1
Huh.
[ Light switch clicking ]
[ Flashlight clicks ]
My super-awesome family
was throwing me
a surprise early birthday party.
I'm guess
I'm the only one at home.
- Haley: How could you do this?!
- Alex: Dad!
Luke: You were supposed
to be my hero!
You let me down!
Or I forgot
to meet the electrician today
to fix our faulty junction box.
[ Flashlight clicks ]
Guys, I'm not gonna
make excuses.
I've been really busy at work.
Well, I was halfway through
straightening my hair.
And I was in the middle
of doing three weeks' worth
of laundry.
And I was actually
writing a term paper
right when the lights went out,
and what?
This isn't soda.
Okay, before you guys
say anything,
I only put this on because
I didn't have anything --
[ Laughing ]
Aah!
Well, the problem
obviously self-corrected,
which I knew it would.
Well, I fixed it.
Yeah, mom called a guy.
Oh, Claire, I'm so sorry.
I got busy at work, and --
Oh, honey,
don't even worry about it.
Mwah.
I'm just glad
the fridge is up and running.
I pre-packed
all the lunches for tomorrow.
I didn't want the Brie
on the sandwiches to get runny.
Brie?
Don't tell me any more.
I live for the surprise.
Hey, Mom, I know you're
really busy at work, but --
Sweetheart, I would never
use that as an excuse.
What do you need?
- The cupcakes for the bake sale.
- Okay.
Oh, and since we got stuck here,
I couldn't go out and get
that birthday present
for my roommate.
Or my dress
from the dry cleaners.
Done, done, and done.
[ Chuckles ]
- We have the best mom ever.
- Hugs!
Okay.
Aww.
- Wait, wait, guys.
Guys, Dad's here.
- Oh.
Dad, take a photo of us hugging Mom.
[ Gasps ]
Phil: Until now, when I'd
screw up on the home front,
I could always blame work,
but with Claire
running a company
and being a better mom
than ever,
I could feel
the kids downgrading
their whole opinion of me.
I went from an "A" dad
to an "F" dad.
Fail Dunphy.
Phil Dun-fail.
Failip Hum-fail Dun--
No, I had it before.
Say "Brie.
"
All: Brie!
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Hey, you know what?
I could do
some of that kid stuff tomorrow.
You've got that open house.
Honey, I've been juggling
work and family for 22 years
and just juggling for 30.
Well, I really need that dress
for an event, so --
I got it.
Agenda for tomorrow --
One dress,
one set of cupcakes,
one present, and that's it.
I got ya!
You thought I forgot.
I will be here to meet the alarm
company at precisely 3:40
[ Alarm blaring ]
earlier today.
[ Airplane noises blaring ]
You didn't make enough
noise last night?
With all his crying,
I didn't sleep four hours.
I didn't close my eyes.
It was like
being back in my village,
watching for the marauders.
I don't know
what's more shocking --
you standing watch,
or knowing the word "marauders.
"
Please tell me
I didn't sob all night
just 'cause I lost
my baby blanket.
Shh! Don't remind him.
He's happy now.
And besides,
you didn't even have a blanket.
We were basically destitute.
What, did you get hit
by lightning?
Thank God that
Joe has a playdate.
Vicky's picking us up.
I'm gonna make him play so hard
that he's gonna pass out
tonight.
Well, I've got a playdate
with Johnnie Walker,
so one of us
is passing out tonight.
[ Stella whines ]
Yeah, I know
we're out of dog food.
I'll pick some up after golf.
She could lose
a couple of pounds, anyways.
Thank God
you don't have a daughter.
[ Airplane noises blaring ]
The minute
that kid falls asleep,
that plane goes Amelia Earhart.
Doesn't this seem
a little chintzy?
Yeah, can we go now?
No, we haven't said hello
to the grooms --
or the talented people
who planned this wedding.
Another great Pepper Saltzman
production, guys.
Oh, please.
What's tackier
than a Friday lunch wedding?
Table five needs more
ketchup.
I have to hide my face
with a coat
every time the videographer
comes around.
In the old days,
he'd never taken
a cheap job like this,
but the gay-wedding business
is drying up.
We do the bargain ones
as Sherman Saltzman Events,
and I haven't been Sherman
since I got on that bus
in Lubbock 35 years ago.
We've only booked two others
in months --
Adam and Michael last weekend
and Felix and Jordan
next Monday.
Ugh.
Monday.
Oh, away, you vulture.
Cam, do you think
it's a little weird --
That we weren't invited
to Adam and Michael's
or Felix and Jordan's?
Yes.
Totally weird.
Okay, sweetie,
here's the kids table.
Where is our table?
There are no more tables.
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.
That's us.
Number 65.
Where are our friends?
Not here.
Are we on some sort
of gay blacklist?
I'm not sitting there.
You're sitting there.
[ Telephone rings ]
Hello.
Phil: [ Over telephone ]
Hey, honey.
Oh, cupcakes, present, dress.
I remember.
I'm gonna get on that
just as soon as I'm done
with my open house.
I just wanted to clarify,
where am I getting the present?
Uh, hang on, Phil.
I'm in the middle of something.
Um, uh, just one second.
I'm -- it's at the Best Buy.
Ask for S-Sean -- Stan.
It's under "Dunphy.
"
Thanks, honey.
I don't know how you do it all.
Love you.
That's a "T"?
They say it takes a village
to raise a family
and run a company.
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