Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner.
Your lifespan just decreased by one meal.
Would you like to order now or after that galaxy is destroyed? Oh, dude, I can hold up one finger, too, and trust me; it won't be that one.
Booth one is all yours.
If I wanted to deal with a guy who won't even acknowledge my existence, I'd track down my father.
Makeup needs to complement the personality.
Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Mr.
Eye Queen's about to show me how to pluck my eyebrows.
Finally.
I've been telling you for a year you need to get plucked.
Pick up.
Fried egg over easy.
Correction: make that over hard.
Max, that's Earl's order.
Can you? You know, I could just check out and phone in this job, too, but I promised myself I'd never grow up to be my gynecologist.
Earl, I know you remember a time where people still made eye contact and get the fact that I was totally dissing them.
It's a damn shame, Max.
Thank you, Earl.
The Mets are down in the bottom of the sixth.
Now you have one? Earl, three months ago, you thought T-Mobile was a rapper.
Max, I want to talk to you.
Well, why not? Everyone else is listening to something tiny and made in Asia.
I just heard the funniest joke.
A guy is driving a car up a hill and he sees a pig in the road.
Wait.
Oh yes, I forgot.
It's raining.
It's raining, and there is a pig.
I'm listening.
And then the pig is in the car no, the pig is in the road, and I'll be right back.
Thank you.
Come again.
Hey, what do you want to do after work tonight? Maybe we could go to that trendy new ice cream place that only sells juice.
Nah, I'm too tired.
I've been on my feet since 2003.
Hi, can I get a red velvet oh, my God, Max Black? Oh, my God, Becky White? Holy crap.
How long has it been? Let's see.
When was I on "Intervention"? Well, your hair's grown back on the right side, so I'd say five years.
Hi, I'm Caroline.
I'd wait for Max to introduce me, but she usually tells people I'm Taylor Swift's slow cousin Randi.
Nice to meet you.
Max, I did not think you would still be alive.
I owe you $10.
Becky's an actress.
I just saw her in "Law and Order.
" She owned "deli worker who barely knew the victim.
" Yeah, I've done three "Law and Orders.
" Pretty easy work.
They usually find me in a trunk.
How do you two know each other? Max and I waited tables together.
Well, mostly stood around and got drunk, but they paid us.
Nice shop.
Looks like you guys have a business together too.
Too? You two too? We invented an Uber just for women.
Boober.
It would've been awesome, except we didn't have an app or a car.
Hey, forget about this cupcake.
I just got paid.
How about drinks on me? And by drinks, I mean one PBR each.
I guess I could do drinks.
Do you mind closing up? Thanks.
I'll meet you out front.
Awesome.
Nice meeting you, Brandi.
It's Randi! Hey, Earl, what's shaking? Max, I'm pushing 80.
The easier question is, "What isn't shaking?" Max, where were you last night? I had to watch "Carson Daly" alone and say, "This show's still on?" to no one.
I crashed on Becky's couch, of which you're not gonna believe this she is the first owner.
So did you guys have fun last night, or was it weird because you've grown apart? Let's just say we're gonna be in not one, but two wedding albums.
Becky can dance her some hora.
Fun.
That's so fun that you had fun.
Uh, what's happening here? I guess I just thought we were Forget it.
Oh, no, please.
It's like watching a bird fly into a window in slow motion.
Well, you know, I thought we were exclusive, for lack of a better word.
What, like monogamous? You thought we were in a monogamous friendship? I'm not even monogamous with the people I'm monogamous with.
What is the big deal? You had friends before we were friends.
Bunch of rich bitches.
You guys talking about that show, "Friends"? People always say, "Why was there no black friend?" Because no reasonable black man would hang out with those people.
He's been waiting to get that off his chest since the mid-'90s.
You know what I just realized? I've never tried to make friends as a not-rich person.
You made friends with me.
Against my will, but still.
Guess what I'm doing? Motivating me to look at resumes on monster.
com? I'm gonna make a friend right now.
There's a girl in my section with clean-ish looking hair.
Speaking of hair, pick up.
Cobb salad.
Max, how's this for my friend-making smile? Do you have more teeth than me? Here's you salad.
Dressing on the side.
I'm sort of a "DOS" gal myself.
Okay.
Thanks.
Maybe we should, I don't know, grab a couple salads sometime.
The Yelp review specifically said I would be ignored by the waitstaff.
There's hair in your salad.
Excuse me.
The water's supposed to be that color.
No, no.
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