1
l would like to leave this city
This old town
don't smell too pretty, and
l can feel the warning signs
Running around my mind
So what do you say
You can't give me the dreams
that are mine anay
You're ham the world away
Ham the world away
Hamthe world away
(Louis Armstrong) # Sleigh bells ring
Are you listening?
In the lane
Snow is glistening
A beautiful sight
We're happy tonight
(Jamie Oliver) Brilliant.
So, goose is done.
- # Walking in a winter wonderland #
- So, let's have a look at this turkey.
Look at him, Barb.
He gets on my bloody nerves,
these days, him.
Jamie bloody Oliver.
'Ey, with his juniper berries
and his bloody cariumber.
- (Barbara laughs)
- l mean
who'd have that shite
in the cupboard, eh?
Doesn't he know
there's a credit crunch on?
We've just paid 5p
for a bloody carrier bag, haven't we?
And he's swanning all over the place
trying to save the bloody world
and all we wanna do is put
the bloody chip pan back on.
- (Laughs)
- 'Ey? Without giving it all that.
Look, look, look!
- Olive oil, my arse!
- (Laughs)
Getfour orve leaves,
andjust literally
get your hand under that skin again
and you canjustfan 'em out
here, there and everhere.
And what's gonna happen is,
as that butter melts
- (Doorbell)
- Get that, will ya, Barb?
That'll be Jordan
and Peter Anzacs, that.
(Both laugh)
- Hiya, Denise.
- Aw, hiya, Mam.
- (Barbara) Are you all right?
- Yeah.
Are you?
- Yeah.
- (Dave) Hiya, Barbara.
- Hiya, Dave.
Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- Hiya, Dad.
- Hiya, Denise.
- Hiya, Jim.
- Hiya, Dave.
Dried cranberries are pretty apt,
l reckon.
And l've got some blueberries,
sour cherries.
So give that a little stir-up.
Take ham that butter
and we'll give ham that butter
per breast.
Once you've got that butter in,
it's dead simple,
just get your hand and sort of smear it
all the way up the breast.
And at the end ofthe day,
COmmOn SenSe.
.
.
Have you had your tea?
(Both) Yeah.
What did you have?
Well, you know l've been really busy,
what with the Christmas meal tomorrow
and everything,
so we just shared
Little David's selection box.
- mw.
- Didn't we, Dave?
Mm, yeah.
Little bits around the carcass
- Oh, Denise?
- Yeah?
What we having for starters tomorrow?
Well
erm, l'm thinking of cup-a-soups.
- Cup-a-soups?
- Yeah, but with a twist.
Oh, what's the twist?
lt's gonna be in a bowl, not a cup.
- (Dave) In a bowl.
- Oh, how lovely! Aw.
Bet you Nigella's quaking
in her bloody boots there.
- It was my idea, Barbara.
- Was it, Dave?
Dave! It was our idea,
a joint decision made jointly.
Made it a joint decision jointly,
Barbara, yeah, mm.
So, what have you jointly decided
we're having after cup-a-soup?
Well, l'm gonna get
some Mary Piper potatoes
and then l'm going to roast them
and then baste them
with a knob of Stork.
Oh, how lovely.
And then l'm doing
- carrot crush.
- (Gasps)
Carrots are from me dad's allotment.
- Are they, Dave?
- Yeah.
What's that like, carrot crush?
Well, it's Dave's dad's carrots
off Dave's dad's allotment
and l'm gonna boil 'em up
and then l'm gonna crush 'em
and then put on a knob of Stork.
Oh, how lovely.
- How is your dad, Dave?
- Oh, he's all right, yeah.
Has he still got that dry crevice?
- Yeah.
- (Tuts) Oh.
We're really looking forward to seeing
them both tomorrow, aren't we, Jim?
Oh, aye, yeah.
The highlight
of my bloody year, this.
What we having for pudding, Denise?
Well, l'm just gonna go down
the traditional Christmas route.
Ooh, Wall's Viennetta!
Yeah.
- But with a twist.
- Twist.
What's the twist?
l haven't really thought up
that twist yet.
Yeah.
Are you looking forward
to Christmas, Dave?
Yeah.
l just want peas.
(Barbara) Oh, we all want peace
at Christmas, Dave.
No, peas.
l don't fancy that carrot crush.
(All laugh)
- Do you want a leg tomorrow, Dad?
- Mmm.
l'd love a leg, Denise.
- Do you want a leg, Mam?
- Ooh, yes, please, Denise.
- Do you want a leg, Dave?
- Ooh, yeah, please.
- Me dad usually has a leg as well.
- Right.
Bloody hell, Denise, what are
we having, love, a bloody octopus?
(All laugh)
What time are you taking the kids over
to Anthony's?
Oh, they're already there.
They're having a little sleepover.
Oh.
Won't you miss seeing their faces
when they open their presents
in the morning?
No.
We've thought ofthat
and we've got Anthony to take
a little picture ofthem on his mobile.
lt's not a day for kids, really,
Christmas, is it?
No.
- Oh, Mam?
- Yeah?
Remind me again how you make your gravy?
Oh, well
- you get an Oxo cube
- Yeah.
.
.
then you take the silver paper off
- Yeah.
- .
.
put it in a bowl
- Yeah.
- .
.
pour on boiling water.
- That's it.
- Right.
Do you have to stir it?
Oh, yeah, you have to stir it.
You wouldn't write it down for me,
would you?
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
(After Eight wrappers rustling)
Do you know, l haven't even done
the seating plan yet.
Seating plan, my arse.
Dad?
During the afternoon,
between 5:1 5 and 8:30 stroke 9:OO,
we're going to be having
a musical interlude
where we'll be having music
and, erm, and interludes.
- Oh!
- But, aw, Dad, l was wondering,
- would you play the banjo?
- The bloody banjo on a Christmas Day?
lt's not the sodding X Factor, love.
(Dave laughs)
Oh, 'ey, do you know
who called round earlier, Dave?
- Who?
- Cockney bloody Bob!
- Cockney Bob?
- Yeah.
What was he after?
Well, he pretended he was passing,
didn't he, and he'd just called in,
but he wanted to swank off,
as bloody usual.
What about?
Well, he's had new UPVC windows fitted,
hasn't he?
- Has he?
- Oh, aye.
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