14. Spanks for the Memories (第9季)【完整台词】

1 - [CELLPHONE RINGS] - Hey, Phil.

PHIL: Jay, where are you? What are you doing? - I'm just walking into my house.

- Stop! Don't you take another step! What the hell are you talking about? Claire just told me your Valentine's plans for Gloria.

You're walking into a buzz saw! [TIRES SCREECHING] Get in.

- [ENGINE TURNS OFF] - [SIGHS] What am I looking at here? - Nothing.

- Oh, it's a role-playing thing we do on Valentine's.

It bumps the lovemaking up a notch.

- Phil, why? - Gloria is mad at you.

If you walk in there with some lame gift, she will bite your head right off, mister.

Well, you worried for nothing.

I bought her a nice cookie, and the biggest Mylar balloon they sold at the grocery store.

Wake up, man! You're losing her! - When did you talk to Gloria? - This afternoon.

I'm just taking Claire up to the overlook on Mulholland for a little old-school make-out sesh.

Oh, Phil.

You're so good at Valentine things unlike some ungrateful, selfish men - that don't appreciate women! - [GLASS SHATTERS] You need to step it up tonight.

How? By dressing up in costumes like weirdos? It's not weird, Dad.

It's fun.

Yeah.

Tonight, we get to be 17 again, when we were just a couple of innocent, - wide-eyed virgins.

- [CHUCKLES] [HUSHED] Shut up.

I'm not doing it.

Today, when Gloria found out what we were doing, she said, [AS GLORIA] "Damn it, Phil.

You are so good at Valentine's.

I wish Jay was as sexy as you.

" She never said that.

[NORMAL VOICE] I'm paraphrasing.

[NORMAL VOICE] Okay, call Gloria, tell her to meet you at a hotel bar, and then you show up as some romantic character.

- Who would I be? - Anybody.

Think of the most exotic person you can.

General Eisenhower, the father of the American freeway.

You're gonna want to think a little sexier than that.

You have not seen the right photos.

What are you doing? I thought he was taking you out to dinner.

I'm pre-eating so I don't look like a pig.

Oh, please tell me you don't eat on dates.

Who's the lucky guy? Oh, this professor from Alex's college.

Normally, I wouldn't go out with a guy like that, but there's something about him.

"Something about him"? He's a genius.

He's one of the most respected minds on campus, who also happens to look like the protagonist from a Jane Austen novel.

He's totally out of your league.

Oh, well, now you're being crazy.

Are you into him or something? No! I'm just genuinely concerned you're going to embarrass yourself or me.

At least look up the difference between astrology and astronomy.

Okay, alls I know is, is that you're being a real Capricorn right now.

The sun revolves around the Earth, and not you.

I cannot believe we got into this restaurant.

I know.

Oh, you know what? Let's take a picture and use Facebook the way it was intended.

Oh, to find out how racist our high-school friends are? No, to make people in our lives feel worse about their lives.

- [BOTH LAUGH] - Hey! HOSTESS: Gentlemen.

Your table's being set up right now.

Okay.

- Oh, my G No.

- What? - Th-That's Luke.

- No.

We ca - No, we can't sit next to - We can't sit there.

I'm s Can we have a Can we have a different table? - I'm sorry, not tonight.

- Um If you guys don't want it, I have 10 other people who do.

Okay.

You know what? Tonight was supposed to be a romantic night.

- [SIGHS] - I-I don't want to watch him make his sweaty moves on his conquest of the week.

And some of them buy it.

Under what gas leak is he finding these brain-dead bimbos? And have you heard how mean he's gotten? The other day, he called us "catty.

" - He called us catty? - Yeah.

You sure he wasn't talking about the dead cat on his head - he calls a haircut? - [WHEEZING] Oh, my Hey, guys! - Hi! - Hey, Luke! What a coincidence.

I think it's nice that we're helping out Dad and Gloria tonight.

I know.

I'm just a little bummed that we're stuck here, watching Joe, when we could be messing around in a Trans Am.

Or did we just take it up a notch, huh? I'm the foxy babysitter.

The kid's asleep.

You are the foxy bad boy who sneaks over with some wine coolers Oh, radical.

Now that I'm six, I like girls, but I love two girls The Little Mermaid and Claire.

[JOE CLEARS THROAT] Oh.

Joe.

W-What are you doing up? Hello, Claire.

I made this for you.

Oh, my goodness.

Look, it's a Valentine.

It's two love bugs.

Aww.

Two love bugs.

Three's a crowd.

Hmm.

[YAWNS] Hey, how can I help you? I am Gigi DeLaroca, businesswoman.

Life has tried to break me, but it has only teach me.

So, you want a drink? [SPANISH ACCENT] The lady will have Campari and soda.

Hello, sir.

I have never had that drink.

Well, no one "Camparis" to you.

[LAUGHS] Very clever.

I am Gigi DeLaroca, businesswoman.

I am Raoul Matadore.

I own this hotel.

May I? Of course, Mr.

Matadore.

Like Andy Garcia in "Ocean's Eleven.

" [HUSHED] I don't think you have to explain.

Right.

Um, you talk.

No, I mean, um Thank you.