1
Merry Christmas Eve, Alex.
So, he's still alive
Must mean you haven't told
Mom you're pregnant yet.
We want to be careful to do it right.
Now you're being careful?
I can't keep this secret anymore.
Look at me!
- [Gasps]
- Ugh.
She's going gray.
Oh my God, she is!
I was just gasping at the haircut.
Apparently, this is what
happens when I feel stress now.
Well, we're telling them today, okay?
That way, if Mom freaks,
she'll have 10 days in
Bermuda to calm down.
Okay, then go now!
She's never in a better
mood than on Christmas Eve.
Wait, is this a good way to tell her?
We hang a stocking for "Grandma Claire,"
and when she goes, "I'm not a grandma,"
we go,
"Tell that to Haley and my's baby.
"
Promise me you won't
home school this kid.
Hey, Mom.
What are you doing?
Ugh, Christmas cards are just clutter.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You can't throw away Uncle Cam's card.
You know how sensitive he gets
about his piano placement.
Remember that one year where his card
was slightly behind the one
from our old babysitter?
Mm, I believe
he spoke the charming phrase,
"And who is this whore?"
Well, Christmas
is at Grandpa's this year,
so Cam will never see it.
Dylan:
Check out the sledding polar bear paper.
Can't look at that and not
be in a good mood, huh?
Yeah.
I am so sick of that stuff.
I ordered five rolls from
some kid for a school drive.
He shows up with fifty his fault.
Kid bursts into tears.
Like it's on me that he can't count?
- I was six, Mom.
- Mm.
Bermuda just gets it
formal yet casual.
And home of the most perfectly tanned
lower thigh,
upper knee region in the world.
Not hard to pick out a
Bermudan in a locker room.
- [Cellphone chimes]
- No.
Oh, hang on.
Wait.
Well, this can't be right.
This itinerary says
we're on four flights
with three layovers.
Oh, yeah, um
remember how I found that
amazing airline deal online?
Yeah, but two of these
layovers are six hours each.
Yes, but the third one's
only 12 minutes.
But it's at O'Hare.
Honey, we'll have to sprint
from one end of the
airport to the other.
It'll all be worth it when
we wake up on December 27th
in Bermuda,
where the forecast predicts
hot fog.
Can't we just take a direct flight?
There's no changes,
the terms were very clear.
It was part of a promotion
for a new website
called Tickets.
Plane.
[Cellphone chimes]
Oh, yeah, I have a showing
right down the street.
Okay.
Wait, hang on.
Don't leave.
Don't leave.
What is Economy Minus?
A plus, actually,
since no one's jealous of
people with aisle seats,
because it's basically two
innovative 18-person benches
facing each other.
Phil?!
What?
Nothing.
Who moved Cam's card?
He's gonna be very upset
if he's not on the mantel!
I put it in a drawer until he gets here.
That glitter was getting on everything.
I breathed some of that in.
- I cough gold now.
- [Door closes]
Gloria, you got a package from Colombia.
Must mean the government
took back the airstrip.
Those are the gifts from my cousins!
[Gasps] Beautiful!
Back home we call these
suéteres de Navidad.
So Christmas sweaters.
Put them on so we can take a picture.
Wow, these are really soft.
Damn cozy is what they are.
Oh, look,
they also sent a banana leaf wreath.
[Shouts] Banana spider!
- What?!
- What is that?!
It's a deadly spider! It will kill you!
I know what deadly means!
Well, where'd it go?
I'm wearing backless house slippers!
I think it ran over to the
He took the tree!
Am I the only one who feels kinda itchy?
- The sweaters.
- [Shouts]
Where there's one, there's many!
- Run!
- Let's go!
[Clears throat]
[Sirens blaring on TV]
Dear God, he's got the remote.
Okay, smile!
Can we go look at phones after this?
No, Lily, you are not getting
a cell phone for Christmas.
They're expensive,
and you haven't proven yourself
responsible enough to own one yet.
Uh, I was responsible enough
to come to a foreign country
and build a life with two strangers.
Okay, you used that one to get
a later bedtime, all right?
Oh, Cal, you're next.
Ho, ho, ho.
We want Cal to have a perfect Christmas.
It's tough with his mom being in prison.
Plus, his holiday season kind
of got off to a rough start.
You know, of all
of our wonderful ornament selects,
these are my fave.
Merry Christmas!
From Mitch and Cam!
Up on the rooftop, reindeer pause
Out jumps good old Santa Claus
Down through the chimney
with lots of toys
All for the little ones'
Christmas joy
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go?
Up on the housetop,
click, click, click
- He was fine.
Fine!
- He was fine.
We barely got through three verses
and a repeat chorus before
we realized our mistake.
- Although that rainstorm came out of nowhere.
- Yeah.
[Chuckles] Merry Christmas, little Cal!
Lily, take your cousin over there.
Relax a little.
Okay, go.
- Hi!
- Hi!
Hey, Santa.
So, just wondering
if you could you do us a favor
and tell us what our nephew
just asked for for Christmas?
I know you.
You're that lawyer.
Oh, no.
This is never good.
You're the ADA who charged
me with public intoxication.
Got me sentenced to fifty
hours community service
working as a mall Santa is part of it.
Okay.
Well, I'm sorry.
But can't we move past that?
We really need to know
what our nephew asked for.
He asked for a more
lenient justice system.
Well, I doubt that.
He's pretty conservative.
We have to pretend to be roommates.
Can we move this along?
I only have my kids for
four hours this week.
Merry Christmas.
- [Sighs]
- You know what? As a former mall Santa,
I vowed never to comment
on a sitting Santa,
but you're a disgrace
to the red and white.
Phil, I just got
off the phone with my dad.
We're moving Christmas Eve to our house.
I got to run out and get some groceries.
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