21. Career Day (第4季)【完整台词】

- Shh.

- I didn't say anything.

- Stop talking.

- That's talking.

- Do you think she's asleep yet? - I'm on the same side of the door as you are.

- Stop talking.

- Cam.

Lily lost her first tooth today.

And she's very excited about a visit from the tooth fairy.

When I had my first loose tooth, my mama tied one end of the string to it, and the other to the tail of a guernsey cow fired off a 12-gauge shotgun, and the cow went running out of the room.

That never happened.

Tell that to the cow-shaped hole in my bedroom wall.

Shh.

Shh.

Gotcha! What are you doing here? You're not the tooth fairy.

N-no.

But we just wanted to see if she'd come yet.

No.

She sure is taking her sweet time.

- Maybe you should just go back to sleep, sweetie - Yeah.

- 'Cause it could take a while.

- Mm-hmm.

I've got nowhere to be.

Mom, I can't be late today.

Sanjay Patel and I are dissecting a pig.

So sad what passes for a date in your life.

- Haley.

- He keeps asking me to hand him all of the instruments.

He wants me to act like a nurse.

Now it sounds like a date in Haley's life.

- Whoa.

- Okay, before you say no - No.

- You haven't even seen it yet.

Mm, I'm sticking with "no.

" It's for Luke's career day.

I thought I'd offer the kids a chance to put their face on my body.

- Ew.

- Mnh-mnh.

Ew.

I just heard it, too.

How come you guys never had a career day? - Cutbacks.

- Nor'Easter.

Today I get to talk about the love of my life Residential real estate.

He really doesn't hear it.

I wanna make Luke proud.

I wanna be his hero like my dad was when he talked to my class about running a grocery store.

He came in with two price guns in holsters and marked our teacher at $1.

29 before she knew what hit her.

I bet that produced a lot of laughs.

Claire, please.

And Olivia Berman's mom works in the rare books department at the library.

Hope I get a chance to pick that brain.

Looks like you got quite the career day lineup.

So I guess they already got a closet guy coming in, huh? No.

I didn't think you'd wanna do it.

I don't, but you know, I just feel bad for the kids.

A lot of interesting stories in the closet biz.

Oh.

Why have you never told us any? Okay.

Well, for example, there was this guy - Must have had over a hundred hats - Yes? And we had to fit them in the closet.

Okay? And we did.

All right.

Maybe it's not the most exciting career in the world, but it pays the bills.

No one is complaining.

Were there other things I'd rather do? Yes.

- But I had to make ends meet.

- What other things? Well, I always wanted to write thrillers.

- Like that hat story? - Spy thrillers.

I've been kicking around this character, CIA Agent Chuck Stone, who doesn't care how much his antics annoy the brass in Arlington.

Why didn't you ever try it? I was busy with work and family.

I was gonna start writing after my divorce, but you know life got in the way.

Why do you point at me when you say "life"? Am I "life"? - I meant you keep my busy.

- You had a 3-hour nap on Sunday.

- I was tired.

- From what? Your 2-hour nap on Saturday? Jay, I've been with you for five years, and I've never heard you mention anything about writing.

Hey.

I bought a typewriter.

A typewriter? When is your book signing? It's a hell of a character.

They taught him how to kill, but he never learned to love! - No, no, no, no, no.

Wait, wait.

- Okay.

Daddies! Daddies! The tooth fairy came.

- What? No way! - Oh, that's so exciting! What'd she bring you? Well - Oh! Fairy dust.

Nice touch.

- Ah.

- Oh, my gosh, it's a lot.

- Uh-huh.

Some stickers - Oh! - Ah! A toothbrush - Ooh! - Ooh! And a hundred dollar bill! - What? Okay.

- Wow.

Look at that.

I love the tooth fairy.

The tooth fairy gave our daughter $100.

Does she not know that the going rate for a tooth is $5 at the most? Well, obviously, the tooth fairy made a mistake.

Maybe it's 'cause the tooth fairy had a little too much chardonnay last night.

I think the tooth fairy can handle the chardonnay.

What I don't think she can handle is criticizing someone who made an honest mistake in the dark of the night.

I'm gonna put this in my clutch.

I can't wait to tell everyone at school! Okay, we cannot be the parents of a 6-year-old who gets $100 from the tooth fairy.

It's bad enough we're the parents of a 6-year-old with a clutch.

You know, that bag transitions from day to night seamlessly, and I no longer have to carry crayons in my front pocket.