7. Winner Winner Turkey Dinner (第9季)【完整台词】

- - Does everyone have a glass? I'm just giving my thanksgiving toast.

Oh, come on, Dad, isn't it weird that every year you single out one person who somehow made you extra proud this year? - Makes the rest of us feel like - It's you, Claire.

Yeah! I knew it! And you, Phil, and you, Mitchell.

Actually, it's all of you.

I know I get a hard time for stirring up competition in the family, but look at the results.

Phil scoring with his new magic shop.

Cam winning the big game.

Claire winning the race.

And Mitchell scaring away that burglar.

And you are a winner, too, Jay.

He wanted to spend more time with Joe, so he's dropping him off and picking him up from school every day.

Dad, what is wrong with her? I challenged her to get to 100,000 steps in a week.

-That's easy.

-That's so easy.

Without shopping.

- Oh.

- I get I get the challenge.

She's 1,000 steps from glory.

Like the rest of you, she was motivated by my stingy praise.

As I look around the room, I see nothing but winners, and I couldn't be prouder.

To us! Everyone here is a winner.

- - Oh, you knew I was nervous about the big game, so you set out my Okay.

Sprinkles are for heroes.

Here, Daddy.

Thank you for protecting us.

We're all so proud of Mitchell about what happened the other day.

What I was thinking was, we could [GASPS] - Oh, my gosh! - Was there a break-in? Yeah, yeah.

It was It was crazy.

I just started yelling at him, and I guess I scared him away, so Oh, my gosh, sweetie.

Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

- You're so brave.

- Oh, honey.

So proud.

If the robber comes back when Brave Daddy isn't here, - we can use these.

- Okay, no, no, no, no.

I had to confiscate those at school.

They're very dangerous, and, plus, you should avoid the cliché.

Confiscating contraband is part of my new job at school.

I was recently promoted to [CHUCKLES] acting vice principal.

Which has nothing to do with acting.

That was made very clear to me.

Hey.

Hey.

Y-You seem a little nervous.

Are you Are you worried about the big game? Yeah.

I'm a little nervous.

The Rattlesnakes have beat us the last six years, and we cannot lose.

Is any of this because their coach is a woman? I mean, shouldn't we be rooting for her, because Oh, what, because she's another straight person coaching football? - Well, good luck.

- Thank you, sweetie.

You know, I can't promise that I'll make you as proud as your daddy who fought off a burglar, but I will try.

You know, there's murmurs that the booster club is gonna divert some of our money to the science program because that's what made the Kennedys cool, you know, playing science on the lawn.

Ow! The first person who figures out how to stick these numbers right on is gonna be rich.

You could just pin it to your shirt before you put it on.

Have you shared this idea with anyone else? When Alex was a baby, I used to throw her in a jogging stroller, and she was my running buddy.

This week, when she found out I was doing a 10K, she insisted on coming.

Snore.

I'm using my mom as a subject for my stupid psych paper because I started too late to sign out a monkey.

It's about positive versus negative reinforcement.

First half of the race "You can do it, Mom!" Second half "It's not your day, lady!" Thankfully, after it's done, I'll still be able to give out the banana I bought.

[GLORIA]: Thank you so much for taking care of Joe.

I still have to get some things from the store for dinner.

- It's no problem.

- [CHUCKLES] I got a lot of knowledge to pass on.

You been practicing your burping drills? [BURPS] [BURPING] Yes! - Better.

- Okay, enough chitchat.

Give me the V.

I.

P.

pass for the sale.

Everybody's heard of the H.

Bronfman Clothiers Black Friday sale where the hoi polloi fight over tuxedos like animals.

But on Thanksgiving Day, a select few are invited to get first crack.

If I get everything I want, that tux will be 80% off in Tammy Bosworth's dorm room.

Black gold.

I got it as a tip from some club members who had me "deal" with some geese.

You will not taint this experience.

GLORIA: [GASPS] Claire, why do you have that number? Are you in a pageant? She's running a 10K.

And she is going to do great.

[SIGHS] I know that you're gonna make us oh-so proud! Obviously, this was meant to be a group hug, and my invitation got lost in the mail.

Phil that crazy phone booth that you ordered for your magic trick It's already at my house.

It's here two days early?! I can shoot my how-to video today! Haley! Showtime! It goes without saying that the greatest trick to come out of World War II is the Normandy Phone Booth.

Over the years, its reputation has ebbed and flowed.

It was famously booed at the 1969 Narragansett Magic Festival.

Of course, this is a time when most people are into protest magic.

So naturally, they would thumb their nose at a classic trick where a heroic soldier dashes into a phone booth to make a world-saving call while it slowly fills with water! Come on, hippies! God! All right, buddy.

Run outside and play real quick.

I'm gonna take care of something upstairs.

I had to update my profile pic on this new social-media app called Inseam.

It's super cool.

No one knows about it.

Some old guys were using it for home tailoring, but then two Brooklyn DJs started sharing a couple of videos on it, and it blew up.

Not approachable.

Too approachable.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] - There's my guy.

- [CELLPHONE RINGS] - What's up? Dude, I was just about to leave, and I saw your new pic popped up on Inseam.

You're on Inseam? Yes, I've been on it for a week.

Okay, look at your picture.

Joe is in a tree behind you.

Whoa! Aah! Aah.