Oh, my God, he's right there!
Hang on, Joe!
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- Hello?
- What's going on with Joe?
- You're on Inseam?
Of course I'm on Inseam.
Is my son hanging from a tree?
Oh, that's great!
You fell for it.
I'm, uh I'm getting
pretty good at Photoshop.
That's a fake picture?
Yeah, I got a bunch of Joe
doing dangerous stuff.
You're gonna have to show me
this later, okay?
Will do.
- [SIGHS]
- Well, thanks to you,
now I'm all sweaty,
and it's gonna be impossible
to judge the silk shirts.
They're supposed to blouse, not cling.
Hey, can I see that card for a second?
- What are you doing?
- I'll put this card back in your hand
when you Photoshop that kid's
head in an alligator's mouth.
[ANNOUNCER]:
Upper Valley on the 2-yard line
with 10 seconds to go.
A touchdown will win the game.
Okay, timeout! Timeout!
Let's go, Dolphins!
Coach, what is our defense?
Okay, you know what?
It's a running situation,
but they've been killing us
with that pass all day.
My gut tells me they're
gonna pass, but [STAMMERS]
Okay, just let me think about it.
Move.
Move!
- [STATIC]
- [COACH]: Those dumb bastards
are going to be thinking pass,
which is why we're going to run.
Trap Two, on the left side.
[CAMERON]:
My vice principal walkie-talkie
accidentally picked up
that Upper Valley coach
calling her dumb lady play.
Now, was I gonna change my defense?
Only some spineless
win-at-all-costs glory hound
would choose winning
over showing some moral fiber.
[ANNOUNCER]: Dolphins win! Dolphins win!
Yes!
[TEAM WHOOPING]
[TEAM CHEERING]
-
- [JAY]: Everybody in that stadium,
including me, was expecting a pass.
But your instincts
told you something else.
- That's big-time, my friend.
- Well, I-I-I appreciate it, Jay.
Uh, thank you.
[WHISPERING] Mitchell!
I'm a fraud.
Well, then stop telling that barista
that you understudied Javert
on Broadway.
He knows your name.
He can look it up.
No, I overheard the lady coach
call her play on my walkie-talkie,
and I changed my defense
to win the game.
And now I'm having anxiety,
and I have to confess.
No, you you are not gonna confess.
You're gonna smush
that anxiety into a little ball,
and you're gonna push it
into that little, tiny hole
in your soul where childhood traumas go.
Everybody here is a winner.
If you end up being
the one loser at the table,
I'm gonna get nothing but
condescending pity from everybody.
Especially Claire,
that insufferable phony.
- Mm.
- [WHISPERING] Hey, so pretty!
Luke!
Oh, hey Gloria.
Sure love those bangs.
What's the story with those?
I know you have been avoiding me
because there are no
Photoshopped pictures of Joe in danger.
And the the answer to your
question is very simple
They frame my face.
Oh, those pictures.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
Here we are.
- Ah.
Joe poking a bees' nest.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, and Joe killing Lee Harvey Oswald.
So cute.
Jay, Luke is a genius.
Thanks, buddy.
You can go do your fancy shopping now.
Awesome.
To make up for the time I lost,
I'm gonna baby oil my heels
so I can try on shoes faster.
Phil, did you see this Photoshop
stuff that Luke did?
He's a real magician.
I guess he came by it honestly.
[LAUGHS]
That means the world to me, Jay.
I'm living a lie.
Claire, everyone in this family's
a winner except for me.
Abraka-failure.
Ready to fill this thing up?
-
- Um, yeah.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
The The whole reason we're here
is to use the pool water,
which is recyclable.
I'm sort of a hero in
the sustainable magic movement.
I'd hate to lose
my three green rabbits rating.
Okay.
Should we start filming?
For sure.
Yeah.
For sure.
I-I-I think I'll I'll probably just
take a quick minute.
As a young man,
I had no fear of any trick
where I was jammed into tight spaces
Fox in a Box, The Wrong
Shepherd, Einstein's Birdbath.
Lately, though, I have had
a touch of claustrophobia,
which is usually cleared up
by a quick call
to my super-supportive wife.
Oh, you finally picked up.
No, no, it's not an emergency.
I just Hello? Claire?
Just give me the word, Dad.
Oh.
Yep.
Uh
Let's
Let's do this.
Great.
Ready?
- Yeah.
- Andaction.
Hello, and congratulations
on your purchase
of the Normandy Phone Booth.
The following will demonstrate
just how much fun you've dialed up.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Here we are on D-Day.
Where's the damned air support?
Oh, good.
A p phone booth.
I hear the Nazis
have booby-trapped these,
but I will
I definitely will take the risk
of calling Allied Command.
Hello, General.
Yes, the enemy is all around us.
Blast! [BREATHING RAPIDLY]
This is [GASPING] one
of the phone booths
that's booby-trapped.
Oh, no!
[WHIMPERS] Yes, General,
the enemy is closing in!
There's no esca
Haley! Get me out of here!
- Who's Haley? I'm Nurse Rutherford.
- [SCREAMS]
If I can't do this trick, my magic shop
is gonna be the laughingstock
of the mini-mall.
And there's still a Blockbuster there.
Honey, I know you're
going through something,
but you need to keep it to yourself,
because we will not be
the loser family this year.
- [JAY]: Claire.
- Yeah?
I had a genius idea.
Your race went right
by Pritchett's Closets.
- Uh-huh.
- Pull the security tape.
We'll blow up a frame of you
in the lead and run a big ad
"Pritchett's.
Leading
the Pack for 30 Years.
"
- Genius!
- I love it, Dad! Yes!
I am on that!
[LAUGHING] Wow.
We have problem.
I had a problem.
-
- [RINGTONE PLAYS]
H-H Hello?
Hel [SIGHS] Damn it.
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