4. Strangers on a Treadmill (第2季)【完整台词】

Oh, my gosh, that is so freakin' funny.

- I know, right? - What? Dad just wrote another classic one.

- Oh.

- Tell her.

I don't know about classic, but here we go.

"If you're looking for a two-story house, I'm your man.

I'll tell you one story before you buy it and then another story after.

" No, you didn't.

Tonight is the SCARB.

The Southern California Annual Realtor's Banquet.

- I think they know what it is.

- Mm-hmm.

It's the mother of all residential real estate banquets.

Now, for the last five years Gil Thorpe has hosted but, as luck would have it he's having a sketchy-looking polyp removed so they've asked me to fill in.

- See what I did? - Oh, yeah.

- Fill.

You think I should open with that? - L You betcha.

You should.

Phil is gonna bomb.

It's not that he's not fun.

He is so fun.

He's just not funny.

It's probably my fault, because I laugh at all of his jokes.

With my mouth not with my eyes.

"I see the great Realtor Margaret Wilson is here looking more curvaceous than ever.

Talk about your balloon payments.

" Gloria, do we have to keep this Colombia-Brazil soccer game? Yes.

I haven't seen it yet.

It's been sitting in there for five months.

I mean, I can tell you who wins.

What about this two-hour Antiques Roadshow? I'll watch it today.

Fine.

I'm gonna play some golf.

No.

What about Mirabel's daughter's quinceañera? I honestly didn't get any of that.

Mirabel? She works for you? Okay.

Her daughter, Rosalba, is celebrating her quinceañera her 15th birthday.

I get this all the time.

I throw it on my secretary's desk, and she sends them an Omaha Steak.

- Ay, Jay.

- What? Manny's right.

The quinceañera is very important in the Latin culture.

The moment the father dances with his little princess.

Ay.

I remember my own father holding my hand.

There wasn't a dry eye in the cartel.

But these people don't want me there.

See, they're just being polite.

I'm the boss.

That's what you tell yourself so you can stay above them.

You just throw them an Obama Steak and run to the golf course.

I'm not trying to stay above them.

I just don't think I have to go all arriba, arriba with them.

- 'Cause you're better than them? - No.

Of course not.

I mean, I'm better than some of them.

Do you even know these people, Jay? Hmm? Or they're just the backs you step on? I know you like to make me out as an elitist but the truth is, I'm close with these people.

Then prove it.

Let's go to the party.

Fine.

One hour.

You drive.

'Cause I don't wanna give my valet ticket to the wrong guy, have you all over me.

Ay, Jay.

Where do you keep popping out from? So Cam has started working out again, which is It's-it's great.

He's feeling good about himself and I want him to be healthy, so it is all good.

- Except for one thing.

- Knock, knock.

Look who's there.

Maybe there's a person in this world who looks good in bike shorts but my boyfriend is not that person.

And I can't tell him because he gets incredibly sensitive about even the tiniest comment concerning his physique.

Hey, I think I'm gonna take this spin class tomorrow morning.

Oh, sure.

Oh, I get it.

Message received.

I didn't say anything! Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey .

Okay, can't you just run like a normal person? - What? It's troga.

- It's what? - You never heard of troga? - I hate it when you do that.

- What? - "You never heard of troga?" "You never tried octopus?" "You've never done this amazing thing I just discovered yesterday but I pretend like I've done my whole life?" So troga is treadmill yoga.

It's de rigueur.

It's de-dorky.

What is your deal today? I'm sorry.

Phil is hosting that thing tonight, and he's been writing jokes.

- Ooh, yikes.

- I know.

And I'm worried he's gonna humiliate himself in front of all those important people.

- I can't say anything because - No.

No.

I get it.

I get it.

- Because it would hurt him even more coming from you.

- Yeah.

I'm kinda going through something similar with Cam right now.

- Why? - He's started exercising again.

- That's good for him.

- Yeah.

He's wearing bike shorts.

That's bad for you.

And I'm the last person who could say anything because he - No.

- Okay, wait.