12. Dear Beloved Family (第9季)【完整台词】

Phil, thank you so much for helping, especially after Jay was so rude to you last night.

I wanted to start a new family tradition.

In a way, I succeeded.

We now have Phil Un-appreciation Day.

- Hear ye, hear ye! - Nope.

I hereby declare the opening of the first annual Dunphy Games.

- Hard pass.

- Tests of strength, games of chance with the champion receiving the coveted Dunphy chalice and this gift card to Yogurtland.

Phil, it's not going to happen.

Your dissent has been noted, town elder, but perhaps those who've seen fewer winters should cast a vote.

[CHATTER] Who dares accept the challenge of a noodle-joust? No sale, Dad.

Oh, well.

Nice try, Son.

I'll probably just drive back to Florida, then.

Great to see you guys.

I just thought with everyone growing up, a new tradition might give us another excuse to get together every year.

Oh, baby, we can get together today for Joe's soccer-team party.

We have superheroes coming.

We have the Superman, the X-Men.

That's what Jay called my dad and me.

Ex-men.

Ohh! That hurts! - Why, what happened? - Oh, it's nothing.

It's probably just my stilter's hip flaring up.

No, it's not.

Oh, you don't look that good.

Do you have a fever? I don't know.

I can't tell.

Ay, no, you're burning up! Hi, I ordered your Ultra-Soft Gel-Heel Socks, and they are both marked "L.

" And "L" is for "L" is for large.

Hilarious.

I'm thinking I've been wearing two left socks.

- I am adorable.

- [PHONE BEEPS] - Can you hang on a second? - [PHONE BEEPS] - CLAIRE: Hello? - Claire, everything is okay, but I am taking Phil to the hospital.

- He's dead! - I was just resting my eyes! - Oh, God! What happened?! - It's okay, honey.

I just have a little bit of stomach pain.

Hang in there, sweetie.

I'll I'm I'm I'm coming.

I'll be I'll be I'll be there.

[CELLPHONE RINGS] Really, Schwartzy? Calling me while I'm putting? It's bush-league moves like that why your wife left you, why we still play poker and never invite you, why we Oh, it's Gloria.

Jay, pick up Joe and meet me at the hospital! What happened? Is it Stella?! No, it's Phil! Wait a minute, I'm I'm getting another call.

- Dad - JAY: I heard.

Okay, Haley and Luke are working at the club.

Can you grab them and meet me at the hospital? Sure thing.

Sorry, guys.

Emergency, I gotta take the cart.

- What?! - The clubhouse is 50 yards away.

Walk the first 25, make camp, and then tackle the rest in the morning.

Forget about Joe, I'll have Mitch and Cam bring him.

Phil, how's the pain? On a scale of one to Bo Derek! 10.

Got it.

Boy, they did not get that score wrong, huh? [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] - Good.

- Yeah.

Okay, it's good, but is it wow? We're inviting eight people over for brunch with an invitation that reads, "Friends, Romans, Hungreymen" they're gonna say wow.

- [CELLPHONE RINGS] - Hey, Gloria.

I am taking Phil to the hospital! What? They're taking Phil to the hospital.

It's just a stomach issue.

Please pick up Joe at soccer and meet us over there.

Of course.

Oh, but what about Lily? [LYRE TWANGS] What is that? A harp? No! Dios mí­o, no! The angels are coming down.

You cannot have him yet! [CELLPHONE RINGS, BEEPS] Hello? Haley, would you mind picking up Lily from City Kidz gym? I don't have a car.

Alex said she's on a date, but she can grab Lily.

Oh, crap.

We don't have time for this valet stuff.

I'm going rogue.

Luke, this thing's not fast enough.

Grab a nine-iron, try to hook a bumper.

Aah! Hey, Uncle Mitchell, I'm kinda busy right now.

He is? I'm on my way.

[CAT MEOWS] Sorry, boys, gotta cut it short today.

Hurry, hurry! Take him! [GROANS] If Phil dies, would Claire get a new husband? Okay, he's not gonna die, bud.

But to answer your question, yes, probably.

You have to move on with life.

Wow.

Wait for us.

Comin' in hot! Comin' in hot! [TIRES SCREECH] You're just gonna park that right there? I did the closets for head of surgery here.

I'm untouchable.

Phil, honey, how are you? - Oh, back in the hospital.

- Oh.

But better because of Elsie and her friend IV.

Oh.

If it's okay, I invited IV to come live with us.

Uh-huh.

Well, I brought you something that's gonna make you feel so much better.

Oh, Surgery Bear.

Our first year dating, we went to a carnival.

At the milk-can toss, there was a bear that Claire really liked.

I spent all night trying to win it, but I just couldn't.

Came back the next night and the carnival had left town.

So, I drove to Fresno, failed again.

Sacramento, no dice.

Six weeks later, in Carson City, Nevada, it happened.

Yeah.

When I handed it to her and saw the smile on her face, I proposed to her on the spot.

[LAUGHS, SNORTS] Anyhoo, it's come with me to every visit in the hospital since for good luck.

And I was so worried about forgetting it that guess what I did? Remembered it? Well, I brought you your nice, comfy neck pillow, and I'm gonna run right home and get you Surgery Bear, okay? - Okay.

- Okay.

- Dad! - Hi.

Oh, honey.

- Yeah? - Just in case, I made one of my goodbye videos for you and the kids.

I posted it in the usual spot.