RICHARD: Madam President,
Congressman Ryan,
I have been appointed the
new Mayor of Lurline.
- Oh, of course.
I understand.
- Oh, I'll be sorry to lose you.
Uh, me too.
AMY: Ma'am, the U.
S.
Attorney's Office
has impaneled a grand jury to
investigate the Meyer Fund.
Madame P, got a moment?
Can you fuck off?
I have always tried to be there for you.
Well, how come you failed
me in algebra, Mr.
Hennick?
It would be really good if we
adopted another baby from China.
How would you like the chance
to help lead a visibly
repugnant underdog
to historic victory?
You want me to join Jonah's campaign?
SELINA: How about, for
once in your life,
you stop whining, you stop complaining,
- and just man up?
- (applause)
(cheering)
Get outta my way.
Thank you, New Hampshire,
for manning up!
What started in Iowa
with a come-from-behind,
second-place finish
has built here tonight
into an all-out victory!
(crowd cheering)
And now it's on to South Carolina
and then back to the White House!
(recorded music playing)
That's right, you heard me
Back to the White House!
(music, cheering)
SELINA: We're going back
Which one of you donkey-dongs
was in charge of the balloons?
- Believe it or not, Amy.
- She's still fuckin' up?
She hasn't worked here for months!
Does anyone have her new email address?
"Man up" continues to resonate
in all four quadrants.
It's universal.
Men hate women,
women hate themselves.
The Geraldine Ferraro principle.
Hey, ma'am, I was hoping
I could have some more responsibility
Yes.
Can you make me a waxing
appointment in Charleston?
- I'm feeling patriotic.
- Full bald eagle.
Ma'am, South Carolina is gonna be tough.
- Black people love me.
- GARY: Love.
Did you know Dr.
Jordan Thomas,
the civil rights leader,
he once said to me
- BEN: You told me this.
- MARJORIE: We're aware.
This is a classic.
He once said to me
that I was the blackest
white woman he ever met.
BEN: Ma'am, you do know
that this time you're running
against an actual black person?
SELINA: She's not even all-black.
Plus, I'm gonna be
Lion-Kinging Little Richard all around
till I tear my rotator cuff.
Absolutely not, Mother.
I have been working for you for 18 years
- without a promotion.
- Right.
But some people kinda think I deserve
a bigger role in the campaign this time.
What kind of role was
your mother thinking of?
I thought everybody kind
of did the same thing.
Ma'am, our faith-based outreach
program is kind of a disaster.
OK, so give Gary the face-based thing.
- It's "faith-based.
"
- I don't care.
I gotta get a little
shut-eye before we land.
Can we have the lights
out, please? Thank you.
DAN: Hey, Ben, do you have
the county-by-county
- SELINA: No talking!
- GARY: No talking!
- (clatter)
- SELINA: I'm hearing moving!
(theme music playing)
JONAH: I can't believe
I got sixth place.
It is time for us to head over
to the electoral scrapyard
and see if we can sell your
endorsement for parts.
OK, I'm gonna go hang
myself from a sturdy pipe,
and I'm not even gonna
bother jacking off.
- You have time for a drink beforehand?
- Mmm.
NANCY: Well, you're still
my favorite son, Jonie.
How does Butt-Buddy Calhoun do
one percent better than me?
Well, you had three
percent and he had four,
so actually, he did 33% better.
Don't math me, Lloyd.
Math is a plot invented by the Chinese
to make smart Americans feel dumb.
Modern math was invented by Islamic
scholars in the 7th century.
(mocking) You were invented by
Islamic scholars in the 7th century.
(laughing) Burn.
Sorry, Dad.
Okay, Jonie, please, don't yell
at Lloyd.
Please, he's just
Sorry, what is that on your finger?
- Is that a ring?
- LLOYD: Well,
I asked your mom to marry me again,
and I'm hoping we can get your blessing.
- No! You don't have it
- (man laughing)
Oh! Saint Theresa's gray-haired gunt,
they're fucking again?!
I'm sorry I'm late.
The Meyer victory party's still raging.
They got some great coke.
I can't believe you backed
another candidate, Uncle Judas.
- When I'm president
- Shut the fuck up!
When you're president?!
I'll jam my fist up my dick hole
and pull out a 40-piece set of Danish
cutlery when you're president!
Selina Meyer is a legitimate candidate,
not a human pool skimmer
last used to de-spunk a
Provincetown hot tub party!
Congratulations, Sis.
Let me know where to send the gift.
Spoiler alert: It's Danish cutlery.
Thanks, Jeff.
See ya
in church on Sunday.
Gary? I need my tea.
Marjorie: And a well-done
egg white frittata.
Here you are, ma'am.
Whoa.
That startled me.
Why are you Gary?
He had an early morning meeting.
You can't just replace
Gary with another lesbian
and think that I'm not
gonna notice what
Mmm.
Wow, this tea is the
perfect temperature.
Thank you, ma'am.
I learned
from an Afghani warlord.
We should put him on the payroll.
- You killed him in a drone strike.
- Oh, well.
I laid out your outfit for the day.
Oh.
Oh, wow!
I never thought before
to put the Bottega pumps
with the Michael Kors top.
You've been taking fashion
advice from a man
who dresses like an overgrown
ventriloquist dummy.
That's a solid point.
- Oh! Is this edible?
- No, ma'am.
Oh.
Uhh.
- (knocking)
- GARY: Hello.
- Mr.
Walsh.
I'm Blake Stein.
- Nice to meet you.
- We're all ready to
- Ahh! Yep.
Yeah.
Perfect.
Did you see the spread that I ordered?
These are fresh bagels from New York,
which I'm very excited about 'cause
the president hates bagels
Shh-shh-shh and she can't even
be in the same room with donuts.
Uh, so why don't we get started?
Of course, of course, I've love that.
I would love that.
Here we go.
(chuckles)
- (whispers) Mr.
Walsh.
- Yeah?
This is your meeting.
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