Max, I can't wait to go home and ilegally download that documentary about performance art.
And I can't wait to go home and watch "Here comes Honey Boo Boo.
" But first you have to see this.
Her name is Marina Abramovic.
In the 90's she and her boyfriend did this piece called "Confrontation" where they just slapped each other's faces for days.
Oh yeah? My mom and her boyfriend did that too, but they called it, "Who smoked the last cigarette.
" No, really, it was pure art.
She's a genius.
How about you and I do a little art right now? Ah.
What are they doing? I think they might be doing a scene from Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Ah, okay, stop.
Okay.
That's for suggesting we make a lip-synch video to Call Me Maybe.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh And the Hold Up Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh What's up, my man? You look pretty down.
My mother in Korea is working my last nerve, you know, Earl? Well, uh, I didn't expect a back and forth here.
Uh, Max, do you wanna move in? Han, you can't let your mommy keep bullying you.
Stand up to her.
You're a 53-year-old man.
Max, I am 29.
What? I am 29.
What? Han, are you sure? Yes, what makes you think I'm older? - Well, everything-- your hair, your clothes, the $5 check you gave me for my birthday.
Hi, can I help you? Ooh, that sounded so sincere.
Well, when you're in my section, you'll meet the real me.
I have one question.
Do you wanna live? Actually, today, I could go either way.
You see this? Go around the diner and have everyone fill it with the contents of their purse, and if you do, nobody gets hurt.
Okay, okay, okay, but, uh, I don't know how much you're gonna collect here.
I mean, most of these customers pay with coins or fresh tomatoes from their garden.
Uh, Earl, listen up.
We're being robbed by that man in the suit, and he wants everyone to empty their stuff into this bag.
Uh, Max, I've been on both sides of this situation, and the best thing to do is play along.
Okay, Caroline, I'm gonna tell you something, and I don't want you to react.
I knew you were gonna get pregnant.
Damn it! All right, fine.
- We'll get through this together.
- No! Look, we're being robbed, and that guy in the suit might have a gun.
No, no--just do what I say, and stay calm.
I need you to empty your purse into the trash bag.
I can't believe this is happening just when I saved $2.
Max, I can't die, and I certainly can't die in this ugly uniform.
I mean, it looks good on you.
Are you having a heart attack? I'm peeing.
What do you mean? I'm really freaked out, and I'm peeing.
I can't stop! Just stop, stop! Clench it.
Okay.
No, can't.
Step out from behind the counter.
Sorry, sir, I can't.
- Why? - Well, um, I'm peeing.
Still? Out of the way, girls.
I'll take down this-- whoa! Get away from him.
Miss, you need to get out from behind the counter now - before I-- - Uh, please take her, not me.
- What's happening? - Han, we're being robbed.
So sorry.
Please take everything that is in my manny-pack.
Would it be possible if I took my prayer beads out? They've been in my family for hundreds and hundreds of-- I don't think so, homeboy.
You're in my house now, bitch.
Here's what's left in the bag.
Nope, sorry.
I don't see your dignity.
Max, don't.
Isn't it enough that I'm wearing dishwasher whites that have been around since the invention of B.
O.
? Oh, look at that, something ate right through the swiffer, and I don't think it was the bleach.
How will you ever live with the shame? Can you believe that is the man who saved us? Yeah, I did not see a gun coming.
I saw nunchucks, ninja smoke, maybe some hairpulling, but not a gun.
Well, good night, ladies.
I thought we all acted very brave tonight.
Well, some of us.
Oh, yeah, I had a trauma, and I urinated.
Ha, ha! That's hilarious.
Yeah, you might need some counseling.
I could drop you off at a therapist on the way to my "I was a human shield" support group.
Am I ever gonna live this down? It happened, like, ten minutes ago.
Okay, let's move on.
Oh, look, someone left a coupon for free movie popcorn.
Oh, I'd love to escape to a movie after my-- well, I'd just love to escape.
How much are movies now, like 200 bucks? Unless you go with me, in which case, it is free.
I'll take you tomorrow.
I've been sneaking into theaters since I was two.
I crawled into The Little Mermaid with a sack full of Cheerios and a baby bottle full of Diet Coke.
You know, Chestnut, the only thing that got me through that robbery was you.
I kept thinking, "who will take care of you?" Because you can't count on blondie selfish-pants who used me as a human shield and then peed herself.
Do not tell Chestnut I peed myself.
He's the only one from my circle who still talks to me.
As I was saying, Chestnut, I would have taken a bullet for her, but she put herself first, and that's okay.
It's fine.
Max, I'm surprised you're even affected by this.
I mean, weren't you shot as a baby? I feel like you told me that.
No, I told you I drank shots as a baby.
My mother hated to drink alone.
Okay, what free movie should we see? Maybe something with a Fanning in it? - I'll see anything unless it's in 3-D.
I mean, if something's gonna be flying at my face, I'd better get a free prime rib out of it.
So what do we do, Max? What do we do? Hide in the back alley till the coast is clear, and when the door opens, make a break for it? No, 'cause it's not the 1940s.
We just go right up in the usher's face, make an excuse, and then boldly walk with purpose.
Okay, well, just show me how.
You can direct me.
I've done a lot of plays.
I could do my "Eliza Doolittle" before she was civilized" walk.
Hello, governor.
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