21. Crazy Train (第7季)【完整台词】

1 Hey, thank you.

Here's an Andrew Jackson.

Make a clean set of sheets happen, I'll introduce you to his twin brother.

[ Chuckles ] You don't have to do the banter, but what's it cost me? Manny, it was a great idea to come on the train.

Rail is a last bastion of respectable travel now that every airport has become a sweat-pant convention.

We are all traveling to Portland because Jay's ex-wife, Dede, is getting remarried.

We're so happy.

For us.

It means the end of those damn alimony payments, so I'm gonna make sure Dede goes through with it.

It'll be, "I do," "I do," "I'm done.

" [ Bell dinging ] Dude, how much choice action are we gonna get on this trip? I'm managing my expectations.

Don't you know anything about trains? Chicks go crazy.

The vibrations get them all worked up.

Also, they're trapped, which is nice.

Hey.

We're just gonna go bang out this toast for Mom.

Yeah.

Shouldn't have waited till the last minute.

It'll be a nice distraction from your motion sickness.

It's good, as long as I'm not facing backwards when the train is -- Oh, God, no.

Lead me.

All right, I got it.

- There you go.

Fixed point.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, it can't be.

What? No, it's not a bald spot.

I slept on it funny last night.

No.

The guy two rows back.

- Oh, my - That's Simon Ha-- - Hastings.

- Oh, my -- You're a fan of his, too? Oh, my -- He's my favorite author.

Don't tell Mitchell, but I was so engrossed in his last book, I didn't feed Lily for a day and a half.

Wait a second.

Simon Hastings is the genius behind the Silverton mystery novels.

"Dismembers Only.

" "A Death of Fresh Air.

" The world has been waiting for the final book of the trilogy for almost, what, 10 years? I missed it so much, I took a stab at writing fan fiction.

What? I put Silverton in the harrowing world of real estate with "Open House, Closed Casket.

" [ Gasps ] Goose bumps.

- Hey! - Hey! We hate to bother you, but you are our favorite author.

Gentlemen, the words are all out there.

I just arrange them in a financially rewarding way.

[ Laughs ] - Classic Hastings.

- Droll.

Droll is what it is.

That by any chance isn't the -- the next Silverton novel, is it? You mean "Locomotive for Murder"? Crackerjack.

It's not even out yet, and I'm sad about finishing it.

Well, I hope you won't be disappointed.

Lovely to meet you.

What's your process? Are the characters just speaking through you? How important is plot? Here's an idea -- how would you two like to sit quietly and read the first chapter? - Oh - What? - my - What? - God.

- What? [ Laughs ] Rest assured.

Your treasure is in good hands.

We are also members of the artistic community.

Clown.

Magician.

[ Chuckles ] Nope.

What? We're on a train, and I'm embracing a romantic style of travel.

I get it, and I love it.

Wonderful Victorian tea hat.

Thank you.

Top-notch travel derby.

Ma'am.

See you at high tea.

He acts like someone with low "T.

" Ah.

Ugh, I forgot my magazines when I was buying gum.

Oh, it's hard to do two things at once.

[ Sighs ] You got an extra book? Well, I'm re-reading "Jane Eyre," but I've got "Anna Karenina" on deck.

What you got? "Hurricane Harriet.

" It's mostly pictures.

Sold.

Move over.

So, what's Harriet's deal? She's a ditzy girl who causes problems for everyone, but never realizes it.

Doesn't sound very realistic.

Ah, do you guys know where the bathroom is? Oh, back there.

Isn't it that way? Doesn't matter.

[ Indistinct conversations ] First-class ticket, please.

I just came looking for the bathroom.

My ticket is in my seat.

Do you have any idea how many times a day I hear that? Just go back where you came from.

Go back where I came from? [ Chuckling ] Okay.

I see how it is.

[ Shouting in Spanish ] So, Harriet just sent those people right into a bear cave? She never knows what she's doing.

[ Laughs ] What an idiot.

Excuse me.

You mind if I sit here? Uh, no.

[ Chuckles ] You have a beautiful smile.

Thanks.

[ Chuckles ] They make fun of you for wearing your headgear, but, hey, look at me now.

[ Both laugh ] Tickets? Oh, yeah.

Uh, honey, do you have my ticket? No.

I'm pretty sure I gave you my ticket, babe.

Sorry, babe.

Back to coach.

I forgive you.

[ Chuckles ] Come find me.

[ Door opens ] [ Gloria shouting in Spanish ] "Mom has always been a free spirit.

" "She has also helped to free a lot of spirits from bottles 'cause the woman's a boozehound!" Hello! Yeah, I'm not gonna put that in.

Uh, how about this one? "The secret to her chocolate chip cookies was a dash of salt --" "And two scoops of crazy because the lady's imbalanced.