18. Stand By Your Man (第10季)【完整台词】

1 - [Book thuds] - Mitchell: [Sighs] I'm beat.

Can you turn off the light? Yeah, just give me a second.

5 4 3 2 1.

You missed our anniversary.

[Switch clicks] Wow, that's pretty good.

[Coughs] Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

[Coughing] Ohh.

[Coughing] Ohh! [Spits] Oh.

[Screams] [Muffled screaming] Honey, the deli warned you about those peppers.

I thought they were exaggerating.

- [Sighs] - [Coughs] Wow.

Maybe they do have the world's best pastrami.

That's a lot of food.

Who's coming? Luke, Dylan, and Bill.

Gotta keep my posse in meat while we watch two top fighters battling in the pay-per-view event of the century.

That is so unlike you to watch Ultimate Fighting.

That's insane.

I love a good battle.

Boxing, MMA - Lip Sync.

- Which get brutal.

I want to be a role model to this family's next generation of men.

So, I'm hosting a fight night with, uh, Luke, Dylan, and Alex's boyfriend, Bill, where I will begin the process of inspiring them and imparting wisdom.

I figure they have to listen to me.

I pay for Luke's gas, and the other two do unspeakable things to my daughters.

So, who's the top card on the fight tonight? - I'm gonna say a Latin guy - Mm-hmm.

and a Russian.

The fight just gets my boys in the door.

What's gonna knock them out is when I wow them with all the amazing things I've lived through.

- Snooze.

- Not the way I do it.

I've updated the lyrics to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire.

" - Huh.

- It's not everyone who can rhyme "Bronco chase" with "Melrose Place.

" I still can't find any '90s thing that rhymes with "Michael Bay.

" Dr.

Dre, Ellen's gay, Y2K Don't you have someplace to be? It's boys' night, no chicks allowed.

Kid 'N Play, "Groundhog Day," Tammy Faye [Telephone rings] Hello.

Speaking.

Yes, of course I'll hold.

Gloria, it's CalShopTV.

I think they're gonna give me a slot to sell my dog beds.

CalShopTV? The Southland's premier shopping network? I watch it all the time.

And so do all my friends.

This is big time, Gloria.

People buy all sorts of crap on there.

Hey, I'll finally get to use my spray-on hair! [Sarcastically] Great, it's all coming together for you.

- [Mug thuds] - This is a long time to be on hold.

I've never been this stressed out listening to James Taylor.

[Normal voice] Hang up.

If it's good news, - they're gonna call you back.

- What do you mean "if"? It's gotta be good news, right? I mean I mean, it shouldn't take this long for a "yes" Are they calling to say "no"? Are these sons of bitches rejecting me? Like I need this cheesy, third-rate [Calmly] Yes, I'm still here.

Tonight? Of course! I'll see you then! - [Telephone beeps, thuds] - Gloria, they want me! It's the primo 10:00 p.

m.

slot Exactly when people are drunk enough to make bad decisions, but not so drunk they can't read the back of their credit cards.

You know what would be the coolest move ever? If you don't tell anyone that you're doing it.

Tell them after.

Be like, "Yeah, I was on TV, whatever.

" [Footsteps approaching] - Happy anniversary! - Oh, my gosh.

I'm I'm so sorry I forgot yesterday, um, but I love you, and I hope that this makes up for it.

Oh, thank you, you did Mitchell [Gasps] A belt buckle, I love it! Yeah, see, I thought this was a uterus, but they told me it's a longhorn.

- Yeah, a Texas longhorn.

- No, just a longhorn.

I thought you could wear it line dancing tonight.

Are you sure I can't convince you to come? You know, it's two-for-one Alabama Slammers - and Oklahoma Comas.

- You know, I'd rather stay here and have a free drink without a sad ending.

- [Door closes] - Phil: Boys' night! Unlike in high school and most of college, - by choice.

- Where's the opener? You don't need an opener.

Hand it over.

Let me show you how it used to be done.

- Oh, dear God.

- Oh.

No one tell Claire I did that.

You know my friend Corey who comes over here and broke that lamp? There is no Corey.

We'll blame it on him.

Okay.

I learned that trick on a log in the woods.

I was, uh, hanging out with my biker buddies.

We'd just pedaled out Bill: You know what happened to me in the woods once? I was bow hunting, this freak blizzard hits.

I had to literally cut open an elk, clean his guts out, climb inside for the whole night just to keep from freezing.

- Wow.

- No way.

I once found a bird's nest on the ground.

True story.

So, then what happened, Bill? Oh, be careful.

My dad tried one of those earlier and my mom said he cried.

I didn't cry.

That was sweat from my eyes.

- I mean, I'll try one.

- No, don't, Bill.

I drank all the milk! Mmm.

Missing something.

I think it needs some Tabasco.

Bill, you're the man.

Come on, hardly.

I'm not even the man here.

Oh, well, thank you, Bill.

Dylan, tell them about that life you saved at the hospital the other night.

Oh, I never thought I'd see someone with a golf club through his neck Come on, let's not make Dylan compete with bird's nest.

It's fight time, gents, courtesy of Big Daddy Dunphy! - [Remote clicks] - No need for each of you to Venmo me $19.