey, look at that baby with those creampuffs.

Okay, excuse me.

But this baby would be growing up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for us creampuffs and you know what, to all of you who judge, hear this, love knows no race, creed or gender and shame on you! You small minded, ignorant fe- Mitchell? - What? She's got the creampuffs.

We would like to pay for everyone's headsets.

MODERN FAMILY SEASON 1 EPISODE 1 Buddy, why do you keep getting stuk like this? I can get out this time.

I'm just gonna say it he needs to be checked by a specialist.

There! Be free, Excalibur! I'm having a friend over today.

- Who? You don't know him.

- Him? Ooh, a boy! You gonna kiss him? - Shut up.

Luke, Alex, why don't you take it outside, okay? - And do what? Fighting a son, it would be a nice change.

I'm kidding! Who's the boy? - His name is Dylan I might as well just tell him not to come, because you guys are just going to embarrass me again.

Hang on a second, you're fifteen, it's the first time you've had a boy over.

I'm bound to be a little suprised, but We're not gonna embarrass you! I'd better go charge the camcorder.

I'm kidding! Come on! Who are you talking to? I'm a cool dad.

That's my thang.

I surf the web, I text.

LOL, Laugh Out Loud, OMG, Oh My God WTF, Why The Face You know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so.

MOM! DAD! - What happend? Luke just shot me! - I didn't mean to! Are you okay? - No, the little bitch shot me! Language! They're only plastic bb's! It was an accident! What did I tell you what happened if you got him a gun? Deal with this! Buddy Uncool.

That's it? No, the agreement was that if he shoots someone you shoot him.

We were serious about that? Yes, we were and now you have to follow through.

I'm so sorry! - Liar.

Go! - He's got a birthday party.

What's more importand here, dad? You can shoot him afterwards, he'll be home at two.

- I can't shoot him at two, showing our house at two.

What about three? No, he's at a soccergame at three, and then Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing in five.

- Yeah, I guess that works for me.

Shoot Luke.

- Sorry dude, it's on the calendar.

Oh, come on! I'm quitting soccer, it is a game for children.

No, you're not quitting.

You would've stopped that goal if you weren't staring at that little girl.

She is not a girl, she is a woman.

You know Gloria, that blowup with that other mom, why do you have to do things like that? If someone sais somthing about my family, I'm going to - I'm just saying you could take it down here a little bit.

- Well yeah, but that's when you live down here but I live up here! You don't have to be so emotional all the time, that's all I'm saying.

Manny, you're with me on this, right? - I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her.

Oh, for God's sake.

Honey, she's 16.

- Oh, it's okay for you to take another lover? Watch it! I want to go to the mall where she works.

But first we need to get my white shirt, the silk one.

Okay, if that's what you really want to do.

Seriously, not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy white shirt and declare your love for a 16-year-old you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole in your puffy white underpants! Stop the car! Where you going? You hurt his feelings.

- Well, if it toughens him up a little bit, then oh, jeez, he's picking flowers! Manny is verry passionate, just like his father.

My first husband is very handsome, but too crazy.

It seemed like all what we did was fight and make love.

One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out of the window together.

Which one were you doing? I'm hearing this for the first time! This doesn't worry you? She barely slept in the plane, and she's stil wide awake.

- Oh, stop worrying! That orphanage, it was all woman.

Maybe she can't fall asleep unless she feels a woman's shape.

I guess that's possible.

So, here.

- What the hell is that suppose to mean? Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we expecting the baby.

Which has been very difficult.

But, apparently your body does a nesting, very maternal primal thing, were it retains nutrients.

Some sort of molecular physiology thing.

But that's science, you can't fight it.

I'm not saying anything.

You're saying everything.

Count to three, one, t - Three.

- Okay.

Oh my God, do you love it? -Yes, I What the hell is that? I had Andre do it when we we were gone.

Is that us? With wings? We're floating above her, always there to protect her.

Well, that's reassuring, right Lilly? Yeah, we tore you away from everyting you know, but don't worry, things are normal here.

Your fathers are floating fairies! Can you call Andre? Have him paint someting a little less gay? We need to stop having friends with names like Andre.

Redheaded dad is angry daddy.