15. Finding Fizbo (第8季)【完整台词】

1 [Doorbell rings] - Hey, Cam.

- Louise, what are you doing here? You're not dropping out of the league championship tonight, are you? Louise is dropping out of the league championship? Did you shoot yourself in the leg again? Oh, my God, we're one win away from my first sports trophy, and then this happens.

All I said was "Hey, Cam.

" So, this year, I invited Mitchell to join my gay bowling team the Britney Spares.

I came up with the team name, I designed the shirts.

It's not important who gets the credit.

When we first stated, my bowling was, um well, it was iffy.

But then I practiced and I practiced until the shoe-rental guy called me "decent.

" I'm not here as a teammate.

- I'm here on official police business.

- What? Please tell me that is not you.

Man: What is that? - [Gasps] - [People scream] - Oh, no.

- [Children screaming] Oh.

Oh.

[Screams] Cameron: No, no, no.

- Hmm.

- That's Fizbo - Mm-hmm.

- with a scary mask.

- That's clearly not me.

- It's not him.

[Voice breaking] No! Who would do that? Who would take something so beautiful and turn it into something so ugly? How did the guy get the costume? Oh, who knows? [Normal voice] Your father gave it to charity.

By accident.

How did I not hear that fight? Was I in town? All right, then, uh, case closed.

I'll see you guys tonight.

What? No "case closed.

" We haven't even found the perp! Look, the only reason I was following up on this is 'cause I thought it might be you.

Well, yeah, but we have to get my costume back.

We have to restore Fizbo's good name.

Oh, but we're we're still gonna go bowling, right? Wow.

You give away my beloved alter ego, and you won't even allow me 30 seconds to have an emotional reaction? Yeah.

No, it sounded fast as I was saying it.

And now for the finishing touch.

Franks for Frank! Dad's bachelor party's gonna be epic.

You couldn't see it.

That's why Boom! Chicken wraps, white wine, fudge.

Is this a bachelor party or a party where ladies sit around watching "The Bachelor"? And why did you get me a triple-XL? The lady said it'd shrink in the wash.

- How's it gonna do in the trash? - Jay.

Kidding.

I'll use it to wash my car.

My dad is marrying my old babysitter Lorraine, who has a son, which means that I am finally getting a brother! When I was young, I wanted a brother so much, my folks got me bunk beds.

At night, I'd pretend he was up there and talk to him, and when he didn't answer back, I always just figured, "Well, Marty's in a mood again.

" [Rhythmic knock on door] Excuse me.

Do you serve crabs here? We serve anyone.

Jokes only get old because they're good, right? [Both laugh] Nailed it.

Phil, this is Ray.

Wow.

I guess we're gonna be brothers.

Bring it in.

- Ah.

Oh! - Oh! No.

Oh! What's happening? We're brothers! Isn't this what brothers do? I don't know, but I love it! Whoa! This guy totally tried to touch my ding-dong.

- Oh.

- [Laughs] I didn't know it was that kind of party.

I guess you didn't see the white wine and fudge.

White wine? That's not gonna get me there.

- [Door opens] - Am I the only one who sees me choking that guy out tonight? I don't know.

I got a good feeling about Ray, and I-I felt a lot of him.

He's just a little wound up from the drive.

I'm sure you'll find he's a real solid citizen.

[Laughs] The sap across the hall left his door open.

[Laughs] - That's my room! Oh.

So, I guess you'll need these.

[Pills rattle] Before we start, thanks for agreeing to do this read through of my latest play, "A Withering Farewell Under a Harvest Moon" - So catch - colon, "The Tears of Angels.

" - So catchy! - Right? It's a story of four women who come together to mourn the loss of the family patriarch.

Oh, no.

So sad, so very sad.

Pace yourself, crazy.

We haven't even started.

A man died, Claire.

A fake man, and if he was a patriarch, he was a fake old man, and old men die.

Claire: Surely, this is a thought that has occurred to you from time to time, huh? Please don't make me part of this.

Manny: Anyway, when it's over, feel free to share your thoughts what you liked, what you loved, but also the negatives what went over your head, any words you didn't know.

I'm submitting my latest play to a young playwrights festival, but I want to hear it out loud first to be sure I've hit all my emotional marks.

One might ask, "Why all female characters?" Let's just say, write what you know.

[Clicks tongue] Wait.

To clarify, I understand women.

I don't feel like I am one.

110 pages? What time are we supposed to get out of here? Oh, honey, you got a hot date tonight? Mom, don't be mean.

Ignore her.

I actually am in a relationship, but I've been hiding it from everybody because I have once again chosen somebody that is completely inappropriate.

It's this older guy Ben.

He works for my mother, and he lives with his mother.

I'm like a moth to a flame if the flame is an underachieving man-child with a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on his butt.

Sorry, this is going to take longer than I expected.

- Can you wait there? - Sure.

My mom's got her poker girls over, anyway.

This one lady, Karen, she gets real handsy with me.

[Chuckles] She's not un-hot, either.

She's like an older, curvy Emily Blunt but Indian.

Don't try to make me jealous, Ben.

One of my regulars at the coffee shop is always asking if I want to do some motorboating.

If I didn't get seasick, I'd go.

Now, okay, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but does the trophy have each of our names, or is it just the team name, 'cause I kind want one of my own, but You know what? No, never mind.

I'll just get it engraved.

Okay, how can you be thinking about bowling at a time like this? You mean as we're going in to our bowling championship? [Cellphone chimes] Oh.

Text message.

- [Console beeps] - Read text message.

[Beep] Female voice: You have a message from Martin.

"I keep picturing you guys "holding the trophy later tonight.

"Just kidding.