I think you're right, Stacy.
The ocean would be a lot deeper without all those sponges.
What is that noise? It is driving me crazy! A-ha! Nice try, Ferb.
But you can't psych me out with your dead on celebrity impressions.
All right, what is this? Table tennis.
Ping pong, for the layman.
Yeah, yeah, but is it like laser-activated, nuclear powered, supersonic ping pong? No.
Good idea though.
Ping pong, huh? I bet.
I'll just stay right here until the inevitable weirdness happens.
Any minute now.
All right, so where's Perry? Monogram to Agent P.
Already airborne, I see.
I like that! Doofenshmirtz has recently purchased an inordinate number of chairs.
Hundreds of them! Far more than necessary for a person with no friends, and only one tooshie.
Well, actually I'mâ I'm just sort of assuming about the tooshie.
But I'm pretty confident in the no friends thing.
You think it'd be the other way around, but the way he's always playing with forbidden science, you can never really be Oh, this is coming out kinda weird, huh.
Look, you're going over there anyway, justâ Just take a look, okay? Monogram out.
Psst! Perry the Platypus, over here.
Hurry! Hurry, it'sâ The show's about to start! Ladies and gentlemen! Someone in our studio audience has a date with history! So come on up, because this is your backstory, Heinz Doofenshmirtz! Me? It's me! It's me, Perry the Platypus! Let's give him a big round of applause! Tonight, we explore the life of a true evil genius.
And find out just what makes him thick.
But how? I'm glad you asked! With the help of our exciting but potentially lethal memory extraction technology, all of your most deeply suppressed memories will appear right on this screen! It's like a TV clip show fueled by your own brain.
Now, let's start our trip down memory strasse on the day of your birth! In beautiful Gimmelshtump, Drusselstein! I don't really remember much about it, I was pretty young at the time, butâ Ooh! Ooh, I can feel it tingling! Something's coming out! Aww, how cute! But where's Mom? She didn't, uh show up for the birth.
Remember this voice? When they are born, we slap their bottoms to start them breathing.
Here he is, all the way from Gimmelshtump Memorial Hospital, Dr.
Mortimer Shlussel.
Dr.
Shlussel, so good toâ Hey! He is breathing.
And I'm sure you can guess who this next voice belongs to.
Heinz, my little hobbengusher.
Aw, when she says hobbengusher like that, it's easy to forget that it meansâ It's your mother! Mama! Hobbengusher.
Yeah, that's the way you normally say it.
Why?! Yes.
Your relationship with your mother left something to be desired.
Why?! Why!? But, what about Dad? Well, yeah, you know, thoâ Those were hard times.
The stress of running a family weighed heavily on him.
We were so poor that one day our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed.
Who would protect our zatzenfruit garden from witches' spells and wood trolls? From a tender age, my father decided that it would be me.
Bewegen sie nicht! While the other children played Kick-the-Schtumpel and eat doonkelberries, I would stand for hours.
Bewegen sie nicht! All through the cold night as the spitzenhound howled, my only companion was the moon and my neighbor, Kenny.
Bewegen sie nicht! What a fascinating life.
We'll keep track of the level of emotional pain each backstory causes, on this colorful Gnome-o-Meter! As shown by Vanna, our Gnome-o-Meter spokesmodel.
Looks like our gnome has begun his climb! Scale those heights, you bearded, Scandinavian cutie! Perform a segue back to rights of passage! Smooth, Norm.
Thank you! Don't break the rhythm, sir.
And let me tell you, transitioning to adulthood was painful, but, actually, I guess, a good indicator of things to come.
In Gimmelshtump, jumping from the high dive was an important rite of passage.
Are you a man or a schnitzel?! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! Das kind ist ein schnitzel! After that, my father and I became increasingly distant.
Zu nah! Whatever, I-I'm so over it.
Bewegen sie nicht! And there's another voice you might recognize.
What exactly am I here for again? Roger! It's you brother, Roger Doofenshmirtz, beloved Mayor of Danville.
Everybody loves him.
All right, all right, enough with the cheering! This is my show, not his! Can I help it if Mommy liked me best? Look at all those burbling memory bubbles.
