Max, look out, you're so tired you're spilling batter all over yourself.
Ugh.
I knew it was only a matter of time before I became a battered woman.
This is a huge disappointment.
I heard that.
You don't even know what I'm referring to.
Oh, I just assumed we were talking about everything.
I'm referring to our expensive new cupcake website.
Not one job offer.
You want a website that will make you feel better about yourself? Go to models-falling-down.
com number one: Klum goes boom.
[Knocking at door] It's 3:00 A.
M.
Who would be coming over now? I don't know, my dealer, my other dealer? That guy who always asks if I know where my dealer is? - Who is it? - You can't handle what's on the other side of that door.
Yesterday, I saw a guy on a stoop frenching his cat.
I can handle anything.
Oleg, what are you doing here? And you put the, "oh, no," in kimono.
Your upstairs neighbor Sophie is allowing me to have sex with her.
And I came down to borrow some sensual oils.
Preferably, ones that you can eat.
How did you get out of apartment? You know the rules.
I came down to borrow sensual oils.
Yeah, but no peppermint.
It makes his tongue swell.
And let's face it, his tongue is the best part about him.
You're right, I can't handle that.
[Rock music] those nice smelling men in booth two just asked me if I was on the down-low.
What does this mean? Uh, brother, I'm gonna need a little more context.
They said, "are you on the down-low, because we have a friend who is a big-time rice queen.
" Again, coming up dry.
Rice queen, is it, like, a Korean dairy queen? Kind of.
Here's table seven's check, Earl.
Max, the guys at booth two just asked Han if was on the down-low.
They think he's gay.
That's a step up.
Usually people think he's a lesbian.
Here you go, Sophie.
Uh, Max, Caroline.
Yeah, about last night, I hope we can keep that just between us girls.
I'm sure we have all done things in the dark late at night with men that we'd like to forget.
Why stop at late at night in the dark? How about early morning? Or a nooner at the port authority bus terminal? Oh, good.
And you too understand, Caroline? Actually, no, sorry.
I haven't ever done anything with a man - that I'm ashamed of.
- Oh, yeah.
But your father did steal millions and millions of dollars.
So don't forget that.
Han just sat your favorite gays.
Max, their names are Steven and Michael.
And it's not very P.
C.
To reduce people to a stereotype.
- Hey, girl.
- What's up, care bear? Yeah, they're not stereotypes.
What would you say if they called you "the big-boob waitress from the wrong side of the tracks who had sex with everyone in high school"? I'd say, "that's why I love the gays.
They get me.
" Come over and say hello.
They're the first and practically the only people that ever hired us to do a cupcake job.
Do I have to? Can't I just stand here and judge from afar? Come on, and let's not mention how bad we're doing.
We want them to think we're a big success, so they'll recommend us for their friends' events.
Yeah, because you know the gays, they party about everything.
And there's another stereotype.
- Hi, guys.
- Happy leap year! F.
Y.
I.
, people are still talking about those cupcakes you made for our wedding shower.
- Everyone.
- How's business? Fabulous, amazing, killing it.
Or it's killing us.
We're not quite sure.
I'll go grab some menus for you girls.
- Max.
- Sorry.
I'll go grab some menus for you ladies.
Love her so Madeleine Stowe in revenge.
Oh, she is.
- I don't watch that.
- We love it.
It's all about a young blonde woman who's out to seek revenge on everyone for destroying her family.
Yeah, too close to home.
- Max, guess what.
- Caroline, you're not supposed to tell me I'm on intervention until the actual intervention.
I just got offered $600 to stay at Steven and Michael's apartment and watch their dogs while they're out of town - for two days.
- Why would anyone pay $600 to watch dogs for two days? Well, because, you know, they want a certain amount of attention to be paid to the Just say it, they're gay and they think their dogs are their children.
Max, you have to stop doing this.
I'll stop when they stop.
This is so exciting.
It'll be like a paid vacation at an amazing hotel.
And I need to get as far away from here as possible.
- Oh, where do they live? - Four blocks away.
Well, have a good time.
And while you're four blocks away having your vacation, I'll be home maybe taking a little masturbacation.
What are you talking about? I wouldn't go on vacation without you.
We'll split the dog money to cover the shifts we take off from the diner.
Well, thanks, but I don't do that thing where you take off work.
"Hi, I'm Max, I can't go "to a fancy apartment and have fun.
"I'd rather work in a steel mill and sing Bruce Springsteen songs.
" Max, when was the last time you had a vacation? Never.
Unless you count the summer I hid under the front porch from my mom's new boyfriend.
We really need to get out of here.
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