3. Snip (第4季)【完整台词】

What's with all the yogurt? Shh! Durkas has been breaking into my locker.

But I've got a little revenge planned.

Sorry.

I just remembered I don't really care.

Where's mom? Oh, my God, what is that outfit? Are you going goth? You still sleep with a stuffed panda.

Don't you have a fraternity to pass out in? Is there anything else you need for your procedure? Um, I think I'm supposed to have ice cream.

Hmm.

Actually, I don't-- I'm sorry.

Is it a vasecto-you, or a vasectomy? - You can have ice cream.

- Thanks.

- Today - Snip-a-dee-doo-dah! We-we've been talking about doing this for a while.

Yeah.

Yeah, ever since dad and Gloria had their little accident, we don't need any surprises.

Also, though, it will allow for a little more freestylin' in the boudoir if we're not having to worry about adding more critters.

More importantly, it is an essential part of our 5-year plan.

Oh, the 5-year plan.

Talk about the-- the Rosses.

The Rosses-- Okay, the Rosses are this couple we have known forever, and they were never able to have kids, - so we always felt a little - Jealous of them.

- Yeah.

- I mean, we love our kids, but John and Chrissy can travel They're always tan.

Did you know that Chrissy is eight years older than me? I would have said eight years younger.

There's just this spark in her that-- Well, look who I'm talking to.

You used to have it.

- Wow.

It's like you don't hear - The point is, as long as we don't have another baby, that life is ours in five years when Luke goes off to college.

Or somewhere.

It will actually be a pleasure walking into that doctor's office today-- There you are.

Mom-- Hang on a second.

What is this? Uh-- is this because of your new friend Skylar? Oh, she's just trying to change her image.

Nice work, by the way.

You went from dork to Count Dorkula.

Can we talk about my clothes? You were supposed to send them! I'll be with you in a second.

Hang on.

I don't like this Skylar.

You don't need to change who you are to fit in with the cool kids.

Oh, of course she does.

She just is so uncool, she doesn't know who the cool kids are.

Don't you have a class to fail? Don't you have a raven to train? Listen, I have repeated outfits twice this week.

- It's a disaster.

- And I will deal with it tomorrow, but today I'm taking your father to the doctor.

- He's having an ass-ectomy.

- What? - I hear things.

- You're getting your tonsils out? Ohh! This family needs a dumbass-ectomy.

Oh, shut up! I'm tired of you thinking you're so Did dad ever tell you you were adopted? - No, I wasn't! - Five more years.

Okay.

Okay, so after school, you're going to your friend Ashley's to swim, so I'm gonna need you to go get your swimsuit, your swim goggles, and your sunscreen, okay? And change into a dress that's not covered in cat fur.

Oh, that cat is really losing its hair.

Maybe we should slip it one of your Propecia, huh? What Propecia? Your Pro-- Is that not something that we're So, uh, what you got going on today? Ohh.

Busy, busy, busy, busy.

I might buy some light bulbs, and then, if time permits, I might do a little work on my master project.

- Top secret.

- Okay.

- So don't you dare ask what it is.

- I won't.

Since Lily started kindergarten, Cam's had a lot of free time.

Now, I-I'd like to suggest he go back to work, but Historically, uh, that has proved to be a sensitive topic.

We sent those adoption papers to Vietnam last summer.

No, thank you very much, and please remember my tone, not my words.

She said it could take up to nine months to get a baby.

It's inhuman! Is it? Don't-- I-I know it's frustrating, but maybe instead of driving yourself crazy waiting for the phone to ring, you could go back to work.

Excuse me? Get a job! No, it--it'll help you take your mind off the baby.

Oh, what, because I'm a big, giant freeloader? Actually, I think I laid out the reasons pretty clearly.

No, I think you pegged me.

Bone lazy, just like on the farm-- first to bed, last to wake up in the morning.

You know what? Why don't you call my dad, and you two can gab all night about what a teet-sucking layabout I am? Okay, I think I might have paddled into some deeper waters here.

What, you think I sit around all day? Well, I'm not sitting now.

What's happening? You keep a packed suitcase? That's a healthy baby.

- Hold on.

- What? Is that a license plate and a hubcap? You know, like in "Jaws"? I never saw it.

I saw it, but I don't remember a scene with a hubcap in a pregnant woman.

Ah, forget it.

So, would you like to know if you're having a boy or a girl? - Yes.

- No.

Ay.

I want it to be a surprise, don't you, Jay? I'm having a baby at 65.

You want another surprise, Gloria? Buy yourself a box of cracker Jacks.

Estupid dry cleaners! They shrink my clothes! Might be time for maternity wear.

Are you crazy? I'm barely showing.

Sweetheart, your shirts barely fit before you were pregnant.

And I never heard you complain.

We're gonna need a bigger belt.

Come on.

This is hard.

Hey, Cam.

Who's hungry? Ohh! Were you thinking about dropping by for lunch Again? You know, I-I really wish I could, but it's, uh, it's a zoo around here.

Um but, hey, Cam-- Cam, would you mind, uh, stopping by Longinus' boutique and picking up a few shirts for me? - Sure.

- Thank you.

Or we can do it together.

- Hey! - Hey! - Hi.

- Hi.

- How are you? - Good.

Okay.

Um that's-- that's good.

Okay.

Yeah.

You didn't send the little green jacket?! Honey, I am not doing this again.

It took me an hour to mail that package before.

I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.

Stop smiling.

It's not that clever.