Look at all these people just sitting here and not tipping, working on their computers.
This guy has a brand-new Apple.
I've been eating the same apple for a week.
I blame Steve Jobs.
These people are more like Steve-I-have-no-jobs.
All right, that's it.
Earl, I need to get the wireless router.
Oh, is that what this is? I thought it was a cookie-warmer.
Attention deadbeat diners.
You can't just sit here all night and only order coffee.
This is not a Starbucks.
And I know that because we don't sell Norah Jones CDs or bananas.
This is the router for the free Wi-Fi.
And that is a waitress who needs to make some tips.
Seriously, guys, I need actual cash.
This guy just offered to pay me in ideas.
If I pull this plug, the Internet will go down.
And you--that sad email you're in the middle of writing to your ex-boyfriend, the one you shouldn't send anyway--gone.
And you-- that vaguely pornographic anime film you've been illegally downloading for the past three hours-- gone.
And you--that screenplay you've been writing, you can keep working on it, but we all know how it ends: With you moving back in with your mother.
Now, who's gonna order? Great, I'll go get some menus.
Here, Caroline, put this back.
Ooh, my cookie-warmer.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh Table ten just ordered cocktails.
Yeah, 'cause we're that kind of a place.
Does anyone know how to make sex on the beach? Easy.
I put on my speedo and wait.
Those girls have been drinking for hours.
Just press every button on the gun and add rum.
Look at them.
Not a care in the world.
Having a great time.
- I hate them.
- I hate them, too.
I hate them more.
I hate that you hate them more.
So jealous.
Okay, ready for party of four.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Hey, baby! Looking good.
Mm, always.
I'll be in my booth.
Sophie, you cannot take up a whole booth alone.
There are people waiting.
You must leave.
Go stand in the corner now! Before I bend you across my knee and spank you in front of the whole class.
Well, I was going to stand in the corner anyway.
But tomorrow night, smaller table.
Go stand in the corner now! Okay, I'm over being jealous of them.
Still? What are they-- sitting on vibrators? Let it go.
They're not having that good of a time.
No, Max, we're not having that good of a time.
All we do is work.
When's the last time we took a day and just had fun? I mean, those two idiots remind me how much fun it was when I'd go out to lunch and have cocktails with my girlfriends and watch them pretend to eat.
I think you're talking about day-drinking, and I think I like it.
All right, let's do something fun.
I'll put on my bolo tie and my best vest and take my girl out to eat.
So, what is this lunch spot you're taking me to? Is it French? Do you think the chef will send an amuse-bouche to the table? No, but this morning I shaved a smiley face into my bouche, and it's very amusing.
You know what? It's just so fun to get dressed up and have someone wait on us for a change.
I even bought new panty hose from dooahnay rayahdey.
You mean Duane Reade? Oh, is that how you pronounce it? Well, we're here.
Better get in line.
Oh, there's a line.
Popular place.
What's the name? "Soup Kitchen.
" That's a cute name.
Very Williamsburg.
Like, "let's take our upscale urban bistro" "And make it seem like it's just a soup kitchen "open to everyone, but it's not really a soup kitchen.
" Oh, that's nice.
They let them use the bathroom.
And sit at a table.
Oh, my God! This is really a soup kitchen.
This is your idea of treating me to lunch? We're not homeless.
No, but we are soup-less.
And it's not just homeless people who eat here.
Okay, maybe they're the target audience.
Look, there's a lot of other people who can't afford to go out to eat.
You're right.
Why are there so many hipsters here? Because this place isn't just for people who don't have jobs, it's for people who don't want them.
Well, it does smell good.
Excuse me.
We'd like to take a look at your lunch menu.
Menu changes every day.
Also, there is no menu.
There's, like, four things.
Oh, okay.
So what do you recommend? Oh, what do I recommend? Don't share needles, and use condoms.
But you didn't hear that last one from me.
Are nuns even allowed to be sarcastic? If they are, I have some serious thinking to do about my future.
This sloppy Joe is the most amazing terrible thing I've ever eaten.
I love that it's basically pre-chewed, so all you really have to do is swallow.
So good, I used to have these every day when I was a kid.
Well, then I guess your childhood - wasn't all that bad.
- Mm.
We couldn't afford the real Manwich Mix, so my mom's boyfriend, Dirty Carl, used to bring us leftover meat scraps and then bash 'em together with old ketchup packets he'd found in cars at the junkyard.
Now I understand why you think this is a nice restaurant.
Have you noticed the more you drink, the better this place gets? I've noticed the more I drink, the better everything gets.
Why don't we drink every day? Some of we do.
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