- Accidents do happen.
And I am holding
a little piglet.
[ Chuckles ]
I forgive you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a turkey to deep fry.
Here.
Hold Connor.
No, I [mutters] Okay.
I married the sweetest,
most understanding man
on the planet.
Or he did something
even worse to you
and wants to get you
in a good mood.
[ Scoffs ] No.
Yes!
Hey!
You don't have to
cover your face.
I don't care what Coach Cam
says about mono.
You're way too pretty.
Oh, no.
[ Laughs ]
I mean, listen, I'm flattered,
but even though you are
so, so tall [chuckles]
you are in high school
and I'm
Very beautiful.
[ Laughs ]
Well
I was going to say,
"in college," but thanks.
[ Laughs ]
Stop it, oh, my God!
Ugh! Dad is killing me.
He's trying to guilt trip me
out of going to Cabo.
When is he gonna let me
live my own life?
Maybe when you stop living
out of his basement
and eating all of his food.
You're right.
I am a victim.
I should get this tiny mouthwash
for Haley.
It's the abandon-your-family
travel size.
Oh, dear God.
I know -- Corn Nuts,
two-for-one sale.
I feel like God's giving me
the middle finger.
No.
That's my wife's
divorce lawyer.
I can't believe it.
That bastard was my ex's lawyer.
- Are you kidding me?
- Whoa.
I bet he's here to buy
some extra-small condoms,
the kind that they keep
behind the counter.
Shut up.
I keep having this dream
that he's dying of thirst
in the desert,
and I hit him with my car.
- I thought you were over it.
- I thought I was.
Let's get out of here
before my cuff explodes.
Yeah, he already ruined
my family.
I don't want him to ruin
my Thanksgiving too.
No.
We're not going anywhere.
It's time someone stood up
to the weasels who sweep
into our lives,
break up our families,
and take our loved ones to Cabo.
I feel like you're making this
about you, but you're right.
Do you know when my high
blood pressure started?
When I met that guy.
Is this when someone's supposed
to say, "Get him!"
- No.
- You hold him down.
I'm gonna beat him
with this orthopedic shoe.
Come here!
Let's not lock into
our -- our first idea.
I love you, Mr.
Goat!
Aw, you see, Joe?
You listen to Mommy, and now
you have a new best friend.
[ Goat bleats ]
What?
[ Goat bleats ]
You're cold?
I'll go get you a blanket!
[ Laughter ]
Well, if he was going to get
the pig a blanket,
you know what that
would be called.
Pig in a blanket?
Okay, I teed that one up
for you.
All right,
it's time to fry this turkey.
Somebody please lower
my splatter goggles, boys?
You heard him.
You do it.
You're not the president
of goggle lowering.
I would be if they took a vote.
What could Cam have done?
[ Gasps ]
Maybe he's the one
who's having an affair.
I saw a list of clues
in a magazine.
Has he joined a gym or bought
sexy new underwear recently?
I think it's sweet
that you think
we're capable of having an
affair, but we're just so tired.
All right now, boys,
the key is you drop it
nice and gentle like.
Mono! [ Screams ]
[ Goat bleats ]
Runaway goat!
[ Goat bleats ]
Ay!
Aw, you wanted to run
to the barn!
Aw!
Let me put a positive spin
on this.
Who here likes goat?
Hello, you son of a bitch.
Hope you like that deodorant,
'cause you stink!
Wart remover --
Well, if that works,
there'll be nothing left.
Well, well, well.
Norbert and Pritchett.
Jay, I don't think
I ever got a chance
to thank you for buying me
my first Ferrari.
I wish you drove it off a cliff.
Like the one my house is on,
which you also paid for,
thank you?
[ Chortles ]
This doesn't sound like
we're getting him.
Look, you want some
free legal advice, fellas?
Three words --
Ladies.
Leave.
Losers.
No, sir, we have three words
for you.
Have you no sh--
Have you --
Have no -- have you no shame --
It can be four words.
Who's this chuckle-head?
Someone who you're never
gonna know,
'cause I'm happily married
most of the time.
Aw, that's what they all say.
Then one day your wife wakes up
and says, "Oh, my God!
I married a moron!"
She calls me, and I'm like,
"Hello, Mrs.
Chuckle--"
[ Basket thuds ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Device beeping ]
Yeah, that's about right.
He might have had
a heart attack.
We probably ought
to do something.
Oh, I saw some champagne
back there.
It's the guy on the ground!
Oh! Take the defibrillator,
I'll call 911.
Guys, help me out.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I watch a lot of
"Grey's Anatomy,"
but I fast-forward through
the non-romantic scenes.
No no no, we're not
gonna save him!
Jerry, no, Jerry.
Jay, get him off me!
Look at his basket.
Wasn't much of a life.
[ Electricity surges ]
Ohh!
Ah, hell, I'm gonna regret this.
[ Groans ]
I'm feeling better, Pritchett.
I think it was just gas.
Better safe than sorry.
[ Defibrillator powers up ]
Aah!
Oh, I deserve some of the blame.
I made my farmscape
too inviting.
Okay.
This is a mess.
What are we gonna do now?
Alex, how many goats have to die
until you get a handle
on your insatiable appetite
for high-school boys?
Actually, i-it's my fault.
Ooh, Dwight.
We're good-looking guys.
We don't apologize for it.
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