People are always asking me, "Who is Roger Furlong?" And I always refer them to the same passage of the Good Book.
The Scriptures.
"Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.
" All right, let's do it.
Being the First Daughter is a big responsibility.
- Good.
- But I'm happy to serve my country - and to help out my mom.
- That's very good, yes.
- I love you, Mom.
- Oh, no, honey.
You've got to say it like you mean it, though, darling.
It's so easy.
It's like, "I love you, Mom.
- I love you.
" - Well, not like that.
There are great changes coming for this nation and my own life, too.
Last year I met a boy called Jason.
Mm, I don't know, should she say boy or man? - Just to be clear? - Yes, that's a good question, ma'am.
It's clear that I'm a man, isn't it? I haven't been carded for years.
Like, three years.
I just I don't know if this is gonna play well.
You know what? I started to feel that way myself.
It's a convention.
People love this shit.
How could it not play well? We're in love.
- Yeah, it might play well.
- It could.
- I think it might.
- Mm-hmm.
I cannot take Karen anymore.
It's been weeks and she has yet to speak a declarative sentence.
Lawyers tend to cover their bases.
I know that from my car accident.
With a lawyer.
I just tune her out.
You know, like living next to a highway.
Last year I met a guy called Jason and we fell in love.
All right, sweetheart, it doesn't sound like you're in love to me.
It sounds like you've been kidnapped by the Taliban.
- Exactly.
- And we're going to get married.
So I'd like to introduce you to Jason.
Come on out, honey.
- It sounds like you're angry.
- I am angry! Well, that's why you sound like you're angry.
- Hide it.
- Conceal it for a second.
Good, conceal it.
If you eat a zucchini anywhere in mainland North America, there's a 20% chance it's one of my zucchini.
Well, I am such a zucchini fan, I practically photosynthesize.
Next year I want 24%.
Well, listen, Dan here is the man.
He's fresh from the White House, he's got a Rolodex as crammed as a drug mule's poop pocket.
And I want to take zucchini to the next level.
Great, I'm in town till tomorrow, so any big dogs you can get me in a room with today? That's gonna be tricky.
Everyone's out of town for the convention, so the only people left in DC work at CVS, but Dan's just being modest.
I mean, you know everybody, right, Dan? Flex that Rolodex, pal.
Uh, yeah.
You ever hear of Jonah Ryan? - No.
- Old buddy of mine.
We go way back.
Love that guy.
I can get you in a room with him today.
All right, listen.
Enough business, let's eat.
Okay? But probably not fucking zucchini, right? I'd like to introduce you to Jason.
Come on out, honey.
Okay, and now a kiss.
- Oh! That needs work.
- That needs work.
- Which part? - All of it.
- How hard is it to kiss somebody? - I know.
You just put your head close to theirs, you let your lips touch, you know? Do I need to demonstrate this? - No.
- No.
Okay, he can practice the walk on his own time.
We really need to look at the president's speech now.
Hey, human emotion, you can't rush it.
It's not a precise science, Amy.
All sciences are precise.
That's what science means.
That's open to interpretation.
- Yes.
- Extraordinary.
Ma'am, there's a death row inmate in Louisiana.
Ugh, sounds good.
He was given a new drug cocktail, but it didn't work, so basically he's not dead.
- He's half dead.
- Half dead? - Yeah, he's been Awful.
Like being decapitated but surviving.
Happens to chickens a lot.
Well, some might say that we're being slightly headless ourselves.
We really need to focus on your speech.
Well, there is this new execution issue, so that's the priority.
Right.
Do you think we should issue a statement or Yes, but a statement that can be repurposed if things change.
He dies, he doesn't die, or whatever.
- Yeah, that's very clever.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
So it's true.
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