20. Mother! (第9季)【完整台词】

1 Daddies will miss you both so much! Have the best time! - Bye, honey.

- Ohh.

We're alone! We're alone! We're alone! We're alone! There's a box out here marked fruit of the month.

I'm assuming that means one of you won a contest.

So, Pam's moving back home after living in our upstairs unit for like three years.

Uh, okay, it's been a year and nine days, and she chopped us all that wood.

Plus, she's taking Lily back to see my parents.

It's birthing season so she gets to name her first pig.

Oh, and then we slaughter it on her 13th birthday.

There's prayers and dancing.

It's not unlike your standard bar mitzvah.

Except a lot more pork and a lot less Jews.

Anyway, we're excited to have the house to ourselves again.

BOTH: Naked breakfast, naked breakfast [KNOCKING] Just ignore it.

Making sausages and grits, barely coverin' our bits Cookin' a frittata while wearin' nada [DOOR OPENS] I knew you two would keep the side door unlocked.

What would you do if I were a deranged psychopath? I'd probably start with, "Hi, Mom, what are you doing here?" Jerry and I had a terrible row! Ohh.

Well, put on some pants so we can hug.

- Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Back to back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why didn't we just back out? I don't know, but we're already committed to this.

LUKE: Okay, last run.

PHIL: And then we clean up or your mom will be mad.

And go! -[LAUGHS] - Nice job.

Keep her steady.

- Okay.

- Got this.

- Oh! - No! - Oh, no.

- Oh, no! I recently sat for my Pritchett's Closets presidential portrait.

It's a dumb tradition my dad started, but I kind of love the way mine turned out.

At least it's more understated than his.

The colors are muted and I am not wearing a sash and service revolver.

We're dead.

We never should have played with Where is the drone? Did you turn it off? I was asleep.

Wow, this place looks dynamite.

I wanted to give Manny a nice premiere for his movie.

He's been in such a dry spell creatively.

That modern dance recital was like Ugh, I couldn't even look at that leotard.

Okay, yeah, he's a terrible dancer, but you don't have to use that word.

For my film class, I wrote and directed a short.

I felt the horror genre was the best way to grapple with the struggles of our time.

When Manny first came to me with the project You read a script I left out and you elbowed your way in.

Semantics.

I was gonna be the silent money.

But it turns out I've got some natural storytelling talent, so I took on a more creative role.

In spite of that, I got my first "A.

" Our first "A.

" MITCHELL: I can't deal with my mother's marriage drama right now.

Nobody gets the love-lorn back on their feet and out the door faster than we do.

We'll just trot out our our trusty "heartbreak kit.

" Is that in the closet next to the earthquake kit? And the Eartha Kitt.

Did you put those all in the same place just to delight me? - I did.

- Aww.

So, you have wine, a self-help book, a-a pillow shaped like the platonic ideal of a male torso for cuddling and/or punching And a DVD we made for you called the "Donna Summer Olympics.

" [LAUGHS] It's a compilation of all the sexiest male athletes accompanied by the high queen of disco.

Oh, you boys.

So sensitive to a woman's needs.

Unlike Jerry.

Did I tell you that his mother is living with us? Yeah, no discussion.

She just shows up with her birds.

Well, you know, Mom, relationships take sacrifice.

I mean, when Cam's sister Pam moved in, it w it was hard on me.

I-I was constantly worried about the lost money on the upstairs rental and You know, Mitchell, maybe we shouldn't discuss money.

It can be a bit unseemly.

I wasn't planning on being unseemly, a word I've never heard you use before.

I-I'm simply saying how stressful having a long-term house guest can be and - Oh.

- Oh, sweetie, yeah, take a breath.

Oh, my Oh, my Oh, my God.

No.

No.

You used to do this when I was young.

Did you get this move from my mother? Mitchell, there is no reason for this uns um, high-temper Unseemly! You were gonna say "unseemly"! Unseemly! You stole that word from her.

Okay, okay, okay.

W-What's going on here? Are you two, um friends? Yes.

We talk on the phone, e-mail, exchange recipes.

Oh.

Oh, is she the reason we've been eating so much quinoa? - It's a super-food.

- It's a super-food.

Okay, okay.

Can I talk to you for a second? Come on.

Okay, no reason to lie about it, 'cause I already know.

How long have you been involved with this woman? Can I ask a question? Is there a chance you're just kind of making this all about Mitchell? [GASPS] That's her.

Your mouth is moving, but that is her talking.

Okay, don't you see what's happening? She's manipulating you to manipulate me.

Don't you think I'm smart enough to know if I'm being used? I also have a mom.

You're out of your league here, bumpkin! Okay, this is a city mother! Wow.

What happened to the seemly man I married? You can't use it like that.

Okay, how's it looking? Not bad.

Who would've thought Mom and Teddy Roosevelt were identical front-teeth twins? Okay, just give me a quick minute to dry the glue.

Oh, can you throw that shirt on a hanger for me, actually? I need to look sharp for Manny's premiere tonight.

I play the Sheriff, which is ironic because I steal every scene I'm in.

Dad, no! It's melting! ZZ Top! I've ruined your mother.

Wait a second.

Today's your mom's monthly spa day.

I'm not following.

Afterwards, th-there's a brief window when she's at her most relaxed and understanding.

It's the best time to give her bad news.

I was gonna tell her about the $500 I wired to that stranded British guy on the phone, but this seems more important.

Hi.