15. Spanks for the Memories (第9季)【完整台词】

1 - Daddy.

- What are you doing up? I can't sleep.

Wait.

You eat while I'm in bed? Is there a meal I don't know about? A couple.

But you need to hit the hay, buddy.

I need you sawin' logs until 0700.

I don't know what any of that means.

Gloria and I are going through a romantic dry spell.

Luckily, she's out tonight with her friend, Rebecca, who is married to a jackass.

Gloria always comes home ready to show her appreciation.

Suddenly, me going to bed with socks on is not such a deal-breaker.

- Aw, geez.

- [DOOR OPENS] GLORIA: I'm home! Hey, Jay.

JAY: How's Rebecca? She's never been better.

So, she left her husband like a month ago, and it's like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

Speaking of shoulders, are you ready for one of my famous massages? No, I'm good.

[RINGTONE PLAYS] It's her.

Hello? [GASPS] The waiter? I knew he was flirting with you! Don't forget about that clod she married! You got one of the good guys! [CHUCKLES] And he didn't have to write down our order, so you know that he won't forget your birthday.

- [CLATTER] - Ay! [GROANS] Joe leaves all his toys on the floor.

I tell him to pick them up, but he doesn't listen.

I'm telling you, it's a disaster in the bedroom.

I don't know what to do.

It's like he can't remember where things go.

Eventually, I get so frustrated that I take care of it myself.

Spanking? Well, yeah, I guess we could try that.

Actually, now that you mention it, Javier and I tried it a long time ago.

It was a game-changer.

Ay.

Rebecca is doing so well.

Sounds like she's having fun.

Navy used to make us watch films about girls like that.

Well, her husband never really gave her what she needed.

Did she tell him? No.

But sometimes it's more exciting to be with someone that already knows what you want without you telling them.

Got it.

Ay! Hey! Wh-What the hell was that?! Nothing! You know what? I think I forgot to lock the front door.

- There he is.

- Oh, now, don't get mad.

I know I said I was only getting tulips for the party, but I splurged and I got orchids.

I I wanted the party to be special, too.

And in my defense, I didn't know about the orchids.

I got a piano.

Really, where? I recently got a pretty fancy job working for billionaire Michael Quinly.

- It's kind of a big deal.

- It is a big deal.

Now, admittedly, throwing a party to celebrate your own reversal of fortune could be seen as braggy.

Sort of a rags-to-bitches story, if you will.

Then again, for a while now, when I've been telling my friends that I was struggling, they'd give me "that look" the one that's mostly sympathetic with just a touch of enjoying my pain.

So, today, I get the other look the one that's mostly "I'm so happy for you" with just a hint of "I am wracked with jealousy.

" It'll be good to see the old gang again.

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.

Hey, you.

What's going on? You, uh you texting a boy? Just figuring out my summer plans.

I remember the summer of my junior year.

I followed N.

W.

A.

on tour Nebraskans With Accordions.

This was before Polka Pete was brutally murdered, of course.

Yeah, this is a little different.

I'm actually up for an internship researching the minimal supersymmetric standard model at M.

I.

T.

Cool.

Beantown.

I don't know why I'm getting all girly and excited about it.

It's not like I'm gonna get it anyways.

What's with the quitter talk? If you want my advice No, I don't, but thanks.

What is all this junk? Fruit Roll-ups, chips, chocolate milk? Ugh.

Th-There's nothing in the fridge.

I'm packing you a lunch.

I've always heard there comes a time in life when the kid starts parenting the parents.

I thought it would be when I was in my 40s.

But I'm pretty mature for my age, and my dad claps when he gets waffle fries.

What are you even still doing home? Don't you usually open your magic shop by now? Yeah.

I'm just going in a little late.

Doesn't sound good for business.

And I saw you sneak those carrots out of your lunch.

I'm trying to avoid one of the other shop owners.

Kind of an intimidating character.

It started with a dispute over a parking space and escalated from there.

Hey we don't avoid bullies in this family.

We stand up to them.

Off you go.

I don't think you realize what kind of person I'm up against.

Yesterday, all my dribble glasses were replaced with real ones.

It was humiliating.

So, Long', we have a lot to catch up on.

- What's up? - Not my weight.

The Tom Brady diet changed the way I see the world.

Food, not food, super-food, poison.

Oh, well, okay, that covers you.

I was going to ask about you, but, you know, I'm always nervous about the answer.

Well, you know what? Let's roll the dice.

- So, it turns out that I - Hey, Mitch.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Where's Cam? Hey.