I'm raising five kids, and I didn't miss last week.
What's your excuse? Shut the fuck up! I need you to get a will notarized.
- Will? - Aunt ginger's.
- A will's no good without a death certificate.
- Yeah, we're gonna need a body too.
- A real live body? - Not live.
- I'm here to file a will, please.
- Ginger gallagher.
Second one today.
Supersedes yours.
- Who the hell filed it? Cousin patrick.
Both: Are you out of your fucking mind? - Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation.
Okay, let's get this going.
shh, knock it off, mama.
- How many more times are we gonna have to do this? - Until we complete the mission.
- You guys look like you could use some help.
You can go home.
- You know what? Have her stick around.
I got to hit the alibi in ten minutes anyway.
- I'm good to stay.
- Please just go home To your own fucking house for once.
- You mind if I make one of these out to cash? Nothing big, just some walking around money.
- Joint bank account is for immigration only.
- Have a heart.
I'm tapped.
- Mom.
- Oh! Where is he, my baby? - He's where he belongs for now, And you're back where you belong.
- Now, if I allow you to retain your parental rights, Would you consent to your daughter becoming guardian? Works for me.
- Would you agree to be the guardian of these children? Yes, I do.
- think of all the luck you got know that it's not for naught you were beaming once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? round up the friends you got know that they're not for naught you were willing once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? - Thank you all for coming out in honor of aunt ginger.
"g.
G.
" as I called her.
You know, when the guy at the funeral place Handed me her ashes, I thought, What the hell do I do with these? Put 'em in a vase on my mantle? Or scatter them at the park or the lake? Then I thought, no, I know where she was happiest.
On this corner, her corner, Where she turned tricks in her 20s and 30s.
And 60s! - She did magic tricks? - No, no, no, son.
"turning tricks" is a euphemism for prostitution.
In her day, your great aunt was a legendary pole smoker.
Could unlock her jaw like a burmese python.
We are at her funeral.
- You know, some think gallaghers Don't have a work ethic, But ginger worked this corner rain, sleet, snow, Her old knees hitting that hard pavement Again and again.
Bertie giddelman is the only one that's outlasted her.
- Look, you all knew ginger, so I ain't gonna sugarcoat it.
She was a mean old bitch.
But even a mean old bitch deserves a send-off.
Hear, hear.
So this is us, ginger, Sending you off, Right where you belong.
It's touching.
I'm tearing up.
Okay, kids, let's go.
Patrick.
So ginger had a will that we didn't know about, And you just had it sitting in a drawer? Yep.
- And even though she hated your guts, She left our house to you? It was never your house.
It's weird, you know, How she signed the will only a year ago, You know, her being an invalid and all.
Signed and notarized.
- I don't remember you coming by with a lawyer.
- I gotta get back to my family.
- Six kids with nowhere else to go.
- Why don't we talk about this When the sting of losing ginger has worn off, hmm? Tomorrow, maybe? - You want to tell them or should I? V, your mom's here.
Ooh.
You look really nice, carol.
- Thank you, honey.
- You do look nice.
Where'd you get that dress? - Madison's.
And those shoes.
You doing something at church later? I'm ovulating again.
Ovulating? No, it's not until next week.
I got the calendar.
- High body temperature, sore breasts, Increased cervical mucus.
We believe you, mama.
- Well, if you all want to try again, We have a four-day window.
- Guess no need to waste an opportunity, right, baby? - What, you wanna do this right now? Like, right now? Well, I can come back.
No, no need.
I'm like a stud bull.
You open the barn door, slap me on the ass.
You know, I mean, when I say, "open the barn door," I don't mean your, um-- Uh, do you guys want a drink? I'll get three glasses.
- Are you sure you just want to jump into this? You don't want a minute to think? - Waiting isn't gonna make it easier.
- All right, I'm gonna block everything out, And I'm just gonna picture your beautiful face.
- I picture denzel washington.
- Oh, for real? - When I open my eyes a little and I see it's a white guy, Eh, then I go with johnny depp.
Oh? - You appreciate the irony, right? Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom, Refusing to allow me to stay.
Now, nobody gets to stay.
- Why is frank here again? - There's a small chance he'll be able to help Since he's known patrick longer than any of us.
- Patrick wants to steal our house? - He's a contractor.
He's gonna flip it.
Slap a coat of paint on it, Call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war," And offload it to yuppies.
Not gonna happen.
So let's go over our options.
- I'll write them down.
- All right, look, we know the will is bullshit.
It was signed a year ago, And ginger's been dead for what, 10? More like 15.
- Option one: Prove will is a forgery.
- We can't call the cops because we faked ginger's death And forged a will of our own.
- Plus frank's been cashing ginger's social security checks.
- Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty? - What we could do, we could argue That ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it.
I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.
- Option two: Say ginger was crazy.
- Or convince patrick to back off somehow.
- Yeah, that's three.
- Good luck with that! His nickname used to be pit bull.
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