22. Message Received (第5季)【完整台词】

Oh, New Yorker, you've done it again.

- Jay, check out this cartoon.

- Does it have a talking dog? - No, it's a commentary - I'm out! Here you go, one of my best efforts.

Have at it.

Mm, I can't eat that.

- Why not? The pickle's touching it.

There.

The juice got on the bread and, ew, what's that stuff? - Spices.

- It looks like sea monkeys.

Have you ever really examined a jar of pickles, Jay? It's like a swamp in there.

I'll pass.

What happened? I made him a beautiful sandwich, and he won't eat it.

Yeah, 'cause it had pickles on it.

Joe is taking a nap.

I'm gonna go to the dry cleaners.

Well, if you're passing a Sushi restaurant -- She's not.

I've never heard of anyone not liking pickles.

Aw, big day for you, then.

I'm just gonna make myself a grilled cheese.

I think I saw some gruyere in there.

Do we have any fig? Sit down.

This whole persnickety thing is not gonna fly in the world.

Never hand people another reason to make fun of you.

You mean like all the cool kids with their leather jackets and their pickles? Well, you're gonna sit there until you at least try a pickle.

You're drunk with power.

You got that right.

- Oh, no.

- What? The Tonys are coming.

Cam, this is exactly why I don't want you watching them -- you're already so angry.

Not that Tonys -- Anthony Lamarque, Botox Tony.

They're coming to the wedding.

But, seriously, another revival of "Anything Goes"? Are we really doing this again? I'm surprised that they're coming, because when I mentioned the wedding to Tony, he seemed completely disinterested -- Oh, the Botox.

Oh, no.

Your cousin Pete, all of his kids.

Everyone's accepting, Mitchell! We haven't even gotten the list from my dad yet.

And your dad's friends drink like soldiers.

Because they were soldiers.

I mean, I am grateful for their service, but we are not gonna be able to afford this wedding.

Okay, maybe we need to pull back on a few things.

Like what? Uh, the centerpieces? Why even have a wedding? I don't know, Cam.

Because we love and respect each other and we're raising a child together? Do you want to help or not? Ooh! Maybe we could send un-vitations.

Is that a thing? We've already made a lot of people angry by just being able to get married.

Let's not alienate the ones on our side.

All right.

Maybe we could sell something.

We're thousands over budget.

It would have to be something great.

Here, you can sell my diamond ring.

Oh, honey, that's candy.

I'm gonna kill that Jackson! I do have something of value -- a "Spiderman vs.

Doctor Octopus" comic book.

Issue number 3, 1963, near-mint condition.

It's worth 5 grand.

I traded a football for it when I was 9 years old, and my dad was mad because the football was signed by Dan Marino.

I said, "get it signed by Rita Moreno, and I'll keep it.

" Oh, no.

My nephews are flying in from Tulsa -- the big ones.

The pie eaters? That's it.

I got to sell my Wyatt Earp.

This here is a belt buckle once worn by the great Wyatt Earp.

My grandpa gave it to me when I was 7 years old, and he said,"son, this will keep the bad guys away.

" In my early 20s, I wore it to a cowboys-and-indians disco party.

And let's just say it didn't.

No.

I can't let you do that.

That means the world to you.

Cam, I will sell my "Spider-man.

" Mitchell, my belt buckle was owned by a legend of the old west.

I don't think your comic book would even cover our balloon budget.

Well, that's very offens-- Wait.

What's the balloon budget? Hey, mom, can we put this stuff somewhere else? It's cluttering up my room.

What is it? Oh, just some mementos of mine.

A few of your dad's.

- Oh, Zima! - Yeah.

What's Zima? Just a party in a bottle.

Man, that reminds me of some wild times.

Cranking the Bjork in my Saturn before me and my buddies snuck some "Z" into "Sleepless in Seattle.

" I wish you'd covered my ears for that.

Ooh, mom.

Who's this hottie with his arm around you? Cute! Oh, that's Bobby Nash, my old boyfriend.

Why'd you break up with him? For dad? Let's just say he took his eye off the ball and struck out.

So I stepped up to the plate and nailed her in the cheap seats.

Yeah, let's not say that.

Well, I'm off.

Oh, honey, I've got to stop by the drug store.

Do you need anything? No, thank you, my dear.

The Dunphy glands produce all the drugs I need.

Except for, uh, foot spray.

Could you grab me some of that? Sure.

Oh, wow, mom! What a dork, right? What were you thinking? It was comfortable.

My dad didn't approve.

Enough said.

I know it's hard to believe, but I was actually a bit of a nerd back in the day.

And it was suggested that I was out of my league when I landed Claire.

By Jay, mostly.

And my friends.

A-and my parents.

And Claire.

What's this? Oh, my gosh.

That is your father's answering machine from college.