Ma'am, American University
is a fine institution.
American University sounds like
a made-up college in Egypt.
Okay? I don't want my library there.
Well, technically, it
wouldn't even be a library.
- What?
- It won't be a library, ma'am.
No, I heard her.
You
understand that, Amy,
that even Richard has
trouble understanding you?
You would be donating all
of your papers, gifts,
and ephemera to them, to their library.
Well, of course the dresses.
I think
No, they don't want the dresses!
You know that every president since FDR
has had a goddamn library, okay?
Even that sanctimonious
fraud Carter had a library.
American University, it's
like American Univer-shit.
- (GASPS) Hey!
- (CROWD CHEERING)
SELINA: Thank you.
Thank you!
I just wanna say that I
am so proud to be here
- as a part of
- National Volunteer Week.
National Volunteer Week.
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- Yeah, really important.
(LAUGHS) Okay, thanks.
- Super.
Great!
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
- How about that? How about that?
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- I also do wallpaper.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
Thank you guys so much.
It's been so much fun.
I love this T-shirt, too.
It's just so happy and wonderful!
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- Bye-bye! Thank you! Thank you.
Get this T-shirt off of me.
I look like I'm trying out
for "The Price is Right.
"
God Almighty, I wish I'd
been assassinated in office.
No, don't say that!
Although, with my luck, I'd
be then crippled for life,
sitting in a wheelchair in my reading
room with my name on the thing.
They haven't agreed to putting
your name on anything, ma'am.
- What?
- They said they haven't agreed
to putting your name on anything, ma'am.
That food was just disgusting.
Why did we even go there?
Do you want me to get you anything else?
You didn't eat anything.
Oh, God, I hate every food ever,
from everywhere.
- Have you tried ice cream?
- Ugh.
You know what, I was gonna
wait until afternoon tea,
but I have got a fun surprise for ya.
They have unveiled your wax
figure at Madame Tussauds!
- Oh, is that the fun part?
- Check that out.
What?! They have me next to Gerald Ford?
Is this the Hall of Half-Term Wonders?
I thought that was Craig T.
Nelson.
God, can nothing go right for me, ever?!
What can I do? What can I do?
I will fix it.
SELINA: Why do they even
have a wax figure of Ford?
- I don't know.
- The real one was made of wood.
Get them to move me next
to to Lincoln or to Mao
- or some other game-changing icon!
- Aw, yes.
That's what I am.
Don't make that noise!
(WHINING)
Just do it before I melt
down that whole collection
and use it to wax
Madame Tussauds' big, fat, nasty snatch!
Oh, God, no.
My pantyhose go up so high.
Ma'am, it's normal
to experience a temporary
depression after a heart attack.
I went through it with my father.
He was unbearable.
Trust me, Amy, it was
not the heart attack
that depressed your dad.
And anyway, I'm not depressed.
I just feel like I'm a thick, dark fog
and everyone disappoints
me and nothing works out,
and what's the point of anything anyway?
And before you ask,
it's not because I'm not sleeping, okay?
'Cause I'm getting 14
hours of sleep a night.
Hey, ma'am, if you ever
wanna talk to a therapist,
- I got a great gal.
- (SCOFFS)
Wendy and I went to see her
when things were rocky.
Both of them went to town on me.
It was brutal.
I cried so hard, I threw up, but it
was the best thing I've ever done.
Okay, look at me, Mike, all right?
Not crazy, okay?
- You know, Mom
- What?
therapists can help
with all kinds of problems
that aren't necessarily mental illness.
I mean, my woman is amazing.
You're in therapy? Since when?
Since I was 13.
Well, what you really
needed was a dermatologist.
Ma'am, have you done any more thinking
about Catherine and me moving into
Mee-Maw's after the baby is born?
Okay, Marjorie, that's, like, 14 things
that I can't, you know (GRUNTS)
- So
- You know, Dr.
Diane thinks
that it would be really
great if you could come in,
that it could really
open up and facilitate
good communication
between the two of us.
Okay, well, Dr.
Diane
is an asshole, okay?
I'll tell you what else, I'm not gonna
carry that.
I'm not carrying that either.
Oh, Richard, can Catherine and
I speak with you for a moment?
Well, you're the boss.
Richard, are there any hereditary
issues that run in your family?
Well, my father and I both
hate eating butterscotch,
but love to say it.
Butterscotch.
Sorry, why do you ask?
Thanks.
- (HORN HONKING)
- Oh, fuck!
"Wethinks Danny Boy Toy
doth protest too much.
'Himbo' Egan Dan-ies affair
with NewsMILF, McCabe.
"
All right, you know what? Fuck that.
Hey, this isn't a library!
Oh, no, it's a graveyard that sells gum.
- Print is dead.
- You wanna buy some gum?
No, I get all my gum on Amazon.
CATHERINE: But if the check is
for the Rare Bird Conservancy,
then why does it have to go through
the Andrew H.
Meyer Trust?
That's a good catch, little Cat.
Um, you know what?
Just for tax purposes,
why don't you make it out to cash?
That's easy, hmm?
I'll just leave it blank.
It's not your drop-by day.
I couldn't wait another moment
to see my two favorite daughters.
What?
Where did little Madge
disappear to, anyway?
You asked her to wait by your
street meter in case it ran out.
Right.
Darn.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Morning, ma'am.
Hey,
we really need to
I will wait in the living room.
You're not giving any money to the
Music Man here, are you, sweetie?
Have you no shame?
- And, Mom.
- What?
- Here is your monthly allowance.
- Okay.
And what chores do you do around
the house to deserve that?
I show assholes the door.
(CHUCKLES) Well, regardless,
I bid you both adieu.
- Flattering skirt.
- Shut up.
Hey, Mike, sorry.
I gotta get running.
But your investment is doing well.
I've never gotten a statement.
Here's a statement your
investment is doing quite well.
- Can you believe the nerve of him?
- No, I can't.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Ma'am, actually, I gotta talk to you.
I got another call from the publisher.
We need to buckle down and
start writing the book, okay?
What if we started with when
Hughes selected you as his veep?
I mean, the lies.
The flagrant self-interest!
Do you have any memory of that moment?
Any details, any specifics?
You know, during my
first win for Congress,
he was cheating on me
during the entire campaign
and said it was my fault.
- I didn't know that.
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