16. Red Alert (第10季)【完整台词】

1 [Cellphone dinging] Shh! Do you hear that? I can't find my phone.

I think it's coming from the fruit bowl.

[Dinging continues] Oh, no.

[Dinging continues] I've been doing sleep magic again.

[Dinging stops] You look like you haven't slept at all.

Maybe an hour or two a night.

I've tried everything: warm shower before bed, meditation, reading my operating system's user agreement.

Did you try asking Alex about the struggles that are unique to women in science? Late last night.

I think she's still going.

It's the worst possible timing.

I have a video shoot for a big listing today, and I'm supposed to be on camera.

I gotta go.

Dad, your keys.

[Keys clank] You know what? I'll drive.

Good luck with your interview.

Oh, you know what? I decided to pass on that.

Why? That's an amazing job, and you were so excited.

I think I was flattered.

Like when you go to a bar and a guy sends you a drink.

I'm at the leading scientific university in the country.

Those guys can't even look their robots in the eye.

I was asked to interview for CEO of Uncle Ned's Cookies, a major player in the snack food industry.

The position opened up because it turns out Uncle Ned liked to play fast and loose with his genitals at work.

Mom, you need to take that interview.

Now that they're purging male creeps from executive positions, strong women are finally getting their seat at the table.

Honey, I already have a seat at the table.

In fact, at the head of the table.

You mean when Grandpa's not there? Tables have two heads.

I'm only bringing out my trademark hard truths because I don't want you to pass up an amazing opportunity in deference to the patriarchy.

Honey, I have a lot of amazing opportunities at my current job.

And isn't Uncle Ned's basically just stoner food? We love Uncle Ned's! I miss those.

[Groans] Thank you for your concern, but I'll be fine.

Maybe I'm just projecting my own frustrations with the science world.

You know, there are only three female PhDs Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but I have to stay alert.

Lily, sweetie, open up.

We're gonna be late for school.

Lily: I'm not going! Leave me alone! - Another meltdown.

- She's locked herself in the bathroom.

Now don't you wish you'd let me build that outhouse? Still no.

Hey, hey.

W-What is going on with her? S-She's been so moody recently, screaming one minute, crying the next.

You know what? I think I know what this might be.

O-Oh? She had a volcano due in science class today, and when I was her age and had a big project, I'd get stressed out and act just like this.

You know, I still have nightmares about my War of Northern Aggression diorama.

Okay.

What did we say when we got married? Never go to bed angry and you have to call it the Civil War.

Okay, I'll go check and see how far she's gotten.

Okay, Lily, honey, come on.

Come out, all right? We can help you fix your volcano, and and you'll still make it to school.

Worst comes to worst, you'll be a little late for your first period.

[Whispering] Actually, she's a little early.

Hm? So Lily is a menstruator now.

That's not what you call it.

Well, I'm just ashamed to admit that we never really prepared her for it.

Hey, we tried that one time.

- Hey, girl.

Hey! - Hey! So, sweetie, Daddy and I were wondering if, now that you're wearing a training bra, if you had any other questions about your changing body.

Can we just not? - Sounds good.

- Yeah, perfect.

I thought you were gonna ask Claire to talk to Lily about this.

Well, I was, but when I tried, Claire was in such a mood, because, ironically Okay, we can't screw this up.

We cannot give her a complex.

[Sighs] Okay, you see if you can track down Claire.

I will go to the pharmacy and try and conquer my fear of the feminine care aisle.

[Groans] Poor Lily.

You know, it could be worse.

If she were a sheep, she'd be dealing with this every 17 days.

Promise you won't say that while I'm gone.

All right, let's try the swaddle again.

Our blankets are folded into triangles, we do a left tuck, a toe tuck, a right tuck, and voilà, baby burrito.

Ugh! How did you do yours?! I guess that summer working at Burrito Basement was worth the E.

coli.

Dylan and I have been taking a baby care class.

It's frustrating, because even though he's missed some, he's crushing it.

The class, not the practice doll.

[Clears throat] That was me.

[Sighs] Let's move on.

What else do we have to get down for today? - Burping.

- Great! - A bur-bur-burp.

Boom.

What's next? - Hold on, Mom.

Do you remember the four other methods in case over-the-shoulder doesn't work? Uh, was one scare 'em? There's over-the-lap, over-the-knee, Grandmother's burp, and the bounce burp.

Ugh.

Why do I suck at this? I know it's overwhelming, but you're gonna get there.

Don't worry.

[Burps] [Groans] Stop showing off.

Oh, good.

You're sitting down.

We have a problem.

I went on the company website, and somebody left off the brushed brass upgrade on the Executive Premiere.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I eighty-sixed that.

I already signed off on it.

They probably just wanted to double-check with me.

You know, I do have 30 years' experience.

Closet Time Magazine once called me "The Neil Armstrong of the storage space race.

" Okay, Dad, you work two days a week, and you spent the entire last staff meeting doodling a pineapple.

How about this take the helm on the Berkshire line.

I discontinued that.

Yeah, but then Jeff cornered me in the men's room, and I relaunched it.