23. Hawaii (第1季)【完整台词】

Aloha, Lily.

Aloha.

Oh, wait.

Let's do it one more time.

The doggy was blocking her face.

Yeah, go back.

No.

No! No.

We're not doing it a third time.

There she is- the prettiest white woman on Maui.

Milady.

Actually, Claire and I were supposed to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon.

Mm-hmm.

But something else came up.

I got pregnant with Haley.

My bad! We didn't even have a proper wedding.

We just went down to the courthouse on a Tuesday.

The judge sentenced me to life with no chance of parole.

You begged me to marry you.

It's true.

I did.

Oh! Hold on, my bride.

Allow me! [Grunts] What are you doing? Being romantic.

God, you're solid.

Sweetie, put me down.

Go on.

Okay.

Honey, come on.

Let's turn this vacation into a honeymoon.

Sweet pea, I'm a mom traveling with my kids.

For me, this is not a vacation.

It's a business trip.

Let's go.

Ah! Wow! This'll do.

It's beautiful.

Aloha! Hi! Welcome to the Four Seasons Maui.

What do you think, Manny? I'm home.

[Man] Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey Yeah! I can't believe we have our own hotel room.

Score! There's an iron in here! Don't you want to keep our room neat? You know, in case we entertain.

Who would we entertain? I noticed some lovely tweens down by the kids' club.

Maybe we can find a nice spot near them by the pool and send over a couple of virgin mai tais.

They may be interested in two sophisticated men like us.

I am a bathroom martian! Beep, boop, boop.

I am from the nebula of the Great Toilet.

Beep, boop.

Beep, boop, bop.

I want the biggest cheeseburger you got.

Instead of salad, I want fries.

Instead of fruit, I want chili fries.

Haley, sweetie, put the phone down and put on some sunscreen.

Please? We have got to stay on these kids all day, or else they're gonna burn.

Totally.

They put on the littlest bit of sunscreen in the morning, they think it's got them covered for the- Are you watching Gloria in my sunglasses? Is she moving in slow motion, or is my brain doing that? Phil, this is important.

Go ahead.

I'm glistening.

Hey, everybody.

We're on our way to see the world's largest banyan tree.

Does anybody want to come? Now, why in the hell would anyone want to leave paradise, take a hot bus ride to see a tree? The great thing about Cameron is that, uh, he's adventurous, like I am.

We-We both like to immerse ourselves in the culture and really get to know the locals.

We've made friends all over the world.

We're still in touch with Elunga, a man we met on safari in Tanzania.

[Mitchell] We actually send him all of our old clothes.

He was a very nice man when we met him, but based on his recent letters, I have a small fear he's become a warlord.

Hey.

I'm gonna go to the gym to work out a little bit.

You want to come with me? I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up.

- [Cell Phone Rings] - Ah, look at this.

My brother.

[Beeps] What's up, jackass? Happy birthday, you dumb son of a bitch.

Birthday's tomorrow, moron! I never understood this relationship.

- So, 63, right? - Hey, you can count! You know Dad was 63 when he died.

Huh? Hello? Thanks for reminding me.

Ah, don't worry.

He never took care of himself.

Ate like crap and drank too much.

Anyway, Irene's begging me for- [Beeps] Hey, Gloria, wait up.

I'm coming.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

So, I was thinking we book a couples' massage.

Mm-hmm.

I accidentally looked in on one.

They seemed really relaxed until they noticed me.

Haley, that's enough.

Get off the phone.

Luke, pull up your trunks! This bathing suit looks great on you.

Thanks, sweetie.

Haley, come on.

Off the phone.

No way.

Keira got her hair straightened? [Laughs] Claire, consider this a grand gesture of my love.

[Laughing] What are you- Oh, my God! Oh! What did you do? [Gasping] Phil, what are you thinking? That is an expensive cell phone.

It's just the beginning.

Buckle your seat belt, lady.

You're being wooed.

In nature, fathers are known to eat their young.

Is it because they're delicious? No.

It's because they want to give their female- bear, giraffe, what have you- the honeymoon they never had.

Just to be clear, I'm not condoning eating your kids, but I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.