10. The Old Man & the Tree (第5季)【完整台词】

Oh, God! It's a little early, isn't it? Go back to sleep.

I don't need you awake for this.

Honey, it's Christmas Eve.

Are you gonna spend all day on that thing? I made a promise.

Yes! Last Christmas, Phil got an elliptical machine and vowed to walk the equivalent of our house to Canada in one year.

This body doesn't just happen, ladies.

If he didn't make it, no machine in the bedroom.

Except for this machine in the bedroom, ladies.

Who are these ladies? Oh, Phil, give it up.

Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you? Just when I'm so close to the Canadian border, I can smell the bacon and the reasonably priced medications.

Mom, this came for you from Nana.

I don't know why she bothers to wrap it every year.

It's always the same thing -- slippers.

You never know.

She might surprise you this year.

Would you care to take a visit to the museum of maternal indifference? Watch it! Oh, careful! You guys are really moving her downstairs right now? Aren't you gonna be late for work? They're not gonna fire an elf on Christmas Eve.

Ugh, I thought this would be lighter without my shoes on it.

You know, once you set up your room, you could put books on this.

Books on a shoe shelf.

Right.

- You're not gonna jump on that? - I'm just too happy! After today, there'll be no more clothes thrown everywhere, no more hour-long phone calls where all she says is "no way.

" I think it's a little sad that you guys are doing this today.

I remember when you used to get into the same bed on Christmas Eve and talk about all the presents you were gonna get.

It's a perfect day for it! When I wake up in my own room tomorrow, I'm going to be giving thanks for my independence.

And isn't that what Christmas is all about? Seriously? Nothing? This is your great-grandmother's recipe.

If she could see you now .

.

she would die again, because you're doing it wrong! My mother has been here all week.

I love her very much, but you know what they say -- house guests start to stink after three days, like dead bodies.

What the hell is that? A fiber-optic tree.

It's way better for the environment than a real one.

Not if the environment is my living room.

Look, I admit, it takes some getting used to, but so did Greek yogurt.

Now I can't even remember how the old stuff tastes.

Why do we keep changing things that don't need changing? Christmas is real trees and eggnog, Perry Como and Bing on the hi-fi.

Now you're just making up words.

I'm drawing a line in the sand.

We're gonna get a real tree, and we're gonna cut it down like I did when I was a kid.

Follow me.

Hi, dad.

Can't talk.

Saving Christmas.

Hi.

Thank you again for coming.

No problem.

I love babysitting! Good! We're going to run some quick errands.

Wait, if you're taking Joe -- Hola, Claire! Around 4:00, she gets fussy for her bottle.

Lily, do you know why I'm able to relax and read this paper today? Because you don't have a job? FYI, I am starting a new job in exactly t-- No.

We're not doing this again.

It's because I planned ahead.

I finished my Christmas shopping weeks ago.

It's important to keep busy.

I-it is perfectly normal to take some downti-- No.

No! Okay.

I printed out the directions to Pepper's party.

We're calling it "The 12 gays of Christmas" now.

Oh, just be thankful we talked him out of "Feliz navidude.

" Okay, honey, finish your breakfast so we can go help our fellow man! One hour at this charity event, max.

I can't eat.

I'm too excited to get my Puppy Pound.

I'm -- I'm sorry.

Your what? Puppy Pounds have six puppies with online profiles.

Ask your parents before using the Internet.

Honey, you never mentioned a-a-a Puppy Pound.

- What is she talking about? - I-it's not on your list.

Yes, it is.

"Puppy Pound.

" Oh, no! She put a "p" backwards.

And, honey, there's a "u" in "pound.

" - This says "guppy pond"! - Guppy pond! What is a guppy pond? It's only the -- the coolest gift ever! I want a Puppy Pound.

Um, honey, it's c-- Okay.

I am not pointing fingers, but our daughter had exactly one thing on her list, and someone didn't get it, so someone needs to go to the mall.

You're pointing fingers.

No.

It's still a "1.

" It just fell asleep on the job.

Ellipticaler's log, 12/24.

Spirits -- high.

Stamina -- strong.

Must get another application of thigh lube.

Oh, good.

Luke.

Dad, I was with you on the tightrope.

I was your wing man in the wing-eating competition.

But I'm not feeling this one.

You're missing Christmas Eve.

There's something more important than Christmas, son -- pride.

If I don't make it to Canada, your mom wins, and this baby ends up in the garage first thing in the morning.

Our garage? I'm in charge of the recycling.

I'm supposed to bring it from the garage to the curb by 6:00 A.

M.

thursday morning.

I may have missed a few weeks.

Shoot! Maybe more than a few weeks.

After a while, the pile just got so big, I couldn't bring it out the night before or people would ask questions.

I don't need people asking questions.

Then you're right! You've got to finish! You'll never use this thing in the garage! It's too drafty! That's why I'm going to Canada, buddy -- to avoid the draft! No.

Bang.

I know we've been hiking for an hour, but Worth it when you look at this beauty, huh? That's why you don't cut down the first tree you see.

This is literally the first tree we saw.