11. Sarge & Pea (第8季)【完整台词】

1 Can I have that dropped at the gift table for you? Ah, I think I'll hang onto this.

This is a special gift.

It's a wine fridge 36 bottles, stainless steel, dual temp zones for your whites, your reds.

She doesn't care.

Okay.

And neither did the priest.

Father O'GodHe'sHot.

- I know.

Those lips, right? - Hey, hey, hey.

- Is that appropriate? - Appropriate? You never carried us around as proudly as you're carrying around that thing.

30 years ago, I didn't do your Aunt Becky's closets for free.

The whole family got together and decided I was cheap called me "High Pockets.

" Well, we'll see what her boy Brian says when he opens what Esquire Magazine called "the last under-counter wine fridge you'll ever need.

" Wow.

- (both laugh) - High Pockets.

Can we just find the bar? How funny would it be if I said no? (laughs) Mother of us.

Mom! What is she doing here? She's not even related to these people! Oh, my God.

You, me, Mom, Dad, alone.

Without Gloria to absorb the hate.

Okay, why am I scared? I'm feeling scared.

Because you are flashing back to every family event that ended with Dad whisper-screaming at Mom, "Would you calm down?" while she would swing her pocketbook around until it burst open like a pill-packed piñata.

Oh, God.

I-I don't want to be the make-a-scene family.

Again.

Well, Dad's not leaving until they award him CNN Hero for bringing the wine fridge, so maybe we just each take a parent and try and keep them apart as much as possible? Probably our best shot at an uneventful day.

But can we please not fight over who has to care of (as Mitchell) Mom! - Mitchell! - Hey! - (chuckling) Hi.

- Oh it's so good to see you, honey.

Mm! Hey.

I got us a campus map, and look at this my old college frat has a chapter here! By legacy rights, I'm entitled to use the main-floor bathroom and sign out a Frisbee.

Cool.

Wow, you're really giving those bands a workout.

Oh, just burning off some nervous energy.

They don't ask questions on a college tour, right? Luke and I, Gloria, and Manny are going on a college tour! Safety school for Manny, long shot for Luke, which hasn't been great for his self-esteem.

Luckily, as a former cheerleader, I haven't lost my gift for lifting spirits.

Though I can no longer make an N with my body.

Wow.

This is a great workout.

Ow! No! Sorry, sorry! Guys, come look! I did something very bad.

(whimpering) (laughs) (whispering) Manny is taking a nap, (normal voice) so I put a pig-a-let in the bed! - (stifles laugh) - Oh, my God.

Where'd you get that? You remember those farmers that we met? (giggles) You'll be surprised what they'll do for a couple of big tips.

(whispering) What did you hear? (pig snorting) Aah! Whoa! What is that?! It's a pig-a-let! Man, you should see your face! Ohh, it licked my face! Why would you do this? Aye, Manny, don't be so uptight! I'm preparing you for college so that you fit in and make some friends.

I took the idea from watching "The Animal House," "The Old School" movie College is about higher education, not pranks.

Nerd! - There she is! - Hey, lady.

Yeah, I can't give you free stuff.

- Let's go.

- Okay, take care.

Okay.

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Oh, my gosh.

- What? What? What? - It's her.

- Who? The blonde over there in the cute jacket and fab shoes.

If that's who I think it is, we hate her so hard.

Last night, I was robbed.

That's right.

There I was at Lily's dance recital, breathlessly anticipating my baby's first-ever ballet solo.

Okay, here it comes.

This moment is worth every cent of the $2,000 in lessons.

What? Oh, my oh, my gosh.

I can't see.

Didn't they say no filming? Excuse me.

Miss? (gasps) Did you just see that? That horrid woman robbed me of my proud daddy moment and forced me to lie to my daughter.

"You danced beautifully, Lily!" But did she? I have no idea! Why didn't you smack her down last night? With words, obviously.

- Wait, can gays smack women? - No.

No! You know what, I would have cussed her out last night, except the selfish hag left the moment her daughter's dance was over.

I hope there's no rule in here about causing a commotion.

I mean, we didn't really feel the need to put it up on a sign because, you know, civilization.

Well, I answer to a higher law.

Hey! Get back here! You don't even know it's her.

You're basing this off of the back of the head of someone you saw in the dark.

That may be how you recognize your old boyfriends, but Excuse me.

As much as I admire that and do intend on using it on Mitchell without giving you any credit, there is a line.

So, Mom, I didn't know that you would be, uh, be here.

Oh, well, I wasn't planning on it I haven't seen these people since the divorce - Yeah.

- But then my new hubby had to work, and I thought "Write a new story, DeDe.

" - Yeah! - (both chuckle) So, are you here alone, or? You look great! This dress is beautiful! Oh, thank you.

I found it in the trunk of a car I bought.

- (cellphone chimes) - Oh.

One second, Mom.

Oh, this is Cam texting.

Uh The picture of the back of someone's head and the words, "Is this her?" No idea what you are talking about.

Kissy face.

Oh! Excuse me.

Can we get a pic? - Honey! - Oh.

- (chuckles) - Dad, that's sweet.

Really? If we get separated, there's a record.

Oh, God.

- Hey, don't be mad.

- Are you kidding? She vanished, okay? - Those shoes she makes are soundless.

- Oh, god.

- Oh, there you are! - Oh! Mwah! - Okay.

- Oh, well, if it isn't my first family.

What a surprise, huh? Yeah! I guess Brian invited me because of that summer we took him in.

Remember when I caught you trying on Brian's underpants? No, what even Mom! - Oh, is it just the four of us? - Yeah! Yes, and where are you sitting, Mom? I can walk you back to your table.

In a minute.

I'd like to visit a little.

I don't even know anyone at my table.

- Well, Gloria's not here.

- Oh, thank you, Jay.

Here.