17. Closet? You'll Love It! (第6季)【完整台词】

Okay, Lily.

Ballet at 11:00, then a playdate then karate class at 3:00, so why don't you go get your uniform? - Chop-chop! - Cam.

What? She's in karate.

It's not offensive.

Debatable, but why would you schedule all this extra stuff on the same day as her talent show? Okay, are you accusing me of over scheduling our tone-deaf daughter so she's so tired she misses the talent show and doesn't humiliate herself? - Lily has no talent.

- Because she's seven.

- No one has talent at seven.

- I did.

Tons of it.

Sheepshearing, cornhusking, hay baling.

It was hard for me to pick just one to showcase at my first Little Prince Pageant.

In the end, I went with waltzing.

- You waltzed at seven? - Barely.

My partner had two left hooves.

I got it! Hey, wait.

Isn't my talent show today? Oh, who knows? But let's go ride some ponies.

No, you're right.

It is today.

And since you have a little bit of time before ballet why don't you two do a little bit of warming up? - Maestro? Come on.

- Oh.

Okay, great.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, yeah.

So, Lily, can you meet me here at C? - [Piano, C Note] - [Off-Key] C - Nope, Daddy's lonely - [Continues] I'm there with you No, you're not You're not even close This can't possibly sound the same to you Maybe I can help - Daddy is also here at - [Both] C [Off-Key] C No, that's not even a note I feel like you're doing it on purpose - That seems a little bit sharp - I'm never sharp I'm pitch-perfect I'm talking about your tone toward our daughter I can understand you even when you're singing [Stops] Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey [TV.

Announcer Talking, Crowd Cheering] What are you doing? I am gathering every Binky that is in this house because from today on Joe is going cold turkey.

Okay, Joe.

Have your last puff if you want.

- [Joe Crying] - I'm trying to watch something.

[Sighs] Okay, you can keep crying all you want.

I can't hear anything.

Try growing up in Colombia.

My Binky was a spark plug.

[Claire] Luke, how could you forget your bathing suit? You came over here to swim.

[Phil] It's all right, honey.

He can wear mine.

I'll borrow from Jay.

You have a favorite I should keep my hands off of, Jay? That ship sailed about 20 years ago.

[Phil] Ha, ha! Zinger! Save some of that charm for our commercial shoot today, Dad, huh? [TV.

Chorus] Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets You see what our competition's airing? See the lasers? Special effects? I bet they spent five million bucks on that thing.

Don't worry, Dad.

The concept I came up with is so much better.

- We're scrapping it.

- What? I worked for two months on that.

Sorry.

We got to go with what's proven.

We're remaking my old commercial.

Thirty years ago, my dad was in a local ad for Pritchett's Closets and he has always been really proud of the slogan he came up with.

I've never understood what it means.

[Man] Pritchett's Closets.

Choose one of our nine luxurious models like the Monte Carlo.

Or how about a custom design using our state of the art technology? Come visit Pritchett's and go home with the closet of your dreams.

Closet? You'll love it! [Chuckles] The entire town went nuts for that ad.

People stopped me in the street, asking me to say the slogan.

- Are you sure they weren't asking you to explain it? - What's to explain? Instead of, "Like it? You'll love it," you use the word "closet.

" - Then why not, "Like it? You'll closet!"? - That makes no sense.

Look, I know it was rough on you and Mitch having a famous dad you know, getting your picture taken in restaurants.

That happened one time, Dad, only because we were eating with Ralph Berman, Garage Door Opener King.

- Hey, he was eating with us.

- [Sighs] The point is, that ad scored for us, and it will again.

So we're gonna flush all my hard work because you got freaked out by some commercial that's not even that catchy.

[Humming] Closets, Closets All right.

Get there! Oh! Hey, if you really want to impress Beth when she gets here you should try for that giant elephant.

Oh, penguin's just as good.

[Mouths Word] - [Squeals] - Money! - I just spent a lot of money.

A lot.

- [Haley Laughs] Sorry.

I had to check in at the job.

- Always something going down at the Hut.

- Mmm.

You work at the Hut? I would guess pizza, but based on your ripply stomach I saw when you helped me get down off the gondola ride, I'm gonna guess Sunglass Hut.

Yep, Chase picked out these vintagey sunglasses that look like I could've been murdered at a cool house party in the '70s.

- Ooh, you've been framed.

- [Haley Laughs] You should use that.

- Hmm? - At your job at the Hut.

[Laughs] You said "Jabba the Hutt.

" I'm really lost here, guys.

Oh! [Inhales Sharply] - Oh! That smarts.

- Again? Yeah.

Uh, it's probably just motion sickness.

- [Ringtone] - Yeah, the motion of shoving deep-fried garbage in your mouth all day.

It's my manager again.

She's always on me.

Can't wait till the fall when she's off to college.

- Yeah, Maureen? - [Cell Phone Chimes] [Groans] Beth's not coming.

She's too tired to drive up from San Diego.

So this Beth, who I've never actually met is she one of those real-life move-around girls? Ha, ha.

You know she's a real girl.

Fine, but, you know what? She flew all the way over here for some Coast Guard training.

She can't drive a couple hours to see you? She's been saving drowning mannequins all morning.

And some of them are plus-size because a lot of people fall off cruise ships.

Okay, but doesn't it bother you that she's flaked for, like, the hundredth time? I know you have a problem with Beth but what we have works for me, okay? And if we're pointing fingers I want you to help me find my keys.

Wait.

Shh.

- They're in my jacket.

- Okay.

Got it.

[Whirring] Mom, that perv is ogling you again.

No! I was reading my horoscope.

"You will borrow a huge swimsuit today.

" What? Ay, no! The plane! The plane! It's always spying on me! Go away, or I'm gonna call the policeman! Wow.