We can do this together.
There is no "I" in freedom.
Freedom is not "medom.
" It's "wedom.
" I visited a dance studio in Hartford, Connecticut.
When I was there, I met a brave firefighter in a wheelchair.
Back then, we didn't know what HIV positive was.
Which meant he had to lose his kidney.
He shook my hand and he said, "You don't remember me, but I am your grandpa.
" The next governor of Ohio, Roger Furlong.
- I fluffed 'em, now go fuck 'em.
- Shove it.
" Free!
" Dom! Thank you! Thank you! - Wow, this is amazing.
- Right? - It's like a happy Nuremberg.
- I know.
Where'd the Red Sea go? That lady just parted it.
Hey, POTUS needs to know about this 'cause Meyer's on fire.
an: We just lost the Florida third, fifth, and sixth.
Great, so much for the retired mobster vote.
Florida ought to break it off at Jacksonville and row it to Cuba.
Sir, the West Coast exit polls are looking bad.
What about New England? Worse than the JPAC's worst projection, sir.
Are you getting ready to dump a bucket of pig's blood on my head? Uh, no.
No, sir.
- Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
- Yeah.
na: Dale, I'm so sorry.
What are we gonna do without you in the Senate? Oh, they Yeah.
Yeah, you lost, Dale.
Oh, my God.
And, actually, I was told that you'd been told.
Right.
Sounds like you're in a public place there, Dale, so you got to you got to breathe deep.
Hang in there, buddy.
I got to go.
We just lost the New Hampshire first.
Okay, great.
Everybody hates us.
You know what? I'm beginning to hate us.
I mean, this is POTUS's fault because, guys, I killed it at every campaign visit, right? Yeah, you did.
My girlfriend said you are a rock star.
There was a lot of love for you on the campaign trail.
- Yeah, a lot of love.
- No, not for you, Marjorie.
In fact, that's probably why you lost the New Jersey fifth.
- Good-bye.
- You know what? This is time for POTUS to start honoring his ticket promises to me.
- I want my regular one-on-one meetings.
- Hello? I want more responsibilities in infrastructure and education reform.
I want an expanded role in deficit reduction talks.
I want a Cartier fucking dildo.
- Oh.
- Hey, Ame, are you listening? Uh, yes.
My mom just called.
My dad may have had a stroke.
Oh, my God.
Amy, I'm so sorry.
Is he speaking? Well, he told my mom he felt worse that time he ate gay Jap raw fish shit.
Oh, Amy, that's a great sign, because that's a very complex sentence.
- Mm-hmm.
- Unless he's slurring his words.
Well, it so, do you need to go and be with him? My mom said he was asking for me, but my sister's there.
Oh, good.
Seriously, if you walked in, can you imagine how stressed out he might be with like, "What are you doing here? Isn't it time that you'd be with the veep? It's the freakin' midterms and isn't she gonna take this opportunity to expand her role in the White House?" Or whatever he might say.
But if you need to go, Amy, you should go.
- No.
I'm good.
I'm here.
- All right, good.
- So you got what I said before? - Yes, Cartier dildo.
I was thinking about my dad, but I am not now.
You know what? Dana's dad had a knee operation and it was Oh, my God, Gary, stop going on about your girlfriend.
Really? Am I that bad? Yeah, this is you, Gary "Dana, Dana, Dana, Dana.
" Okay.
Okay.
Okay, Sue.
Thank you.
- All right, item number - job share.
We are going co-POTAL, right? Apparently POTUS Chief of Staff's telling everyone to write their will.
The mood over there is gonna be pretty grim.
- Like Jonestown.
- Oh, you know what I want? I want that lipstick that my stylist recommended.
- Ooh, Miami Sunburst.
- Yeah.
So when it hits my eyes will say Holocaust, my mouth will say Carnival.
Does anyone have anything on Ohio? Or why this fucking Internet is sketchier than our economic forecasts? Oh, that's 'cause your laptop is still running on Windows 2000 and shit.
Okay, this just in from J-stat central.
We've got the seventh and ninth in Utah down.
Team Jonah's gonna have that stat watch, okay? You come to me.
Have some nachos and numbers, huh? Tonight there's gonna be a plane crash shunting a train wreck onto a crowded highway.
Is this gonna hit the Dow? Maybe I should have bought stock.
Why, you got money problems? Not money problems, money challenges.
Is that Furlong? Minnesota.
Danny Chung just increased his margin.
Want to bet how long it takes Chung to mention his war record? No.
in the first five seconds.