- [BABY COOS]
- Do you want a toy?
Little tough love.
Long overdo, if you ask me.
But it's gonna be good for you, sweetie.
- [BABY CRYING]
- He's crying.
Well, that's what babies do.
You just got to pick it up,
and you got to soothe it.
- All right, then.
Okay.
- It's okay.
- It worked.
- Good.
Just keep it up for
the rest of the afternoon.
Wait! I don't know
what I'm supposed to do!
Well, welcome to being a parent.
[CAMERA BEEPS]
Survival vlog number two.
UmI descended into the water
attempting to retrieve my gear.
- I encountered slippery rocks
- [INSECT BUZZING]
a cold, brisk current,
and although I have
no photographic evidence of it,
a sea serpent.
My ensuing thrashing
stunned a passing trout.
I then foraged
some wild blueberries and honey
from what turned out to be
a not [CHUCKLES]
altogether abandoned hive.
Just goes to show you
I don't need all that fancy equipment.
Phil Dunphy can survive
in the wild, even
[ANIMAL ROARING IN DISTANCE]
Ha! Ha!
That sounded big, didn't it?
Good thing I smell like
berries, honey, and raw fish,
so I'm basically all three courses
of a bear's favorite meal!
[BEAR GROWLING IN DISTANCE]
- [HORN HONKS]
- [CHUCKLES] That's right.
- Watch them scatter.
- [RINGING]
- PHIL: Hello?
- Oh, hi, honey!
I've been out of cell range
for most of the day.
I just wanted to check in,
see how you're doing.
Oh.
Great, great.
The air, the, uh the trees
Moss only grows on
the north side of trees, right?
I feel like I might be
walking in circles.
Is there something called, uh,
fool's moss?
I don't know.
You sound out of breath.
Is everything okay?
No, Claire, I'm worried that a bear
or even a family of bears is hunting me.
Of course I'm okay.
I've only been out here
for a couple hours.
Uh, uh, what kind of man
do you think I am?
Well, it sounds like
we're both having an adventure.
I just got on a scale,
and guess how much I weigh.
5 tons!
Yeah, well, we all put on a few
around the holidays.
Mwah! Let me call you back
a little later.
Meanwhile, uh, I am sending you a pic
of me enjoying nature
at my last known location
in my very identifiable
red Gore-Tex jacket.
Anyhoo, leave a check out
for the gardener,
and you gave my life meaning.
[CAN RATTLING]
[BABY GIGGLING]
You're a giggly one, aren't ya?
Oh, I miss that sound.
- [RINGTONE PLAYS]
- Hi.
Can I look?
Hey, Lily, how's it going?
I'm trying my best,
but I don't really know what I'm doing.
Well, better to make
your mistakes on this one.
- You know?
- [CHIME DINGS]
Oh, hold on one second.
Oh, someone's sending me
a video of daddy.
- CAMERON: [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hey!
- No, not the Weasel.
Okay.
Honey, I got to call
you back, all right?
Wait!
God, he must be so humiliated.
You know he's a doll.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's sweet.
Thank you.
- [HORN HONKS]
- CAMERON: Mitchell.
- Cam.
- Hey, hey, hey!
I saw that video that's going around.
I am so sorry.
Oh, doesn't bother me.
Good! Good, 'cause it shouldn't,
you know?
You're just trying to make a difference.
If those kids don't appreciate that,
that is their loss.
- Yeah.
And
- Mm-hmm.
- it's part of a big sting operation.
- What?
So, I shouldn't be telling you this,
but Shane, the guy who shot the video,
is actually an undercover cop.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and he did the video
to sort of, like, humiliate me
to get some street cred.
And there's a big drug deal
going on tonight,
but he wants me to steer clear.
Is anyone else aware of
Shane's "21 Jump Street" double life?
Well, he's not gonna
broadcast it out loud for everyone.
But you did get some paperwork
or identification?
Okay.
You know what?
I think it's hilarious that
the person you don't trust is a hero,
who's helping fight the Dexomorphone
problem that's plaguing
- I'm sorry.
What?
- The street name is "Dum-Dums,"
and Shane says
there's literally Dum-Dums everywhere.
Okay.
So, Shane
not a 16-year-old drug dealer
who enjoys humiliating you
but a baby-faced police officer,
has deputized you,
and your first assignment
is to stay as far away as possible
from a huge "Dum-Dum" deal
that's about to go down?
Cam, I mean, come
I love how trusting you are,
but when you start missing things
that are that obvious,
then, well, you know,
I don't have to say anything more.
You know, I can finish up here
if you want to go upstairs.
Nah, nah, I'm fine.
You know, um
Mom really surprised me before.
This is the first time
she's treating me like an adult.
And Karen's great.
I mean, It's nice to be
with a mature woman,
someone with experience.
So you two haven't slept together, huh?
She suggested we come here.
I said fine.
You don't know how relieved I was
you guys were home.
But then Mom was so cool with it.
I mean, where's the crazy Colombian
the one time I need her?
This is dry.
But you like Karen, right?
A lot, but, I mean
bad enough she's older than I am,
she's also a movement professor.
I swear to God, before today,
I'd never heard those two words
together.
Now it's all I hear.
Look
it's normal to be nervous.
Don't do anything you're not ready for.
Talk to her about what you're feeling.
You'll be surprised
how much easier things get
after one honest conversation.
Thanks, Jay.
One down, one to go.
Joe?! You ready to talk?
JOE: For oatmeal raisin?
Don't waste my time.
- Is this stuff any good?
- It better be.
I laid out half
my bar mitzvah bonds to get it.
Sick movie of Coach Tucker,
by the way.
[LAUGHTER]
Glad you enjoyed the film, boys.
Now you can be in one of your own!
- What the hell are you doing?!
- My job.
I guess I really am a vice principal.
A Miami vice principal
No, I guess it doesn't really
need the "Miami," does it.
I can't believe this.
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