Tell us all about it, Dr.
D! For a time, I was happy.
It was a short time, it was right there.
It was a short time, it was right there.
It was like five seconds when I was pushing the thing back and forth on the rug.
And soon I learned my parents were expecting a brand new baby girl.
My mother spent months knitting pretty dresses.
U-Unfortunately, the baby turned out to be a boy, and because we were out of material, I was forced to wear those same dresses for an entire year! Drawing mockery and scorn from all of my manly classmates.
I wanted to gain my mother's affection somehow, so I went to the claw machine district in hopes of winning her a gift.
Fortunately, I had with me my allowance, which I'd been saving for a whole year.
One three-cent coin.
I dropped it into a slot, then carefully maneuvered the claw toward the beckoning fuzzy grail! Odds were against me, but then it happened! The miracle! The claw grabbed the stuffed animal, it was mine! Then, like a knight of yore, I gallantly gave the prize to my beloved mother who immediately turned around and gave it to my brother, Roger.
I was crushed as I watched Roger produce a big red marker and write his name on the toy.
And then afterwards proceed to do the same to my mother, claiming both as his own, and effectively shutting me out of the family dynamic.
You know, Heinz, there's more than one way to a mother's heart.
Kickball.
My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kickâ Well, I'll just let the song tell you.
(Song: Couldn't Kick My Way Into Her Heart) My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kickball And my brother was an expert from the start But I lacked finesse, so when put to the test I couldn't kick my way right into her heart Ladies and gentlemen, Love Händel! Oh, yeah! Wait a second.
You had Love Händel play your flashback? I know people.
Really? No, not really, I told them it was for you.
Hm-mm.
Well, I've got a city to govern.
Don't let your ego hit you on the way out! Although your family life was tough, your social life was How should we say, a soul-shattering void.
A painful, but accurate choice of words, Norm.
At the age of five, I was forced to throw my own surprise party.
Hello, boys andâ Oh.
Hmm Awkward.
Ten seconds later, they confiscated the cake.
Apparently there's a two-person minimum.
Ooh! That stings! Do you recall a young lad named Boris? Oh, sure.
Big Black Boots Boris the Bully.
He was always kicking sand in my face.
When I was in the sandbox sand.
When I was in the sandbox sand.
My first date sand! My first date sand! Balancing my checkbook sand! Balancing my checkbook sand! The beach Oddly enough, nothing.
But I couldn't relax, because I kept waiting for it.
Well, Boris owns a car dealership now, and declined to appear on this show.
But he did send some sand! Well, at least he cared enough to do that.
You did have one friend Balloony! When I was a boy, the smell of pork emanating from me was so bad because ofâ W-Well, the reason's unimportant, it was part of a different emotionally-scarring backstory.
I'm not getting intoâ Regardless, the smell of pork was so bad that no one would come near me.
So one day, the carnival came to town and I needed money because ofâ W-Well, yet another backstory thatâ Basically, my parents disowned me, I was being raised by ocelots.
The point is, I had to get a job at the carnival, but the only work was at the dunking booth, and not as the guy who got dunked though, I-I was what they threw to dunk him, w-which is again, a whole other backstoryâ Okay, lookâ Long backstory short, I got a balloon at the carnival, I drew a face on him, I sprayed him with special lifelong-lasting spray I created, and I named him, "Balloony.
" He became my best friend in the whole world.
Yadda yadda yadda.
Then one tragic day, when I was protecting our garden as a lawn gnome, Balloony started floating away.
And then I didn't see him for a long time, it wasn't 'til Well, there was this whole thing with an alien ship, it was really improbable.
Well, here he is! Oh, Balloony, I-I've missed you so muâ BALLOONY! Ha-ha-ha! We're just having fun with you! That wasn't the real Balloony! It wasn't? No, of course not! The real Balloony popped three weeks ago! BALLOONY!!! And uncomfortable transition back to the Gnome-o-Meter! Wow, that backstory really had some juice.
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所属电视剧:Phineas and Ferb
61. This Is Your Backstory (15 min) 全部台词 (一共 3 页)
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